The deepest hunger of the human soul is to be understood,
                  to feel heard, to feel validated ... 
The deepest hunger of the human body is for air. If you can listen
        to another person, in depth, until they feel understood, its the 
        equivalent of giving them air.         - Steven Covey 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN ... 
And I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m. 
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. 
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. 
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid........ 
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. 
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. 
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. 
I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over.
          (anybody not hear the alligator joke?) 
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. 
I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... 
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, wild children, politicians 
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place, after all I put it in a safe place. 
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. 
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies... 
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory..... 
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. 
I wonder why they let children become doctors, lawyers, policeman nowadays. 
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP..... 
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I still be alive at 150? 
I'm supporting all movements now, by eating bran, and raisins. 
I'm a walking storeroom of facts, I've just can't remember where the storeroom is. 
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!! 
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many
          more people! You didn't send it to me, did you??????? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am passing this on to you - - - It is definitely working for me.
I think I have found inner peace.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to
          finish things you had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle
         of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already.
Pass this along to those who need Inner Peace....
   Jill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joke of the Day - Forewarning....... it's clean, watch YOUR thought!
* Schwartzenegger has a big one. * Michael J. Fox has a small one. 
* Madonna doesn't have one. * The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
* Clinton uses his all the time. * Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. 
* George Burns's was hot. * Liberace never used his with women.
* Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his! 
What is it?           ......     and the answer is:     "A Last Name!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me PUNcture the sullenness of your hum-drum day. 
1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is just two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do You Remember
1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________."
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was
                         "Turn on; tune in; ________________."
3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
         grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?"  Invariably,
         someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind."  
         What did he leave behind?    ________________.
4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most
          memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at
           the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason
           I'm traveling on, _______________________."
5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 
         achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them 
         on the ________________________show.
7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
          our _____________.
8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and 
           adventures of Dick and Jane.  
           What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?  ______
9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it)
            in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s) did it go by?  
             _______________ & ________________
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
               the ___________and the ____________.
11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists "hippies." 
               But in the early sixties, they were known as  ________________.
12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short 
              end of the stick in the television program,  "The Life of Riley." 
              At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
               exclaim, What a ________."
13. "Get your kicks, ________________."
14. "The story you are about to see is true.  
              The names have been changed _______________."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, 
              mixed his martinis a special way:________________.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" 
              dialogue - was called _________.
18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator 
                strapped to their belts.  But back in the sixties, 
                 members of the math club used a _________.
19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the day the music died."  
                This was a reference and tribute to  _______________.
20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously
               lifted through thin air and into the front seat of a convertible. 
               The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ________________."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick
             that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the__________.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best... ____________________."
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave 
             way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model _________.
24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill."  Our parents shared this great
            jazz trumpet player with us.  His name was ________________.
25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments
            was "Joe, the Bartender."  Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly 
           off- center, but lovable character, _______________.
            (The character's name, not the actor's.)
26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. 
              The Russians did it; it was called ____________.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?  ____________.
28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we
              twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway
                musical ______________.
30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo)
                  was ________________. Red ended his television show by saying,
                 "Good night, and ________________."

THE ANSWERS:
1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in; drop out." 
     Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond
      traders and corporate lawyers.
3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind
       his mask.  Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as
        the Lone Ranger without his mask!
4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll 
       be gone.  You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."
5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 
     1968 was known as the Chicago seven.  As Paul Harvey says,
      "They would like me to mention their names."
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them 
     on the Ed Sullivan Show.
7. Some who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their draft cards. 
       If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra 
       while I was watching.  The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's
        liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.
8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot.  "See Spot run."  Whatever happened to them?  
       Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by 
        "Heather Has Two Mommies."
9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the
          Jets.  West Side Story.
11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were known as beatniks.
          Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beatnik, except that he had no
           rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.
12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and 
            exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."
13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
14. "The story you are about to see is true.  
               The names have been changed to protect the innocent."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, 
              mixed his martinis a special way: shaken, not stirred.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer. 
              Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.
18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.
19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" 
             under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best.... chooo-c'late." 
           In the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog.  
             (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, 
             as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.
24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
              His name was Louis Armstrong.
25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?  A Timex watch.
28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist
                was called the hula-hoop.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the 
                Broadway musical "Hair.
30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. 
         (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.")  Red ended 
      his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SENIOR CITIZENS
It was  NOT the seniors who took:
The melody out of music,  The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,   The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from manners, The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or The ambition out of achievement.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience 
from personal relationships and interactions with others!
Remember: Inside every older person is a young person 
       wondering what happened!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 The good ol' days
We have sure come a long way since 1957.
Thought you might like to see these comments made in the year 1957:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
           to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? 
            It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 
           A quarter a pack is ridiculous.."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about
             charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be
             able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 
          29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to
         stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will bewearing their hair as
          long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.......Ever since they let 
         Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
         every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man
         on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some
          fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
          year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
          making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric..  
         They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
         are having to work to make ends meet."  "It won't be long before young
         couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can
         both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be
          getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot
           of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
            our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
             people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
             doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
              It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more;  $35 a day in the hospital is too
             rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Income tax started at 3% of income and was supposed to be a temporary fix
             for the war years for rebuilding.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do You Have A.A.A.D.D?       (note: this editor does........)
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!  I have
recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder...this is how it goes:
 I decide to wash the car.
 I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
 Ok, I'm going to wash the car.
 But first I'm going to go through the mail.
 I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail
      and I notice the trashcan is full.
 OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm
        going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my checkbook?
Oops, there's only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the Coke I was drinking.
I'm going to look for those checks.
But first I need to put my Coke further away from the computer.
Oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye because they need some water.
I set that can of Coke on the counter and...uh, oh!  There are my glasses.
I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots --Aaaaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look
     in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put
     it back in the family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor.
I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back
        down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the trashcan is overflowing, 
      the Coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, there's
      a water spot on the floor, the checkbook still only has one check in it, the remote
      is missing, and I can't seem to find my car keys!
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because 
       I KNOW I was busy all day long!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first - I think I'll check my e-mail...
Please send this to everyone you know because
       I DON'T REMEMBER TO WHOM I'VE SENT THIS !!!

(Smilers editor's note ..... That is one good reason why I do the web site 
       no duplicate e-mails sent, yet maybe some in the Smilers files ...........)
Please do pass on the web address whenever you can, and Thanks!
This is not Candid Camera, but you can smile anyway. And as Red Skelton 
ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as the Christian has his moments when the clamor of this
visible and audible world is so persistent, and the whisper of the 
spiritual world so faint that faith and reason can hardly stick to
their guns, so, as I well remember, the atheist also has his moments
of shuddering misgiving, of an all but irresistible suspicion that old
tales may, after all, be true, that something or someone from outside
may at any moment break into his neat, explicable, mechanical
universe. Believe in God, and you will have to face hours when it 
seems obvious that this material world is the only reality; disbelieve 
in Him, and you must face hours when this material world seems to 
shout at you that it is not all.  No conviction religious or irreligious 
will, of itself, end once and for all this fifth-columnist in the soul. 
Only the practice of faith resulting in the habit of faith 
will gradually do that.              C. S. Lewis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Medical Term Needed 
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things 
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English,
 what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a
trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented
to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s,
and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"
"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing
uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, 
"I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Found on T-Shirts
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
My Dog Can Lick Anyone!
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet
- so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more
feet." --Rita Rudner
"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great
wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there
is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a
witch." --Dave James
"College is spending $100 for a book, and $300 to prove
you read it." --Unknown
"I hate flowers. I only paint them because they're cheaper
than models and they don't move." --Georgia O'Keefe
"You know your children have grown up when they stop
asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you
where they are going." --Unknown
When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not
asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion,
from your mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife
to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When 
you come back, I'll have a surprise for you".
The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off
to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the
wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, 
he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money
can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared."
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both inside
and out. But there was one striking difference. There was
only one pew, and it was at the very back.
"A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals 
entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down.
When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed,
the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew
began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church,
it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up
from below at the back and more people sat down.
And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards
until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. 
He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was 
still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, 
and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but
sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, 
cute cuddly cubs.  I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home,
woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed
to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of
tests to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him
until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back,
the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was
suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to
call the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, 
"Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart
bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find
himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding
how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he
had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No
health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No
money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative
who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster
sister, who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns
are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God," The patient
replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together
to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks
back to mother?  Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison:
"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. 
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? 
Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with
a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married
my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and
my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became
 mother-in-law of her father-in-law. 
"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. 
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but
he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my 
wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the 
half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose 
stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, 
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew
and I'm my own grandfather!
"And you think you have family problems!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notes to the Landlord......... (or Building Super)
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children
until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming
from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running
away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. 
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and 
would like a third, so will you please send someone to
do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My
wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does anyone know the original derivation of the word "posh",
as in expensive or upscale ?        POSH
Derived from British travelling by sea to India on the East India 
Line. Port Out Starboard Home = Posh. This was the side of the
ship in shade therefore the preferred cabin choice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a crow?
A.  Downed power lines.
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery
never changes. -- Lewis Grizzard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Does That Mean?
Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy.  
As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on
the pulpit. Levi whispered, "What does that mean?"
Jimmy replied, "Unfortunately -- nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long 
been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, 
however, over a strange ritual he performed daily.  
While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe,
take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the
paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.
After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire
crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the
safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:
'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to
anyone who would listen.  Diane's 4-year-old son overheard some of
his mother's private conversations. One day when Diane and her 
4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was
excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we're going to name it, too."
"Really?" asked the lady.
"Yes." said the little boy, "If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina,
and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a
long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard
and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand 
and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view 
and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,
"Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man 
replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up 
spending forty years in the wilderness".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
           core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
               stand up and say, My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
               centuries have a 'use by' date?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll squeeze
                  these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
                 why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to
                their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
          removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
          If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house 
           is to buy a replacement. 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 
One good turn gets most of the blankets. 
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. 
Life is sexually transmitted. 
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the 
                fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" 
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. 
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention 
                       to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 
Every morning is the dawn of a new error..... 
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord. 
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... 
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change. 
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 
Don't be so open-minded, that your brains will fall out. 
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 
Diplomacy is the art of saying  "Nice doggie!"...till you can find a rock. 
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. 
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. 
Help Wanted: Telepath.  You know where to apply. 
Budget:  A method for going broke methodically. 
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the 
year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.
When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little
boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The
teacher urged him to tell us more.
He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then
He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he
didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been
a stampede of dead guys."
Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much.

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great 
drama he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally,
he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood
very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us
sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'." 

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout 
from the back seat, "Mom!  That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.  So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my 
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with 
a charming  little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it 
fell in  the toilet a few days ago."

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from 
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not 
necessarily those of his parents."
 
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. 
During her struggle he phone rang so she asked her four-year old 
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said 
to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk
to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
 
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, 
my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that
one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,
my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
 
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," 
she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before
you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically,
"Why does it have to be a secret?"
 
When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven
Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an 
old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow 
White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious.
As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up,
"See, Mom ....  She doesn't like the skin either." 

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a 
droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children 
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she 
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them
back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
 
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. 
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; 
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked 
wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. 
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you 
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while
I asked, "No, how are we alike?" 
"You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. 
he told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I 
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun 
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her 
what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie 
we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. 
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
"What caused the submarine to sink?" 
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. 
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy 
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that
this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of
a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say,
"Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal
to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man.
The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped
immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode
off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was
heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the
donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just
kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the
man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and
closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a
prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off
the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the
cliff. "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?       A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
       A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?  
       A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
          she's borderline irrational.       A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, 
           but pressure. Is she right?
       A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
       A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
       A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
       A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
       A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
       act normal again?       A: When the kids are in college.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their
end of the year program for the congregation - telling
about the life of Jesus.
When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little
boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The
teacher urged him to tell us more.
He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then
He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he
didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been
a stampede of dead guys."
Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper
            sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
             AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 
                      OTHER WOMEN !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered
a dead mule in the church yard.  He called the police. Since there did not 
appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health
department. They said since there was no health threat that he should
call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule
without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. 
The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but
the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He 
immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said,
"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three
engineers only buy one ticket. 
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. 
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. 
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all 
three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. 
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" 
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. 
The conductor takes it and moves on. 
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference,
the accountants decide to copythe engineers on the return trip and save some
money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. 
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. 
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the 
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. 
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." Will Rogers            

Income Tax time approaches..... Did you ever notice: When you put
the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"

No individual has any right to come into the world and go out of it 
without leaving behind him distinct and legitimate reasons for having
passed through it.    ---   George Washington Carver

"There are exactly three kinds of people in the world. 
                Those that can count, and those that can't."

Real Good Web Site .... rules to surf by, on the internet.
             http://www.pmpublications.com/Netiquette.htm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After reading the following you will understand without any doubt
the quotation:          "YOU  CAN'T  HIDE   DUMB!" 
When white man found this land, Indians were running it. 
No Taxes  No Debt  Plenty Buffalo  Plenty Beaver 
Women did most of the work  Medicine Man free 
Indian men hunted and fished all the time 
White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS
1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
    If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits
    in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
    telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to  realize that you had
     set it free.......You either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, 
       someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
     "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my
       address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. 
       But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of 
       stupid to forget to eat.
5. A friend of mine confused her Prozac with her birth control pills.
        She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
6. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
       eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. 
       Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!
7. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody
        older than 20 can fit into her stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. 
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every 
day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for
one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond
negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod 
and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried 
in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling
the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch 
her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic 
devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to
get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find
out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the
wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the
girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and 
met his wife at the road. 
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. 
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 
"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. 
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." 
"Batteries?" cried the wife. 
"Yes," he replied. 
"She sells C cells by the sea shore!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To anyone teaching or raising kids, of any age, here's some advice 
Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school graduation speech about
11 things they did not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, 
and politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with
no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the
real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you
to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. 
He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger flipping-- they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your
mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the
closet in your own room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not.
In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as
many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very
few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on 
your own time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the
coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AS PERCEIVED IN THE MINDS OF 7TH GRADERS
The following  were answers provided by seventh graders during a 
history test. Watch the spelling!  Some of the best humor is in the
incorrect spelling.
1.  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made 
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. 
He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. 
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, 
and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going 
to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and 
was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all 
shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention 
was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic 
pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 
Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. 
He wrote Donkey Hotey. The next  great author was John Milton.  
Milton wrote Paradise Lost
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. 
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by 
rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went
to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving 
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a 
large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster 
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. 
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone 
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of  rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
 Madman Curie discovered the radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Simple QUIZ.... 
FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WILL NEVER MAKE
"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" OR EVEN
"THE WEAKEST LINK"...HERE'S THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ! 
(Passing requires 4 correct answers) 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? 
3) From which animal do we get catgut? 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
5) What is a camel's hairbrush made of? 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 
7) What was King George VI's first name? 
8) What color is a purple finch? 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
All done?   Check your answers below. 
  
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?   116 years 
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
                   November 
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 
7) What was King George VI's first name?   Albert 
8) What color is a purple finch?   Crimson 
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?   New Zealand 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED ! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Foregone Conclusions:
(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
             than the British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
            fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(C)  The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
             attacks than the British or Americans.
(D)  The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
            fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. 
              It's speaking English that kills you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing
             through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself 
            because he's so glad to see you, get a dog. 
If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never
            says his mother made it better, get a dog.If you want someone who's
            always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to
             go, get a dog.
If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal 
            weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog.
If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about
            Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as
            long as you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you
           warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and
           snores, get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care
           how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is 
          worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all
            the time, get a dog!
On the other hand... If you want someone who nevercomes when you call 
him, totally ignores you when youwalk in the room, leaves hair all over the
place, walksall over you, prowls around all night and come homeonly to eat
and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy... 
Get a CAT! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. 
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him,"I'll leave the key
under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher,leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Doberman, 
he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY 
circumstances,talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day,
he discovers the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he has ever seen. 
But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the 
repairman go about his business. The parrot, however,drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing,and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brain teasers ......... How many can you get?
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
       rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins 
       with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3
         years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
         over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
         both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. 
          How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all
          of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers,
          and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when 
            you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
         Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find
          out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think 
           nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! 
           It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still 
            may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might
           find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
And the ANSWERS are .................
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
              developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the
       barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
             In Homer Simpson's words: hmmmm ... Barbecue.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English
         language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by
                people who annoy me."    -- Noel Coward
People want the front of the bus, back of the church,
                and center of attention. 
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws
                trying to enforce 10 commandments. 
Young Son: "I heard that in some parts of Africa they don't know
               their spouse until they get married.  Is it true, Dad?"
               Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The prime minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning 
of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. Prime Minister
Sharon requests that he be allowed to begin with a story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The prime minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came
to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years 
through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were
thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared
before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage 
of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses
came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites.
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no 
Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replied the prime minister. "Now that we've got that settled, 
let's begin our negotiations."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone brought a visitor and the new fellow sat fascinated as the
funnymen shouted out numbers: "56!" "923!" "307!" Each time a 
number was called, the others would laugh and laugh.
Finally he asked his host, "What are the numbers for?" The other man
explained, "Oh, we've been coming to these conventions for so long,
everyone knows all the jokes. We just categorize them by number and
then save time by using the number alone."
*ENDING #1:* The visitor thought this was an interesting idea and
decided to try it himself. So the next time there was a pause, he stood
up and called out, "468!" The others roared with laughter. He waited,
then called out, "22!" and again everyone roared.  Then he called out,
"829!" and there was a dead silence, except for one guy in the fourth
row, who laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and rolled on the
floor, seemingly unable to stop.
The visitor poked his host and whispered, "How come he's laughing 
and the others aren't?"
The host whispered back, "Oh, that's because he never heard that one
before."
*ENDING #2:* The visitor thought this was an interesting idea, so he
stood up and called out, "468!" and no one laughed. There was a dead
silence.
Puzzled, he turned to his host. The other man looked away, sniffed, and
said condescendingly, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was.
Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park,
her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered
her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest
Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear,
what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff
off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report
card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? 
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you 
throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance
good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented
the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to
go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Martha Stewart vs me 
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a 
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, you are
probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. 
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the
bag with the potatoes. 
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the
pantry for up to a year. 
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, 
use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
on the outside of the cake. 
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. 
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still 
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix me up". 
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn 
bad. My motto: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it tastes. 
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. 
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before 
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing 
egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't 
rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and
then the problem isn't the headache, it is because you are now BLIND! 
Martha's way #8: 
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future 
use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine? Now that's hilarious! 
Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex 
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. 
Martha's way #10: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. 
Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse. 
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti- bacterial 
soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced
to his congregation:  I have good news and bad news. 
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets. 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. 
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because 
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 
Energy efficient vehicle. 
Runs on oats and grass. 
Caution: Do not step in exhaust. 

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in
the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," 
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good Lord, it's morning." 

A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city
because  he was short of time and couldn't find a space with
a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 
I have circled the block 10 times. 
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. 
FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. 
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this  note. 
I've circled this block for 10 years. 
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. 
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Doctor Science,
Is there a reason for not ending a sentence with a preposition that
you can think of? -- John Mostrom from Seattle, WA
I must admit I don't know where you're coming from. Correct usage
in English and Science is something I've devoted my whole life to. Of
course, if I say anything you can't understand, it will just become a new
hammer you can try to hit me or another expert over the head with.
There are plenty of people like you I can't hope to change the mind of.
But then, I've dealt with people like you before. People who don't really 
want to learn, but just hope to find someone they can publicly disagree
with. There's little I can say that your type won't find something to
object to. But getting back to your question, no there's really no reason 
for not ending a sentence with a preposition, at least none I can think of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cannibal went to the tribe's witch doctor. 
"Doc, I've been feeling lousy lately."
"Hmmm," replied the witch doctor.  "Let's review your diet.  
Are you eating man or animal?"
We're eating those Catholic missionaries we caught last week."
"OK, tell me how you cook them."
"Same way as always, doc.  We boil them up in the big pot."
"Hmmmm," pondered the witch doctor.  "Tell me more about these
Catholic missionaries."
"Well, funny thing, doc. They all look alike! They're short, fat, wear 
long robes, sandals, rope for belts, and are bald with a fringe of hair."
"Well, that's your problem right there," responded the witch doctor.
"Those guys aren't boilers!  Their friars!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away 
from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a 
minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. 
The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three 
grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.
"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to 
an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that 
our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to 
approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those
Canadian winters!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," 
said the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and 
went 'pssst' and he `didn't move."
(Let's hope poor kitty was not deaf!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Student Book Offers Twisted History Lesson By Sarah Tippit
Experience history from the Stoned Age to the Blintz Krieg! From
Middle Evil Times to the Age of Now, from the Land of Milk and 
Chocolate to the Iran Hostess Crisis and the fall of the Berlin Mall!
Welcome to the wonderful world of "Non Campus Mentis," 
(Workman) a book of mangled moments of Western Civilization
culled from actual term papers and exams of today's "brightest"
students by incredulous college professor Anders Henriksson who, 
while grading exams, chose to laugh, rather than cry, at his 
students' most egregious mistakes.
History, after all, is nothing more than "the behind of the present," 
according to one student, who aptly added: "This gives incites 
from the anals of the past."
The once-mighty British Empire is in a "state of recline. Its colonies 
have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map."
Chairman "Moo" has passed away, as has former President "Franklin
Eleanor Roosavelt," and civil rights leader "Martin Luther Junior" was
slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous
"If I Had A Hammer" speech.
Hitler, a depressed "Nazi leader of a Communist Germany" who spurred 
a huge "anti-semantic" movement through a terrifying "Gespacho,"
launched "Operation Barbarella" while the English "vanely hoped for 
peas." The war began turning around, though, when the "Allies landed 
near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg".
Hitler ultimately "shot himself in the bonker.
At its best, the 150-page book "illustrates the ingenious and often comic 
ways we all attempt to make sense of information we can't understand
because we have no context or frame of reference for it," according to 
Henriksson, chairman of the history department at Shepherd College in
West Virginia. He began compiling samples 20 years ago at the
University of Toronto where he also taught.
Shortly after he began his collection, he published an article in the 
"Wilson Quarterly" titled "College Kids Say the Darndest Things," 
which prompted amused colleagues at more than two dozen universities
in the United States and Canada including West Point, University of 
Alberta and McMaster, to regularly send him their own inane prose 
collections. Last year, when he realized his office overflowed with funny
samples of "cretinalia historica" the idea for a book was born.
While Henriksson declined to identify all the schools involved he said 
they ranged from moderately to highly competitive, about half were in 
Canada, no Ivy League schools were represented, and that one of the 
entries came from Oxford in England.
At its worst, the book may reflect a generation raised in ignorance by
bad schools and disengaged parents.
"This is not the norm," Henriksson told Reuters in an interview. What 
you have here is almost 30 years of my collecting from students' (works)
at various institutions. This really represents sort of the creme de la creme
of the creatively inane."
Did he make it up?
"No!" he said. "Who could make this stuff up except Mel Brooks.
I'm not Mel Brooks." Which prompts the question: Should people sound
the alarms and search for an "escape goat?"
Maybe. Hundreds of student contributors received passing grades with
such statements as: "When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many
people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, 
retreated into extraterrestrialism. The New Deal was an idea inspired
by Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt."
(The Boston Tea Party, by the way, was held at Pearl Harbor.)
Gravity of the misstatements aside, the bloopers make a great reference 
whether one seeks information on the Canadian Missile Crisis, clashes 
between Israelis and Parisians, or the Gulf War in which, according to 
one scholar: "Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia."
(No doubt an act of "premedication.")
Henriksson said the errors fall into three major categories. Some are 
simply caused by bad spelling or a lack of proofreading, and come out 
funny. Some were prompted by a "profound lack of preparation, while 
others, just seem to be "really out at sea," he said.
"You get the ones who don't really even seem to understand there's a line 
between past and present and they tell you that the first airplane was 
flown by the Marx Brothers. I had this one kid who wrote that Spartacus 
led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appered in a movie
about it later."
The book offers fresh new "incites" on history from "prehistoricle" times 
through "King Toot" and the birth of "monolithic" religion.  
("Judyism had one big God named Yahoo").
The book goes on to "chronicle" the birth of Christianity ("Just another 
mystery cult until Jesus was born") and, his pronouncement, later, that
"The mice shall inherit the earth."
The book sheds new light on the lives of Martin Luther (he nailed 95 
theocrats to a church door), "Florence of Arabia," and General George 
"Custard" who managed to stand up anyway.
("Martian Luther King's" four steps to direct action, by the way, included 
"self purification," when you "allow yourself to be eaten to a pulp.")
In its final pages, the book includes students' geographical 
misconceptions as represented on several world maps bearing such labels
as "The Land of Milk and Chocolate" and "Home of Golden Fleas" 
(in the Ancient World) to "Bulemia," "Whales," "Roam," the 
"Eel of France," and the "Automaton Empire" (as they were known in 
the "Middle Evil" Times).
And it notes that, yes, there has indeed been a change in America's "social 
seen," over the centuries. The last stage, according to the book, is "The Age 
of Now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt."
Until then, however, we Americans, "in all humidity" are nothing less than 
"the people of currant times."
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