Nervous Bride A woman in her 40s got married but was a bit nervous about her honeymoon. The people in the church wanted to encourage her by sending a telegram with a verse of Scripture: 1 John 4:18 ("There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear") But someone omitted, by mistake, the 1 before John and the telegram just read: John 4:18. ("The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.)" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" "No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis; however, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. - Sure is hot down here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Airline Rage As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Quotes From Insurance Forms "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "I knew the dog was possessive about the car, but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way" "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba and Cletus, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of beers. Bubba said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Cletus. It's a poll-eece roadblock! We're sure to get busted fer drinkin' these here beers! And you with three DUI's." "Don't worry, Bubba," said Cletus. "We'll just pull over and finish a-drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Cletus. When they finished their beers, they threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff noticed the strange labels on the foreheads of Bubba and Cletus; and that they were both quite glassy-eyed. Shaking his head in disgust, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin' and drivin' again?" "Hell, no sheriff," said Cletus. "We're on the patch!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These are things are suppossed to have been really said! The following questions and answers were collated from last year's SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas to 16 year old students! Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!" Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect! Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels rifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ God gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into it's nest. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head, To handle others, use your heart. A Special Person They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good Grief!" he said, startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK, doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone staggering under the weight of a big 5 point buck. Where's Henry?" "Henry had a problem of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry out there and carried the deer back?" "A tough call but I figured no one is going to steal Henry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A candidate for the city council was doing some door to door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a real grouchy looking fellow. After the candidate's little speech, the fellow said, "vote for you? Why I would rather vote for the devil!" "I understand," said the candidate, "but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Murals Inlet, S.C., bills itself as the "Seafood Capital of South Carolina." It has so many seafood restaurants that it is hard to decide which one to choose. My wife and I were trying to do just that when we came upon, of all things, a steakhouse. It seemed busy, perhaps because it had adapted to its environment. A sign out front read: "Catch of the Day -- COW!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STUPID INVENTIONS - Black Highlighter Clear Correction Fluid - Braille Driver's Manual Motorcycle Air Conditioner - Mesh Umbrella Sugar-Coated Toothpaste - Fake Rhinestones Super-glue Post-it Notes - Inflatable Dart Board ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Laws of the Toddler" 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Parenting Stuff ........... Unbreakable Toy: An implement useful for breaking other toys. Peparations for Paternity: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch until fall arrives. If this doesn't bother you, then you might be ready for fatherhood. Things you learn as a dad: The sound of a toilet flushing and the phrase "Oh-Oh" means it's already too late. What you must never say to your pregnant wife: "Can't they induce labor? The 27th is the SuperBowl..." A Dad Moment: After buying a new bowling ball and putting it on the front seat of his car, Jim let his son Brett, fifteen, behind the wheel for a driving lesson. When a squirrel darted out in front of them, Brett alertly braked. The sudden stop caused the bowling ball to roll off the seat and onto the gas pedal. The car sped up and crashed into two parked cars. Luckily, no one was hurt. To Brett's chagrined, Dad turned the driving lessons over to Mom. A Dad Moment: Mike who traveled a lot, returned from one trip in a thunderstorm only to find his four-year-old son Scott in bed with Mommy. After spending the night on the couch, Mike told Scott, "It's ok to sleep with Mom during a storm, but not when Daddy is coming home." When Mike returned from his next trip, Scott blurted, "Daddy, I've got great news. This time nobody slept with Mommy while you were away." P.J. O'Rourke: Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual requests received by the Family History Department of the LDS Church. These are extracts from REAL letters: I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family. He and his daughter are listed as not being born. My Grandfather died at the age of 3. We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope. The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn - what do you think? I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children. Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success. Now see what you can do. This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list. We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy? A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the US, England and Scotland countries? I will do the research." Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Reality Sets In 1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. 2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker. 3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. 5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE! 6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? 7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. 9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. 0. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear. 11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18. 12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. 13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks. 14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. 15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you. 16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST 17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Mother's Letter to her Son My Dear Son: Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home; we've moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult was the bed. You see, the man wouldn't let us take it in one piece. It wouldn't have been too bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time. About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with. He gave her a beautiful new ring, with three stones missing. Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs. We got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too good. I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys in the school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him a new suit, but we are going to buy him a new hat and let him look out of the window. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle yet. I went to the doctor on Thursday: Your father came with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice since last week. First for three days and then for four days. It was so windy on Monday one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. Your loving Mother. P.S.: I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! DEFINITION OF A BACHELOR: One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hair Mission In dire need of a beauty makeover, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair. I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God," he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure! Just a minute." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 10 Signs your Amish teen is in Trouble 10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. She asked, "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole. "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic." Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right. Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!" Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef," and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke to you that may seem funny, but, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering, If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oftentimes I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain, A zero, is my score. At times I put something away, Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from, Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away, I ask myself, "who's that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better, While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy, And that isn't any joke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Microsoft vs. Star Trek [Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" [Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." [Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.] [Riker looks puzzled.] "What the heck is 'Microsoft'?" [Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." [Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" [Data] "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." [Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." . . 15 Minutes Later . . . [Data] "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." [Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." [Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." [Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. [Riker] "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." [Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" [Picard] "Data, what does your scanner show?" [Data] "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." [Picard] "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality." .... Two Hours Pass . . . [Riker] "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?" [Geordi] "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. [Picard] "How much time will that buy us?" [Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." [Geordi] "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." [Picard] "Identify." [Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" [Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" [Data] "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." [Picard] "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" [Riker] "Good God, captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" [Data] "I don't believe that those are humans, sir--if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits" [Riker and Picard together horrified] "Lawyers !!" [Geordi] "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." [Data] "True, but apparently some must have survived." [Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." [Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'--it often proves fatal." [Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" [Picard] "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch--not even the Borg deserve that." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Paul Harvey writes... We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meatloaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncoil as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and hard work, disappointment and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a time ...........Close your eyes.....And go back in time...... Before the internet or the MAC, Before semi automatics and crack.... Before SEGA or Super Nintendo.....Way back.....Way Way back !!! I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. sittin' on the porch, Hot bread and butter. The Good Humor man, Red light/Green light, Chocolate milk, Lunch tickets, Penny candy in a brown paper bag. Playin' Pinball in the corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, Doubledutch, Jacks, kickball, dodgeball. Mother, May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly, Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds, Jolly Ranchers, Banana Splits, Wax Lips and Mustaches Running through the sprinkler. The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips...... Wait...... Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs.... Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio, Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar, Playing with a sling shot. When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Bedtime...Climbing trees....An ice cream cone on a warm summer night, chocolate or vanilla or strawberry, or maybe butter pecan. A cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store. A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Sittin' on the curb, Jumpin down the steps.... Jumpin' on the bed.....Pillow fights, runnin' till you were out of breath, Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt.....Being tired from playin'..... Remember that?... ain't finished just yet.... Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar..... Remember when..... When there were two types of sneakers, for girls and for boys, (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time your wore them was for "gym" at school? When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one? When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there? When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle. When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks? When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, every day. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time....And you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat....and some of us are still afraid of 'em! Didn't that feel good......just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that! There's nothing like the good old days! They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them. Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then share it with someone that missed out on them.... I want to go back to the time when........ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeney-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over! "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Olly-olly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you have really LIVED!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The good old days have come and gone, and we never knew just when they were here .............. The world is changing, but is it for the better ??????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other. Luciano De Crescenzo Faith is not making religious-sounding noises in the daytime. It is asking your inmost self questions at night- and then getting up and going to work. Mary Irion People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but People will never forget How you made them feel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TIPS ON STAYING SAFE. . . FOR WOMEN and HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. This above item long and posted last in this file # 89 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bullets A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and explained that it contained two bullets an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the bullets in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the bullets safely. But when he took one out of the box, the top of the bullet popped off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other bullet and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. The bullets were souvenir salt-and-pepper shakers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Funny Police Quotes "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "In God we trust, all others are suspects." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was on a business trip to the great state of Texas. Upon arriving at the airport, he happened to walk by one of the tallest men he'd ever seen. When he remarked about this to his taxi driver, the driver responded "Yessir, everything's big in Texas!" Later that day, after settling into his hotel room, the man went down to the bar for dinner. The bartender asked if he'd like to start off with a beverage. "I'll have a beer," said the man, and the bartender nodded. Half a minute later, the bartender returned carrying a huge 5-gallon beer mug, filled to the brim, and plunked it down in front of the astonished business man. "All I asked for was a beer!! You expect me to drink all that?!" cried the man. The bartender replied, "Well-sir, you ordered a beer and that's just what I brought. I guess somebody shoulda warned ya' that everything's big in Texas!" Well the man ordered the steak for dinner, and when it came, he received yet another shock. The steak was gargantuan -- a 64 oz. T-bone! When the bartender saw the shocked and somewhat frightened look on the man's face, he simply shrugged and said "Everything's big in Texas!" Finally the man had consumed as much of the beer and steak as he could, and asked the bartender to direct him to the nearest restroom. The bartender said "Down the hall and to the right," but since the man had just drank a gallon or two of beer, he was a bit tipsy and accidentally went down the hall and to the LEFT, where the hotel's swimming pool was located. A moment later the bartender heard a bunch of splashing and hollering so he came running to see what was the matter. Sure enough the man had fallen right into the pool and was thrashing and hollering as if the water were battery acid. Mystified, the bartender yelled "You alright mister? You need help?" The man simply screamed, "JUST DON'T FLUSH THIS THING!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty. He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round. Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket. "Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?" "The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?" The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter. "Is he real?" asked the bartender. "Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?" The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?" "Of course he can talk," said the man. "Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A first time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cellblock becomes dark nearly silent. Eventually a voice from across the cellblock cries out "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock enjoys a hearty laugh. The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says "Sure, why not tell number eighteen!" No response whatsoever.....not even a snicker! The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong. The cellmate replies, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Sentence Sermons Be Fishers of Men.... You catch 'em, He'll Clean 'em. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord! Forbidden fruits create many jams. Give God what's right, not what's left! Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"! God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible! He who angers you, controls you! He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone! Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity. Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive! Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. "Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere. Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty! The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. This Church is "Prayer Conditioned"! To be almost saved is to be totally lost. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning! Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does! We don't change the message, the message changes us. We set the sail; God makes the wind. We're too blessed to be depressed. Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2)Not saying it. Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. There's something to be said for the old days. Hope you enjoyed this bit of spontaneous humor. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!," what does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TIPS ON STAYING SAFE. . . FOR WOMEN 1. I learned from my children's karate classes that the elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! 2. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Last night I attended a personal safety workshop, and it jolted me. It was given by an amazing man, Pat Malone, who has been a body guard for famous figures like Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI and teaches police officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat. This man has seen it all, and knows a lot. He focused his teachings to us on HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. He gave us some statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a victim of a violent crime. Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation: Study Them They Can Save Your Life 1. The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are: (a) Lack of Awareness You MUST know where you are & what's going on around you. (b) Body Language Keep your head up, swing you arms stand up straight. (c) Wrong Place, Wrong Time DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night. 2. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc. , and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc). DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: (a) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat & floor area . (b) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. (c) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead). 3. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). 4. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! (a) The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! 5. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. (a) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. (b) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the back on the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front and the car and sped away. DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." -- Mahatma Gandhi Liston to The Pledge Of Allegiance - by Red Skelton on web page: http://www.mamarocks.com/pledge_of_allegiance.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PORTRAIT - An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes from morons? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING (Answers at bottom) 1. There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 4. At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? 5. What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? 6. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 7. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 8. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them. 9. There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? 10. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?" 11. There are several ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls--a walk--is one way. Name the others. 12. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? 13. How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning? 14. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s." Scroll down for Answers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they think were considered to be the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes: 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids, 2. Taj Mahal, 3. Grand Canyon, 4. Panama Canal, 5. Empire State Building, 6. St. Peter's Basilica, 7. China's Great Wall. While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. She asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many but I think I have them now." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are: 1. to touch 2. to taste 3. to see 4. to hear .........She hesitated a little, and then continued, 5. to feel 6. to laugh 7. and to love Then the room was so full of silence it was deafening! It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done for us regarding it as merely "ordinary." Don't overlook the everyday important things like family, friends, hugs, laughs...they're some of the most important of all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Keith," she said, "Do you remember When we were young and you would hold my hand?" He reached across and took her wrinkled fingers And felt the worn smooth wedding band. "Keith," she said, "Do you remember When we were young and you would hold me tight?" He put his arm around her As they rocked away the night. "Keith," she said, "Do you remember When we were young and you would kiss my neck?" He reached across the rocker arm And gave her wrinkled throat a peck. "Keith," she said, "do you remember When we were young and you would nibble on my ear?" He got up and shuffled off. Her eyes began to tear. "Keith," she called with shaky voice. Her rocking stopped and she called, "Keith!" "You just sit there, I'll be back," he said, I'm going to get my teeth." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TODAY'S TIPS: STAYING YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her. 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop,"the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford! 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death and just wait in residence for your mail. 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt country. 10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim. This was the response: "I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools so only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HIS FIRST FUNERAL A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Kinkaid. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell--the nut has gone to heaven." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "FACTS OF LIFE" 1. The best way to get even is to forgive and forget. 2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death. 3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. 4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight. 5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth. 6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea! 7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up. 8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways. 9. Words are windows to the heart. 10. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the 'handwriting on the wall', claims it's a forgery. 11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt. 12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person. 13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground. 14. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them. 15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it. 16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you. 17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive! 18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done. 19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. 20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks, "Oh these must be for your Mom, huh?" The nine year old shakes his head and replies," Nope, not for my Mom." "Then for you sister?" Nine year old: "Nope not for my sister either." Cashier, curious now; "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says. "They're for my four year old brother." Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??" The nine year old explains; "Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike. And my little brother can't do either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ANSWERS to a QUIZ FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING 1. Boxing. 2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think). 5. Baseball. 6. Strawberry. 7. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 8. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 9. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 10. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west. 11. Batter hit by a pitch; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike and batter reaches first before the ball; fielder's choice, being designated as a pinch runner, and reaching base due to an error. 12. Lettuce. 13. If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe. 14. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~