After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and
a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the 
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. 
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she
heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild 
raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word 
processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was
fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. 
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone 
could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and 
quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him
wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, 
"What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights."
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, 
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'I' and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank God for Children Saying Grace... 
Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked 
if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. 
God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more
if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!" 
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a 
woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today
don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" 
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me,"Did I do it 
wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done 
a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman
approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I
happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." 
"Really?" my son asked. 
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper he 
added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), 
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good
for the soul sometimes." 
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. 
My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember 
the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, 
walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he
told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; 
and my soul is good already." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
artwork.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment 
"Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.
It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me
catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying 
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown 
up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or That's Michael.
He's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
Teacher. She's dead".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood 
on my head, the blood, as you know would run into it, and I would
turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the
mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.  
The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, 
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby 
growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 
"What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The mind of a six-year old is wonderful. 
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story 
of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part 
of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the 
farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up 
to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky 
is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?" 
One little girl raised her hand and said, 
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" 
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER! 
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! 
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! 
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". 
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.         
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. 
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. 
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. 
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. 
When you lose your car keys, click on "find". 
"Help" with the chores is just a click away. 
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash. 
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. 
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". 
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. 
To undo a mistake, click on "back". 
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update". 
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of  Life really are....
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
      should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship 
       "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
          It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
         "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from
            now? How about one month? One week? One day?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a 
             bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person 
              was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
And finally... Be really nice to your friends.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FINALLY! Our First Blonde GUY Joke ... and well worth the wait! 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on 
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."  
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."   
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage and jumped to his death. 
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.   
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd  known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it 
to him again!"  
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or  
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." 
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. 
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age and weight.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you
     really need a grouch, there are probably family members that
     fill that need.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
         whatever. Just never let the brain idle.
4.  Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that 
        you can  afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can
        afford. When they are  grown, and you are on retirement, that
          is all that you can afford!
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so 
      much  that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who
            is with  us our entire life, is ourselves.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets,
     keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8.  Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
        If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9.  Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country,
          but not guilt.
10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.
        Remember, Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
        but by the  moments that take our breath away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOMAN DRIVERS (are a hazard to traffic!!!)
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the
donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, 
it knocked my cellphone away from my other ear which fell into
the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT CALL!!!
DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women's language ------  This is for females to read and enjoy,
               and for males to learn how females communicate.
"FINE"
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are 
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a 
woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your 
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel 
that it's an even trade.
"NOTHING"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually 
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, 
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that 
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"GO AHEAD" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care. " You 
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by 
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" 
when she cools off.
"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very 
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at 
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and 
arguing with you over "Nothing."
"SOFT SIGH:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few 
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is 
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man." That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine and used in conjunction with a raised 
eyebrow "GoAhead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted 
and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance 
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in 
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you 
"Nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has 30 years done for you?
1970: LONG HAIR
2000: LONGING FOR HAIR
1970: THE PERFECT HIGH
2000: THE PERFECT HIGH YIELD MUTUAL FUND
1970: ACID ROCK
2000: ACID REFLUX
1970: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S COOL
2000: MOVING TO CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S WARM
1970: GROWING POT
2000: GROWING POT BELLY
1970: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT 
           WITH YOUR PARENTS
2000: WATCHING JOHN GLENN'S HISTORIC SPACE FLIGHT 
           WITH YOUR CHILDREN
1970: TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO 
            OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR
2000: TRYING NOT TO LOOK LIKE MARLON BRANDO 
            OR ELIZABETH TAYLOR
1970: SEEDS AND STEMS
2000: ROUGHAGE
1970: THE US PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDEL
2000: THE US PRESIDENT'S STRUGGLE WITH FIDELITY
1970: GETTING OUT TO A NEW HIP JOINT
2000: GETTING A NEW HIP JOINT
1970: ROLLNG STONES
2000: KIDNEY STONES
1970: BEING CALLED TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
2000: CALLING THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
1970: SCREW THE SYSTEM
2000: UPGRADE THE SYSTEM
1970: PEACE SIGN
2000: MERCEDES LOGO
1970: PARENTS BEG YOU TO GET A HAIRCUT
2000: CHILDREN BEG YOU TO GET THEIR HEADS SHAVED
1970: PASSING THE DRIVERS TEST
2000: PASSING THE VISION TEST
1970: "WHATEVER"
2000: "DEPENDS"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
          green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman 
          would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
         that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
        with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those 
         extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
          have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
       brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
    into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
     in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known
as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical.
It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
       for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
         at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
           logical thing.  He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will
           reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go
           that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.  
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had   
         happened to Sister Logical. When Sister Logical arrived, breathless 
           and flushed.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell
           me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't
           follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as
             I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can
            run much faster than a man with his pants down.......
(And you thought it would be dirty!
         Say two 'Hail Marys.....and clean up your act!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We are the people our parents warned us about."      Jimmy Buffett
 
"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing 
to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover."    Parish Magazine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Know your people .................
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first 
witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. 
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 
She responded, "Why, yes, I do  know you Mr. Williams. I've known you 
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven't 
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a 
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do 
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the 
defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, 
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law 
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his 
wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was
also surprised and shocked. 
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both 
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If 
either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 
If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. 
               I just wish He didn't  trust me so much. 
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. 
              You grow old because you stop laughing. 
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 
We cannot change the direction of the wind...but we can adjust our sails. 
Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again? 
When life gives you scraps, make quilts. 
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. 
Regular naps prevent old age...especially if you take them while driving. 
I have learned there is little difference in husbands, 
                               you might as well keep the first. 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dirtbag's. 
Travel is very educational.
             I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. 
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
                      That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. 
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. 
         There I was ... surrounded by trees and shrubs. 
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal 
       probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last call
A police patrol car routinely parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.  
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated 
that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few 
minutes, with the officer quietly observing. 
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, 
the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few 
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. 
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry 
night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched 
on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little 
and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. 
At last, being the last car out of the parking lot, he pulled out and started 
to drive slowly down the road.  The police officer, having patiently waited 
all this time, now put the patrol car in gear, put on the flashing lights, 
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. 
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having 
consumed alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask 
you to accompany me back to the police station. This equipment must 
be broken." 
"I doubt it," said the man.  "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW LABELING REQUIREMENTS...
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor 
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning 
labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
                       hell happened to your bra. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
                       whispering when you are not. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
                        like a retard. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends 
                        over and over again that you love them. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers 
                     are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically 
                      converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical 
                     Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the 
                     morning and see something really scary. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug 
                     burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are 
                       tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are 
                       invisible or worse, bulletproof. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are 
                        laughing WITH you. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
                         time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may 
                            seem to literally disappear. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the number one factor
                           in having a coyote date. 
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may 
                              Mack you think you can tipe real gode. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight 
safety lecture," and their other announcements, a bit more entertaining. 
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an 
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please 
contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of 
the airplane." 

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the 
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." 

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to 
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but 
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and 
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope 
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a 
ride." 

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of 
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the 
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft 
is equipped with a video surveillance system 
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in 
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate 
will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft. 

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising 
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to 
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the 
rest of the flight." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone 
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead 
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting 
children or adults acting like children." 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. 
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. 
Please do not leave children or spouses." 

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...! 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake 
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the 
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it 
wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" 

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a 
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was 
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight 
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while 
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask 
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight 
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening 
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that. I'm sure that 
everything has shifted." 

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, 
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know 
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. 
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from 
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If 
you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, 
decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 
degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before 
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines." 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his 
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required 
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, 
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of 
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, 
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had 
gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said, 
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" 
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did 
we land or were we shot down?" 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on 
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash 
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the 
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are 
silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage 
to the terminal. 

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you 
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge 
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll 
think of us here at USAirways." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting Information!
CNN Headline News did a short news listing regarding Ford and GM's 
contributions to the relief and recovery efforts in New York and Washington. 
The findings are as follows......
1. Ford- $1 million to American Red Cross matching employee contributions
     of the same number plus 10 Excursions to NY Fire Dept. The company also 
      offered ER response team services and office space to displaced 
       government employees.
2. GM- $1 million to American Red Cross matching employee contributions
 of the same number and a fleet of vans, suv's and trucks.
3. Daimler Chrysler- $10 million to support of the children and victims of the 
      Sept. 11 attack.
4. Harley Davidson motorcycles- $1 million and 30 new motorcycles
           to the New York Police Dept.
5. Volkswagen- Employees and management created a Sept. 11 Foundation, 
         funded initial with $2 million, for the assistance of the children and 
         victims of the WTC
6. Hyundai- $300,000 to the American Red Cross.
7. Audi- Nothing.
8. BMW- Nothing
9. Daewoo-Nothing
10. Fiat- Nothing.
11. Honda- Nothing despite boasting of second best sales month ever in August 2001
12. Isuzu- Nothing.
13. Mitsubishi- Nothing.
14. Nissan- Nothing.
15. Porsche- Nothing. Press release with condolences via the Porsche website.
16. Subaru- Nothing.
17. Suzuki- Nothing.
18. Toyota- Nothing despite claims of high sales in July and August 2001. 
       Condolences posted on the website
Whenever the time may be for you to purchase or lease a new vehicle, keep this
information in mind. I ask that you choose a product made by an American-owned 
and based company. Apart from Hyundai and Volkswagen, the foreign car 
companies contributed nothing at all to the citizens of the United States. 
It's OK for these companies to take money out of this country,
but not acceptable to return some in a time of crisis.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets
killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the
boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke
her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. 
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down
 that drainpipe!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM TREES
It's important to have roots.
In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
Don't pine away over old flames.
If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
Grow where you're planted.
It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
If the party gets boring or dangerous, just leaf.
You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
It's more important to be honest than poplar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Dog Cross Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer,
                                                a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = 
                            Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound =  Newfound Asset Hound,
 			 a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by.......
                                     oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu = Oh, never mind....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Positive Side of Life 
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include
                  a free trip around the sun every year. 
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. 
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier 
                              than the people who have to wait for them? 
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? 
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
                                    also be the world to one person. 
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. 
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, 
          some are dull, some have weird names, and all are
         different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box. 
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 
Have an awesome day, and know that someone 
               who thinks you're great has thought about you today.
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will
         leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, 
			it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; 
		small minds discuss people.
He who loses money, loses much; he, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
		but beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough
		 to make them all yourself.
Friends, you and me - you brought another friend - and then there were 3.
We started our group - our circle of friends - and like that circle - there
		is no beginning, nor an end.
Yesterday is history - tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Academic Phrases and Meanings. The following list of phrases and their
definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science 
and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone 
working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"...  I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident"...  These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"
            ... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"
            ...  The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"...  This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"
            ...  I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"...  once 
"In case after case"...  twice 
"In a series of cases"...  thrice 
"It is believed that"...  I think.
"It is generally believed that"...  A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"...  Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"...  Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"
               ...  A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data"...  Three pages of notes were
                 obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete 
           understanding of this phenomenon occurs"...  I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"
              ...  They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to
            Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"...  Mr. Blotz did the work
              and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"
            ...  A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"
               ...  I quit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go
out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go
out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid
of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you
and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure
he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you
when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back
door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called,
"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly Irish gentleman named John Shawnessey is lying on his death bed,
awaiting the end. He smells the aroma of chocolate-chip cookies--his favorite. 
He decides that, if he must die, he is going to die with the taste of
chocolate-chip cookies in his mouth. He slowly and painfully drags himself
from his bed. With tremondous effort, he crawls down the stairs and into the
kitchen, following the delicious aroma. He enters the kitchen, and spies a plate
of chocolate chip cookies on top of the refrigerator. 
Summoning the last of his strength, he claws his way up the side of the fridge 
and takes a cookie. Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, his wife appears 
and whacks him over the head with a spoon. "Get away from those cookies, 
John Shawnessey!" cries his wife. "Those are for the funeral!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SENIOR CITIZENS
Senior citizens are continually being criticized for every conceivable 
deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.
We know and we take responsibility for all we have done and do not
blame others. But, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it 
was NOT the seniors who took:
The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, 
The romance out of love, The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers, The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or The ambition out of achievement.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance
from personal relationships and interactions with others!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

POLICE 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was 
interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at  my 
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing  the report. 
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" 
"Yes, that's right," I told her. 
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
"would you please tie my shoe?" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
POLICE # 2 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw 
a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. 
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ELDERLY 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, 
I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was 
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the 
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of 
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable 
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
DRESS-UP 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her 
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." 
"And why not, darling?" 
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
DEATH 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard 
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that 
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton 
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. 
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with 
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always 
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn . ......and into
 the hole he gooooes." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
SCHOOL 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting 
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and
they won't let me talk!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
BIBLE 
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered 
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked 
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been 
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called 
out. "What have you got there, dear?" 
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
it's Adam's underwear!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
	the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, 
		and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door
		is when you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, 
		he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, 
		why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
            I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter
NINETEEN- I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE POSTED 
                          THIS BEFORE OR NOT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poof!!! One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon
a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but
had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost 
drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me
the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after
almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and
the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof!  God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH 
AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,
approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street "Hey, Buddy, can you
spare two dollars?" The well dressed gentleman responds: "You are not 
going to spend it on liquor are you?"  "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" 
asks the gentleman "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum "
You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" 
asks the man  "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf"
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home
cooked meal The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's 
house, the bum's curiosity gets the  better of him "Isn't your wife going to be
angry when she sees a guy like  me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it I want her to see
what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something;
The bartender is blonde. The bouncer is blonde.
I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde, she is a weightlifter, and
The lady to your right is a blonde and a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editors note.... This one in NOT humor, really a sad note!
KUWAITI WOMEN MAKE SIGNIFICENT ADVANCES
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War  She noted then that women customarily walked
about nine feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
many yards behind their wives.  Ms. Walters approached one of the women
and asked, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what let
women here achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's that time again! The Darwin awards this year are classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of)
that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done
the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead
at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3a.m., the 
Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently 
had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam 
protectors from lift towers, said Lt.Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes 
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the 
tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly 
in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a 
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly 
when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22
bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his
mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to 
explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his
lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition 
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at 
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing 
something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)
in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head,
but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow
gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut 
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went 
through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his
skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw 
also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely 
would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his 
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb 
about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district 
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier
than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the
other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along
with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes
below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed
his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a 
holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his 
pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in 
considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and pull him to safety by
tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However,
in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through 
the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the 
crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at 
the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found 
John's body under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 
25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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Top Eight Morons of 2001
1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked 
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. 
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a 
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear 
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced 
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kan., Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store
clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.
5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just 
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her 
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. In Modesto, Calif., Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a 
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east 
of Bakersfield, Calif., some folks, new to boating, we re having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat 
going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much 
power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to
a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. 
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. 
The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. 
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all 
summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The
grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all
summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the 
summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press 
conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, PBS, CNN, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the 
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a 
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody 
cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the 
news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome".  Jesse then has
the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act",
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill 
appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's 
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now 
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.
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Presidential Facts
You may have heard a lot of this before, but it's amazing 
what one little pretzel can remind one of....
What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end?
Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)
2000: ?????????????????????????????
And to think that we had 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the
one elected in 2000!
Have a history teacher explain this ---- If they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called* 'Lincoln' made by Ford.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
 
Little Old Lady--
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My passed gas never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20
times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing
because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
the hell you gave me, but now my passed gas, although still silent,
stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."
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Silly Questions: Questions And Answers
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than
                     improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
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Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Suport Department:
1. Don't write anything down. Ever.
        We can play back the error messages from here.
2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
         It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
      buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, 
      dried flowers,bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, 
       and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping
       you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your
       mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. 
       We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete
      it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and 
        spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask  him a computer
             question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out
            those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags
             it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual 
        greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message 
        and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the
        director because no one ever returned your call. 
        You're entitled to common courtesy.
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. 
         There's electronics in it.
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, 
          call computer support. We can fix your line from here.
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, 
               call computer support. We're collectors.
14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
       person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description 
        of the problem. We love a puzzle.
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard
        the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.
16. When an I.T. person tells you that computer monitors don't have
         cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete 
        everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then
        you reboot and it looks okay, don't call I.T. support. We'd much
          rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.
19. When you have an I.T. person on the phone walking you through changing
           a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you  to do
           anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
20. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing
           tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
          That'll get us going.
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