Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reportere came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old? The Nun Replied, "No, don't you know old habits are hard to break!" ************************************* "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be giddy up!" *************************************** A little boy is at school one day and while he is gone, his cat dies. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. When he arrives home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?" ****************************************** A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing!" ************************************* If you think that today's students aren't learning all they should, check out some of the notes from their parents. The following are actual excuse notes received by teachers: Dear School: Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31,32, and also 33. Please excuse Rowland from P.E. for a few days, Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. ***************************************** A burglar broke into an empty house in the middle of the night. He had taken just a few steps when he heard a voice boom out in the darkness, saying, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He stopped dead in his tracks, waited a few minutes, when he heard nothing else he began tiptoeing forward only to hear "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" again. He froze and began looking frantically around to see who had said that. Finally, over in a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the bird cage was a parrot. He said to the parrot, "Did you say 'Jesus is watching you' just now?" The parrot said, "Yes, I did." The burglar said, "What is your name?" The parrot answered, "Clarence" The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus." ****************************************** "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." -Dorothy Parker "Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" -James Thurber "Life is a zoo in a jungle." -Peter DeVries "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -Jean Cocteau "Hollywood -- a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum." -Laurence Stallings "One of the most obvious facts about grown-ups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child." -Randall Jarrell "The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit." -Dwight Morrow "No man is ever old enough to know better." -Holbrook Jackson "Old age is always 15 years older than I am." -Bernard Baruch "History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living." -Lawrence Durrell "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose." -Winston Churchill ***************************************** In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. *********************************** ARE YOU FEELING OLD? If not, consider this: This fall's college freshman class was born after 1980. The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived. They have no memory of a time before MTV. "New Wave" is their parents' musical generation. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a losing congressional candidate or perhaps in some obscure survey history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome. Black Monday 1987 is as insignificant to them as the Great Depression. Their world has always included AIDS. Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s. They see "Family Ties" as something middle-aged ladies watch. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes. From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away. The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing, and why anyone wouldn't buy a suburban is beyond them. ************************************************* THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout -- run right back and make friends. Bond with your pack. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. ************************************** THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! ************************************** The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..." ************************************** Handy Engineering Conversions Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 100 Senators: Not 1 decision **************************** **************************** What did the leftovers say when they were put into the freezer? - Foiled again. What machine scares the daylights into you? An alarm clock. Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for a terrible summer. What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles -- because there's a mile between the first and last letter. What is more blessed to give than to receive? Advice. What two words have the most letters? Post office. ************************************ A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!" ************************************* Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly." So Little Billy asked, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?" ************************************* Military Intelligence One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy. ***************************************** The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 8. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." 9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. 11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost. 12. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 13. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity. 14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. 15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. *************************************** A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!" *********************************** A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good." On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good." ********************************* FACTS ABOUT AMERICANS 1. Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. 2. 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. 3. Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. 4. 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. 5. 91% of us lie regularly. 6. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. 7. 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. 8. 10% believe in the Ten Commandments. 9. 82% believe in an afterlife. 10. 45% believe in ghosts. 11. 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. 12. 58.4% have called into work sick when they weren't. 13. When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. ************************************** Useless trivia 1. It is estimated that Americans will consume 10 million tons of turkey on Thanksgiving Day. Due to turkey's high sulphur content, Americans will also produce enough gas to fly a fleet of 75 Hindenbergs from L.A. to New York in 24 hours. (Non-smoking flights, of course.) 2. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. 3. The characters Bert and Ernie on "Sesame Street" were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life." 4. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 5. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. 6. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. 7. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateatuipu- kakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill. 8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 9. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. 10. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. 11. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 12. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 13. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. 14. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." ********************************** More Short Funnies: 1. It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - Oxford University Press, Edpress News 2. World's shortest blues song: "I didn't wake up this morning..." 3. I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats canines to another." 4. It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember. 5. My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out. 6. There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less. 7. "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman 8. Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon. 9. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 10. First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed. 11. Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home. 12. Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. 13. I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. - Ronald Reagan 14. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? 15. Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. 16. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. 17. If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost. - Herb Cohen 18. The American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour. 19. When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh 20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook. 21. A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. 22. Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue. ***************************************** ***************************************** Are you good at pronouncing names, try this one; The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase, A protein. See it at the end, spelled out, just for you. ************************************ A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!" ********************************** Parents spend the first part of a child's life urging him to walk and talk, and the rest of his childhood making him sit down and keep quiet. Adolescence is a series of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a child may see his parents age 20 years. A little boy never said a word for six years. One day his parents served him cocoa. From out of left field, the kid says, "This cocoa's no good." His parents went around raving. They said to him, "Why did you wait so long to talk?" He said, "Up till now, everything's been okay." Father: Well, son, what did you learn in school today? Son: I learned to say, "Yes, sir," and "No, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," and "No, ma'am." Father: Really? Son: Yeah! ********************************** A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry. "Don't be scared, Mary," the husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together." ********************************** My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other... "Be Smart, Don't Start." *************************************** Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, Twenty-two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." **************************************** Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" ******************************************* One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name?" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. He replied, "L-O-W C-E-L-L" ********************************** Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer "Pain and Suffering" as well as "Mental Anguish." You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick your hand into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there". * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway. Or you could just go to McDonald's, have a Big Mac and sue because the pickle was hot! *************************************** Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his bottom. "Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart." Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!" **************************************** WOMEN: Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving, They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing stuff. *********************************** What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My dad's very rich, so I don't know what to get him for his Birthday. What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why was Adam a famous runner? Because he was in the first human race. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come for a summer visit." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharoah's court. What animal took the most baggage into the ark? The elephant. He took his trunk, while the fox and the rooster only took a brush and a comb. Who was the most successful physician in the Bible? Job, he had the most patients. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years to why people don't go to church, included this list in the Sunday bulletin: TEN REASONS WHY I NEVER WASH 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. 3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which is best. 4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. 5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. 6. None of my friends wash. 7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 8. I can't spare the time. 9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. 10. People who make soap are only after your money. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds,and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young businessman returned home after a tough day at the office and found his two daughters, both about kindergarten age, acting up pretty boisterously. He scolded them and sent them off to bed. The next morning, he found a note stuck on his bedroom door: "Be good to your children, and they will be good to you. God." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, "Fool." Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: "I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fellow slid his car off a road and ended up in a ditch. A farmhouse was nearby so the motorist asked the owner if he had a tractor he could borrow to get his truck back on the road. "Nope, but I got my mule, Blue," said the farmer. "I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull my truck out." "You don't know Blue," said the mule's proud owner. So Blue was hitched to the truck. "Pull, Blue!" The truck didn't move. And the farmer then called out, "Pull, Elmer!" The truck moved a little. Then the farmer yelled, "Pull, Biscuit," and the truck was free. "Thank you so much," said the truck owner. "But I have a question. You called your mule by three different names. How is that?" "Simple," said the farmer. "Blue is blind. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, your truck would still be in the ditch!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion -- not proof -- to destroy it. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will. I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. ******************************* Bloopers Taken from Real Church Bulletins ** The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. ** Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. ** The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." ** Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. ** The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ** Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. ** A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ** At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ** Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ** Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ********************************** The minister and the church board called a special meeting of the congregation to explain some desperate needs of the building that had to be fixed before winter set in - roof, boiler, etc. "The board approved that we should take a special offering today to get these repairs underway right away. As they pass the plates to you, I promise that the one who gives the greatest offering will be allowed to pick 3 hymns for next week's service." The plates were passed and brought to the minister, who discovered a $1,000 bill on top. "Oh my!, how wonderful! Who gave this $1,000 bill?" A little old lady in the back shyly raised her hand. "Oh Mabel, how generous you are! How blessed we are! Come up and let us thank you!" When Mabel got to the front with all the applause of the congregation, the minister invited her to select the hymns she wanted. Mabel slowly turned around to face the congregation, stretched out her arm and said, "I pick him! And him! And him!" *********************************** MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years." THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." ******************************** A four year old was at the paediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." *********************************** Mid-life (for women) is.... Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life, jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? ******************************** Seven Ages of a Marriage Head Cold 1ST YEAR: The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse." 2ND YEAR: "Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?" 3RD YEAR: "Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?" 4TH YEAR: "No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" 5TH YEAR: "Why don't you take a couple aspirin?" 6TH YEAR: "You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!" 7TH YEAR: "For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store. **************************** Here are some conversations which had actually happened between help desk people and their customers. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse." ~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?" Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "Now what do I do?" Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?" Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'" Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name." Customer: "How do you spell that?" ~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" ~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?" Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support: "Well then we can't--" Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'." Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--" Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me." Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later." ~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No." ~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" ~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" Tech Support: "Years of training..." ~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer: "A white one." ~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?" Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?" Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?" Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?" Customer: "Which one is that?" Tech Support: "Windows NT Server." Customer: "Ok, thanks." ~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer: "How do you spell that?" ~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I can't log in to my account." Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration." Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive." Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?" Customer: "'Case Sensitive'." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?" Customer: "Word 6.0." ~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" ~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!" ~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" ~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I have a long distance modem." ~~~~~~~~ Customer: "I don't have a space bar." ~~~~~~~~ Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?" ******************************** A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. "Hi honey, are you at the club?" "Yes, dear." "Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window." "How much is it, dear?" "They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?" "But you already have fur coats?" "Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!" "Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!" "Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??" "Honey, come on, we already have cars!" "You promised me that I could get a convertible!" "How much is it?" "You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!" "OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!" "I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!" "I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?" "Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!" "How much is it listed at?" "Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!" "I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make a an offer but no more than $415,000." "This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!" "See you tonight dear." The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?" ****************************** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, is a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. From Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylal- anylglutaminylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanyl- phenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylasparty- lprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylas- partylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartylal- anylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanylserylas- partylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucyl- glutaminylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalany- lalanylalanylglycylvalythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylpheny- lalanylglutamylmethionylleucyalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminy- llysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylglyclleucylleucy- lmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginy- llysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu- taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalany- lprolyphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidy- lasparaginylvalylalanylprolyisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteiny- lprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginy- lglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginylglycyltyrosylthre- onyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylgylcyl- alanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspart- aginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparag- inylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylgly- cylisoleucylserylalanylprolyaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalany- lisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylsery- lglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylgluta- minylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamyllysylmethiony- lleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly- methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine ****************************************** ****************************************** ******************************************