The journey of a thousand miles begins.............
                          with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life .............
                     is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away 
and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face
                       to frown...but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm 
                       and slap the idiot upside the back of the head... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had 
been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends for a long time, but I 
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember 
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. 
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES
While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench
near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a 
little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.
"He's a fine looking boy" the man said. "That's my daughter on the bike 
in the white dress." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter.
"What do you say we go, Melissa?"
Melissa pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? 
Just five more minutes."
The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart's
content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his 
daughter. "Time to go now?"
Again Melissa pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes."
The man smiled and said, "O.K."
"My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded.
The man smiled and then said, "Her older brother Tommy was killed by a
drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never
spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five
more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with
Melissa. She thinks she has five more minutes to ride her bike.
The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch her play."
Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities?
Give someone you love 5 more minutes of your time today
Author Unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take your time and see if  you can read each line
aloud without a mistake.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line
from the top down ............
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In case you're wondering how Enron came into so much trouble,
here is an explanation reputedly given by a Texas A&M professor 
to explain it in terms his students could understand.
Capitalism:
You have two cows You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, 
and the economy grows.  You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed 
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with the tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights for the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a 
Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the 
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report 
says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets 
is declaring bankruptcy?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pastor, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were
reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to 
replace the first 4 pews. It worked. We got the front of the church
filled first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued,
"And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young 
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that
rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
"So", asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
"Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protests the young priest.  "My confessions have nearly
doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but the flashing
"Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sarah, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's 
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. 
Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when
she accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw
his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon, 
saying that everyone seeing it would assume he was an alcoholic.  
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and 
just walked away without saying a word.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house 
and left it there all night. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are Here!
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood
at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we
are ... very slowly?
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOME (only some) OF THESE ARE WORTH REMEMBERING!! 
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look or it. For 
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's 
dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 
6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right 
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your 
body and your fat are really good friends. 
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy 
 a replacement. 
10. He who hesitates is probably right. 
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind 
 to blame. 
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when 
 he's really in trouble. 
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" 
together it spells "THEIRS"? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blondes attack back
For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, it's payback time...
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
        to do the dishes?      A: Both of them.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop and ask for directions.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
       night?      A: A widow.
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why
did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

15 Ways To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity.......
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES 
ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. 
SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. 
DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING,
ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN".
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS.
ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE
ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. DON'T USE ANY PUNCTUATION
7. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
8. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."
9. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
10. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE
POEMS DON'T RHYME.
11. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA.
PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.
12. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T 
ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
13. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM
"I WON!, I WON!, 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"
14. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARD THE
PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN  FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
15. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE
ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE  OF YOU GO".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown.
Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present,
             he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If
you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible
P.S. Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Osama At The Pearly Gates
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells 
Mr. Washington,slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from
behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" 
Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says 
"This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common 
defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back
toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams
"this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Pun  -  Burglarize:  What a crook sees with

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times I let her sleep.
  
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally 
asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and 
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 
'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of
emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts
impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for
by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground
and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind
schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to
be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and
gone home..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Corporate Law
Start with a cage containing five monkeys.
Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs
under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb
towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the
other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes 
an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with
cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, 
the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and
replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants 
to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys 
attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to 
climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original
five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third
original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time
the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys
that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb
the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys
have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever
again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been 
done around here. And that, is how company policy begins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Classified Ads - Actually Taken from Ads in Newspapers
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
                               BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.
                         LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
                        "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES  CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
             WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. 
                    STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
                        FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
AND THE BEST ONE (?) FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. 
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. 
Wife knows everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was
too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the
Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest 
between the two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but
a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle
things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest 
would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to
be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on
this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has
10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something 
and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore 
comes in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, 
"Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go
out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see
if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish),
Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PROVERBS
1.  If you're too open minded your brains will fall out. 
2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any 
                   more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 
4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5.  If you must choose between two evils, 
                  pick the one you've never tried before. 
6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10.  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12.  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
13.  Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it. 
15.  No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16.  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17.  Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
                      of the waist change places. 
18.  Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19.  Junk is something you've kept for years and 
                       throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize 
                       a mistake when you make it again. 
22.  By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically 
                        provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25.  Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves 
                        for they shall never cease to be amused. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the Cuban National Anthem? 
                Row, row, row your boat.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
               None, they just sit there in the dark and gripe about it.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
              After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
              "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between a Northern! fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
               A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." 
               A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY ASK WHY?
 
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor 
                                   when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If the 7-11 stores are open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, 
                           why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, 
             how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped 
              it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what 
                 happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here".  What is the 
             protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, 
             but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?  
             Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
            down the volume on the radio?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RUFUS AND CLARENCE 
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... 
Rufus and Clarence. 
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. 
Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to 
their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. 
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. 
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... 
er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!" 
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. 
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... 
er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" 
This happened every morning for twenty years. 
One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. 
Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling 
across the river goes on, even with the bridge. 
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. 
"I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' 
to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it." 
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. 
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, 
"I'm gonna across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" 
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to 
the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the 
bridge, looked up..... 
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, 
SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, 
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, 
UNDER THE BED!!!!! 
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" 
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. 
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" 
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge...... 
I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge.... 
looked up....."  
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. 
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said 
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" 
he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tips for Healthy Eating -- 
Q: I've  heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Your heart is only good  for  so many beats, and that's it...don't waste 
them on exercise.  Everything  wears out eventually. Speeding up your 
heart will not  make you live longer; that's  like saying you canextend the 
life of your car by driving it  faster. Want to live longer? Take  nap. 
Q: Should I  cut down on meat and eat more  fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay 
and corn. And what are  these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing  more 
than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system.  Need 
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field  grass (green leafy 
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%  of your recommended 
daily allowance of vegetable slop. 
Q:  Is beer or wine bad  for me? 
A: Look, it goes to the  earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we 
all know,  scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: 
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not 
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only 
leaves  one thing, right? My advice: Have a  burger and a beer and enjoy 
your liquid vegetables. 
Q: How  can I calculate  my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a  body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to 
one. If  you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 
Q:  What are  some of the advantages of participating in a regular 
 exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one,  sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -  Good. 
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  You're not listening. Foods  are fried these days in vegetable oil. 
In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be 
bad for you? 
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? 
A: Thicker gravy. 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the  middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a  muscle, it gets bigger. You  should 
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...  another vegetable. It's  the best 
 feel-good food around! 
I hope this has cleared up  any  misconceptions you may have had about 
food and diets.  Have a  cookie... flour is a veggie! And don't forget "When 
life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of  tequila and some salt." 
Have a wonderful and healthy day! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall 
where a flower show was in progress. Oneleaned over the other and said,
"Cripes! Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I'd
take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up 5 dollars.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes
and completely naked streaked through the front door of the town hall.
Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, 
followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the
door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"How did you do?" asked his friend.
"Great!" he said,
 "I JUST WON FIRST PRIZE AS BEST DRIED ARRANGEMENT."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Interesting Trivia
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. (I don't believe it)
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbl! es" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries"
               will cause your stools to come out green.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that
called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! (This rates a
good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that 
many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep tooooo EEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!)))
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head
           are the rabbit and the parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
           Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is
            the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint
           and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just
           in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for
          a carburettor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women
         who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 
                were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." 
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't
                have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash 
                clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the 
                things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
                letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
               astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
               happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had
              that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number 
              you could come up with! -- Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes
              each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. 
               -- Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I 
               used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait.
               That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be
                 right there. -- Age 5
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for 
                an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting 
                started. -- Age 15
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk.....
         to spend time with his fools.          --Ernest Hemingway 

Light travels faster than sound ........  this is why 
            some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

http://www.revoh.org:1234/towboat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.  and 7:00p.m.  When 
I asked if they could give me a smaller time window.  The pleasant gentleman
asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come ?" I replied that I didn't 
see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.  He also
requested that we report future outages by email. 
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day
of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several
times. While he was working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made
his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised
its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up
and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places. 
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three scientists were in their lab one day and decided they were so smart they
didn't need God anymore. One of the scientists went outside and starting talking
to God. "God, we have decided that we don't need your help anymore, and to
prove this, we want to have a contest. We believe we can build a human from 
scratch faster than you." God replied, "Ok, I'll take your challenge. 
Whoever makes a human first wins."
Excitedly, the scientist raced inside to tell the others. A moment later they
came out ready to begin. The first scientist reached down to grab some earth
when lightning almost struck his hand.
God replied, "Get your own dirt."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there
was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the 
terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic
Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. 
Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff,
bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.  A passing motorist, who 
had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver
out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. 
"What the hell do you think I am -- a stunt driver?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simple Questions ...
WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW 
SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?
ANSWER: "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT
TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL
IS OVER - TAXED, YOU NEED A HOLIDAY
IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE
OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS,
A BLACk HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS....
WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?        "GLASS" 
20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD
COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT
REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, 
HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY
THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK
BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN
EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN
WALL, ..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY,
WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"?
YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" 
IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY
MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL
IN 1 HOUR?
"1 DEGREE"
**WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM
LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON
THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF
11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE
GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF,
3 PEOPLE GET ON.  THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN 
BUS DEPOT..... WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
"YOUR NAME." READ THE FIRST LINE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A SIMPLER TIME ................. Do you remember when?
Mom was at home when the kids got home from school; 
when nobody owned a purebred dog; 
when a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus; 
when you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny; 
when all of your male teachers wore neckties and
female teachers had their hair done and wore high heels; 
when you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, gas pumped without asking, 
all for free, every time, you didn't pay for air, and you got trading stamps to boot.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
        restaurant with your parents; 
when the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms,
       flunk a test or chew gum; 
when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car, to cruise, peel out,
       lay rubber or watch submarine races; 
and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped yarn 
        so it would fit her finger.
And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the
       car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.
And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, 
       since no one ever had a key.
Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things 
        like "That cloud looks like a ..."
Remember jumping waves at the ocean for hours in that cold water;
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game because
          baseball was not a psychological group learning experience, it was a game.
Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 
          because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.
And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time 
          and savor the slower pace and share it with the children of today.
Remember when being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the
          fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, 
            drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Go back with me for a minute....
Before the Internet or the MAC...before semiautomatics and crack...
            before SEGA or Super Nintendo...
Way back ....
I'm talking about hide and go seek at dusk, red light, green light, kick the can,
     playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on...and mother may I?
     red rover, hula hoops, roller skating to music, running through the sprinkler...
And catching lightning bugs in a jar; Christmas morning; 
your first day of school; bedtime prayers and goodnight kisses; 
climbing trees;
getting an ice cream off the ice cream truck; 
a million mosquito bites and sticky fingers;
jumping on the bed;
pillow fights; 
running till you were out of breath;
laughing so hard your stomach hurt;
being tired from playing; your first crush...remember that?

I'm not finished yet....
Kool-aid was the drink of summer; toting your friends on your handle bars;
wearing your new shoes on the first day of school and class field trips.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
There's nothing like the good old days.
They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate, then
             share it with someone that missed out on them.
I want to go back to the time when............
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" and mistakes were
             corrected by simply exclaiming, "do it over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest;
money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly"; 
catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening;
and it wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20 and the worst thing you
             could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better; it was a big deal to finally
             be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park;
getting a foot of snow was a dream come true;
abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare;"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles;
the worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team;
water balloons were the ultimate weapon; and older siblings were the worst
               tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a  Presidential election that was too 
close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic
presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the
two candidates to determine the final winner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a 
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.
The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.
After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would
take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers 
present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return
daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish.
Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and
hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes
in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, 
"Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out
tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is
cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, 
"Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. 
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent. 
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; 
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount." 
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries; 
And there, once again, got quite a surprise. 
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. 
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free." 
Understand--I'm not old--I'm merely mature; 
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure. 
The newspaper print gets smaller each day, 
And people speak softer--can't hear what they say. 
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), 
and my glasses identify people I meet. 
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure. 
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature. 
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. 
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. 
Washing my hair has turned it all white, 
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right. 
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed. 
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!" 
My car has no scratches...not even a dent. 
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent." 
My friends all get older...much faster than me. 
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. 
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure, 
But don't call me old...just call me mature. 
The steps in the houses they're building today 
Are so high that they take...your breath all away; 
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago. 
That should explain why my walking is slow. 
But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new, 
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. 
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure, 
I'not really old .... I'm only mature.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allow
in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is 
mentioned.....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached
      NEW SCHOOL PRAYER
Now I sit me down in school, Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God, Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites, violates to Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow, Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall, Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate. God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the "unwed daddy," our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong.
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd
It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So Lord, this silent plea I make, Should I be shot; my soul please take.  AMEN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Note: All "real men"  answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, 
women will go far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they
carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly  advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first
human they  encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with
a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease,
providing  an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger  and poverty, 
and permanently eliminating oppression  and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present  it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the  Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it  apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of  your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.  B.  Idealism.  C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss  another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure  affection without regard
           for narrow-minded social  conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C.  When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only way to let
           him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is
A. A  cat.  B. A dog.   C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been  seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent,  and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon, you're watching a football game when suddenly, out of the
clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; 
only whether you believe  that you have some kind of future together.
What do  you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
           but you don't want to rush it.
B. That you also have  strong feelings for her, but you don't know when
           you will be ready  for that kind of commitment and you don't want to
          hurt her by  holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you  have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the  rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world
has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A.  You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B.  You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
           and when  she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her
            hair and the stars in  her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7.  One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your
           three children ready for school. Your first question to her is
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school  already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has  turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so 
     large that  you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely  connected underwear molecules and
      has to be handled  with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran  underwear.
       (A real guy checks the garbage regularly in  case somebody, and we are
        not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard
         his underwear.)
9. What is the human race's single  greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.   B.  Religion.     C. Remote control
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the
wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. 
"Thanks," the girl said.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the 
dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.  "Little Partner," the fire fighter says,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that 
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right but then I wouldn't have a siren."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time."
           -- Abraham Lincoln
For serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amidst the storm.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
            blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. 
           But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sorry, we don't have potted geraniums," the clerk said,
and then added helpfully, "Could you use African violets?"
"No," replied Ed sadly, "It was geraniums my wife told me
to water while she was gone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Millionaire: What's your name, driver?
Driver: Alfred, sir.
Millionaire: I always call my drivers by their last names.
Driver: It's Sweetheart, sir.
Millionaire: Drive on, Alfred.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. 
To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.  
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps
meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

George Carlin speaks of the time he was in Hawaii: "I met Don Ho 
and his wife Heidi. Plus his three brothers, Gung, Land, and Hy.
 
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they
left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated
Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, amazed, 
astounded, and unsettled.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said,
"Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
                     Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
                      clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it."
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents 
                     despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
                      what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
                      there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IMPERTURBABILITY
I think Charles Allen said it first. "When faced with problems which threaten to 
steal your peace of mind, learn the meaning of the word 'imperturbability.'"
I heard of two artists who were asked to illustrate peace. Each was assigned the 
task of depicting a peaceful scene on canvas.
The first artist drew a beautiful picture of a countryside on a warm, spring day.
A soft sun illumines green grass. A picturesque farm house and grazing cattle are
bathed in its warmth. A farmer walks contentedly behind strong plow horses his
field ready for spring planting. The picture is one of beauty and quiet tranquility.
The other artist took a different approach. He drew a majestic, rugged cliff. 
Gnarled trees, twisted by years of violent winds, jut from the craggy mountainside. 
Dark clouds hang low and fierce while jagged streaks of lightening slash across an
angry sky. The picture is one of violence, chaos and rage.
But as one looks closely, something else becomes visible. There in one of the
crevices of the rocky mountain, tucked back just out of reach of the wind and
rain -- a nest with two small birds. Apparently unconcerned about the impending
storm, they appear calm, cozy and peaceful as they patiently wait for the
turbulence to pass.
And isn't that the way it so often is?
We may want to be surrounded by peace, but storms rage. Problems and 
pressures without threaten to steal peace of mind within.
The answer is imperturbability: inner peace which doesn't leave when circumstances
change. It's a peace which is greater than the problems of life, built on assurance
that the tempest will finally pass, we will survive the storm, we may grow stronger
because of it and, in the meantime, we will not endure it alone.
Imperturbability -- it's the result of a peace which passes understanding. 
For serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amidst the storm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"
"No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, 
           because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dead Horse / Modern Business
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation
to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to
be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried
with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Changing the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donating the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting
              its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Doing a time management study to see if the lighter riders would
              improve productivity.
16. Purchasing an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declaring that a dead horse has lower overhead 
              and therefore performs better.
18. Forming a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards.
              These are actual comments left by hikers.
Trail needs to be reconstructed.  Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs.
              Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to
wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. 
              Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles.
             Is there a way I can get reimbursed?  Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet
              so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread,
                 leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, 
and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up
behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the
oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Hammetts were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Hammett made it
clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas 
or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Hammett turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more 
considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so 
critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her
privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, never looking through his wife's dresser 
drawers, and the good wife was never openly critical of her husband's sermons. 
Their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary
of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.
That evening, as they were putting their anniversary gifts away, the preacher saw
that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could
to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. 
There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations.
He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.
"Oh," she said. "Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate 
with each other all those years ago?"
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered, "Yes."
"Well," she continued, "I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but
every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer."
The preacher smiled. "Well, that's not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 
eggs! But what about all that money?"
His wife quietly responded, "Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes from the 1950's..............
"I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be
        impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
        It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
"The post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1,
        nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
          50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay 
          groomed. Soon boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark 
         Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems 
           every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a 
             year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
              making more than the President."
"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
"Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women
              to wear slacks to their service?"
"Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our
              income in taxes. Are we electing the best people to Congress?"
"Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she 
   going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt
          they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to New York or Chicago anymore for a weekend. 
          It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine,
            but nothing will ever replace trains."
"I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, 
            I'll just have to drink mine at home."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
            I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
"We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 
            50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

25 Secrets of Endless Love
1.   We remember the moments in life, not the days.
2.   Face-to-face conversations don't work by phone.
3.   Gifts are not a substitute for caring.
4.   People are not yo-yos. Drop them, and they may not return.
5.   When kids are ready to talk, be ready to listen.
6.   An ounce of love outweighs a pound of promises.
7.   You can prepare your children for life, but you can't live it for them.
8.   Uncles and aunts are the parents who didn't give birth to you.
9.   A strong marriage is the union of two staunch individualists.
10.  Turning your back and walking away ends more than just a conversation.
11.  Marrying for money is a high price to pay.
12.  Yell at your children and get the same in return.
13.  If you take things for granted, you won't have them for very long.
14.  Caring should be demonstrated 365 days a year, not just on holidays.
15.  A well-fed child can still be starved for affection.
16.  The most important things a child can inherit are fond memories.
17.  Sharing an hour of memories with an elder is often better than
                 a week's worth of medicine.
18.  The two greatest time savers are saying, "I don't know" and "I was wrong."
19.  Watch your children grow, and they will teach you what you've taught them.
20.  Never go to bed before settling an argument.
21.  There's a difference between nurturing your children and smothering them.
22.  Relationships are built on the little things.
23.  If we give our children everything, we deprive them of aspirations.
24.  Celebrate holidays as a family.
25.  Never stop courting your spouse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the 
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were 
reprimanded but they're funny!!! 
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom 
               and has started to dig. 
2. I would not allow this student to breed. 
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 
5. Your son sets low personal standards 
               and then consistently fails to achieve them. 
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing
              to hold it all together. 
7. This child has been working with glue too much. 
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
              beat out 1,000,000 others. 
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day
I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her name was, "Always".
What is a free gift?   Aren't all gifts free?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I 
watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it,
though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes
hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after
hypothermia has set in.  Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy 
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things,
but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." 
We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you
this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, 
like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or
"Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking
it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should 
stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck 
could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer
is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come
visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's day is ok, I don't needto see it. Did you 
remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have 
to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the
one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it 
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and 
no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. 
What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or
The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about
how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, 
or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were 
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt
or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the
housework.  You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terrorists In The South
The governors of Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and
Tennessee announced they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. 
Apparently, a small number of terrorists have become romantically involved 
with the locals. The result is not pretty, and we now have the sad task of
reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS. So far, only a 
smattering of actual births have been reported, and we are hard at work trying
to isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified the following:
Mohammed Billy Bob Ahbubba,
Mohammed Jethro bin Thinkin Boutdat Abbubba, 
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Ahbubba,
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Ahbubba, 
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat,
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl, 
Linda Kay bin Theredundat.
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma bin Lovin.
We'll keep you posted on further developments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New words to song .... MY FAVORITE THINGS
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting 
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings 
Bundles of magazines tied up in string 
These are a few of my favorite things. 
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses 
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses 
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings 
These are a few of my favorite things. 
When the pipes leak 
When the bones creak 
When the knees go bad 
I simply remember my favorite things 
And then I don’t feel so bad. 
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions 
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions 
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring 
These are a few of my favorite things. 
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’ 
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin’ 
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames 
When we remember our favorite things. 
When the joints ache, when the hips break 
When the eyes grow dim 
Then I remember the great life I’ve had 
And then I don’t feel so bad. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and,
although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one  day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him
"very quick."The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on
the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: No, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: No, she white.
LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?
POLE: She going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and  put on shelf in bathroom. 
            I can read - it said "Polish Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Letter from The President to a Liberal
Dear Liberal: 
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and 
El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. 
As part of the Administration's Liberal Empathy Training Program, you'll be 
pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee 
under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your 
personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the 
standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be 
necessary that you hire your own caretakers. 
We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your 
detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed. 
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do 
not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative, 
although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely 
remedied. 
Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised 
efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling 
and home schooling. 
He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human 
life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that 
you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party. He 
also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household 
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that 
it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your maid's daily routine. 
Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage, "Does 
not play well with others". 
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, 
assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should 
help with your water bill. 
Be assured your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but is 
especially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted. 
You take good care of our detainee now. 
George W. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Useless facts and information
The average adult male shaves off 1 lb of beard per year.
A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat
                   evaporates before a person realizes it's there though!
Men get hiccups more often than women do.
54% of Americans fold toilet paper neatly. 35% wad it. What about the other 11%?
Nearly all boys grow at least as tall as their mothers.
55,700 people in the US are injured by jewelry each year.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.
On average, people spend more than five years of their lives dreaming.
In the course of a lifetime the average person will grow 2 meters of nose hair.
The average American makes six trips to the bathroom every day; that's
                     about 2 1/2 years of your life down the drain.
The average American spends six months at red lights throughout his or her life.
By age of 75, the average American has created about 110,000 pounds of garbage.
Thirty-five percent of the people using personal ads for dating are already married.
More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
On average, humans have 9,000 taste buds in their mouths, tongues, and throats.
The average person will swallow 295 times while eating.
In your lifetime your body will produce more than 25,000 quarts of saliva.
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made
                  for right handed people.
The average American eats at McDonalds 1,811 times in their life.
On male shirts the buttons are on the right side, on female shirts the left side.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
The average person laughs 13 times a day.
In an average lifetime a person will walk the equivalent of three times
                around the world.
In one day an average person will take about 18,000 steps.
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!
Most people take an average of seven minutes to fall asleep.
Official studies have found that right handed people tend to scratch
                 with their left hand and visa-versa.
When asked to name a color, 3 out of 5 people will say red.
The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stock Market Alert - VERY IMPORTANT....must read now---
I just received this from my broker. I don't normally pass on stock tips,
but thought this explosive situation might prove to be another "Enron". 
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks.  
American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Co., Northern Tissue Co.
Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your
American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.  You may be 
interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, 
and millions were wiped clean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You can go anywhere and find these labels on products.  Go figure.
On a Sear's hairdryer:  Do not use while sleeping.
              (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:  You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary. 
              Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:  "Directions: Use like regular soap."
              (and that would be how???.)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:  "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
              (but it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):  "Do not turn upside down."
               (well,duh, a bit late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:  "Product will be hot after heating."
                (And you thought????.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  "Do not iron clothes on body."
                 (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:  "Do not drive a car or operate machinery 
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction 
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:  "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
                 (and... I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights:  "For indoor or outdoor use only."
                 (as opposed to... what?)
On a Japanese food processor:  "Not to be used for the other use."
                 (now somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On a can of Peanuts:  "Warning: contains nuts."    (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
                  (Step 3: maybe, uh, fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume:  "Wearing of this garment does not enable
           you to fly." (I don't blame the company.  I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:  "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
            genitals." (Oh, my God.  Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first
place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a 
perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the
way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: 
Women never listen, either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~