IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLD
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this dear old lady sitting
on a park bench near J. C. Penny and she was sobbing her
eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He  makes love 
to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes,
sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my
favorite brownies  and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my  favorite desert and then makes love to me until  2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast,
and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to
tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately
rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started
to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and
nce more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was
adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here?
Are they treating you alright?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me pass any gas"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2001 DARWIN AWARDS
It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards
are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual,
who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead
at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends
apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some 
yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.Mike Donnelly
of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined
the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a 
St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo
grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. 
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat 
where it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when
it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 
bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting
cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew 
off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said
Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a
battery and was trying to explode it."
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."
He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and
his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a 
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't
imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will
be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right
eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, 
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid 
Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend
tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered 
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimetre
to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts 
would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw 
at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 
8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull,
yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.  Delashaw 
also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own 
he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER.
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George, Washington amphitheatre. Having no tickets
(but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be
easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was 
for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins)
to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for
(the late) Mr. Pernicky,  there was a 30-foot drop on the other side 
of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with
his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. 
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down 
and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree.  Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without
the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his 
thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, 
threw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find 
the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck
and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving
the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts 
dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
and thank you for cleaning the gene pool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is for a WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH 
            AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he 
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one
at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very
risky but it is the only hope. You will have to pay for the brain
yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, 
and $200 for a female brain." 
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. 
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
down the price of the female brains,because they've actually been used."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This could make for an interesting situation. . . . . .
A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco 
to LA. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along 
the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be 
a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, 
the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. 
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who 
was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by 
and could tell the blind man had flown before because 
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in 
front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith 
could also tell he had flown this very flight before 
because the pilot approached him, and calling him by 
name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an 
hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to 
stretch his legs." 
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to 
a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and 
saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye 
dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. 
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, 
they were trying to change airlines! 

Editor's note .......... Please remember, this is a joke
and not to be taken as the truth ........ but I wonder ........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senior Personal Ads 
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, 
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just
buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a
six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. 
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, 
yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking
a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and 
caramel candy. 
BEATLES OR STONES?  I still like to rock, still like to cruise
in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. 
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get 
together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. 
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our
two heads together. 
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, 
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Doesn't run, but walks well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TWO DROPS OF WATER...
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and 
asks for a scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise
to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with
two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like
to buy you one too.
Again, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch 
with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink
he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with 
only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've
learned how to hold your liquor. 
Water, however, is a whole other issue."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

In Praise of Mature Women
For those of you who aren't "older," you will be someday!
Here's what Rooney says about exquisite, mature women...
Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value older women 
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night
to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in 
who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might
think about her.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful
relationships" and "commitment". The last thing she needs in
her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover.
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match
with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if 
they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and 
are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her
women friends. 
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. 
Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess 
your sins to an older woman. They always know.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right 
off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. 
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed babe of 50 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow
pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us.
That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your
blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the
best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman
you've become, without the distraction of some demanding 
old man clinging and whining his way into your serenity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
STAYING YOUNG 
1.  Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight 
         and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
           That is why you pay him/her. 
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 
3.  Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, 
       whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's 
         workshop,"the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 
4.  Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all
       that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you
       can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can
        afford! 
5.  Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
         Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your 
           distinctive laughter. 
6.  The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only
        person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive
          while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the highway
           of death and just wait in residence for your mail. 
7.  Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family,
         pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
            Your home is your refuge. 
8.  Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, 
            improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 
9.  Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign 
            country, but not to guilt country. 
10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity. 
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - Life is not measured by the number
     of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
IN CONCLUSION...
          ............ This ain't me, or you, either, I'm sure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Australian fella walks into an Oban bar, stands by one of the 
locals and orders a drink.
"where ye frae pal?" asked the local
Aussie answers "from the best country in the world"
Scot: bloody funny accent you have for a Scot!

Angus left home on North Uist to work in Glasgow, a month 
later a package arrives for him.  Inside was a letter
"hello son, I have sent you a jumper I have kitted for you, to 
save money on the postage I have cut the buttons off.  
You will find them in the pocket, love mum". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M were given  the 
assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to 
the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling 
off the ladders, dropping the tape measures;
the whole thing is just a mess. 
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do,
walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat,
measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one 
of the blondes and walks away. 
After the engineer has gone, one blonde turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? 
We're looking for the height and he gives us the length." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking 
around with a fly swatter. 
"What are you doing?" She asked. 
"Hunting Flies" He responded. 
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. 
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. 
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Men! as seen by a woman
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
          we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
               heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
             nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
           some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and
           NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
         in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We probably never thought about, nor looked at the 23 rd Psalm
in this way, even though we've said it, or read it so many times.
The Lord is my Shepherd : That's Relationship!
I shall not want : That's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: That's rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters: That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul: That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness: That's Guidance!
For His name sake: That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of 
      death: That's Testing!
I will fear no evil: That's Protection!
For Thou art with me: That's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me: That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of
       mine enemies: That's Hope!
Thou annointest my head with oil: That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over :  That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the
       days of my life: That's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord: That's Security!
Forever: That's Eternity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's 
what I've discovered: 
1) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
2) My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 
3) I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 
4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 
5) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 
6) What were we talking about? 
7) It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 
8) Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 
9) I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 
10) Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 
11) Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 
12) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
13) The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
              you're in the bathroom. 
14) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them 
              on my knees. 
15) When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
               else decide to play chess? 
16) It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere! 
17) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
18) These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter..
        I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. 
19) If all is not lost, then where is it? 
20) Did I send this to you already? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who
was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days,
and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will 
take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.  They did spreadsheets.  They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.  They sent e-mail.  They sent out e-mail with 
attachments.  They downloaded.  They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.  They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and,
of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse
word known in the underworld.  Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them
restarted their computers.  Satan started searching frantically 
screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when
the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files
from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became
even more irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

(You'll love the punch line....)  God shrugged and said,
  "Jesus Saves."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A MEDIA BIAS ALLEGORY
Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in a Chicago park, 
when one is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking 
quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the 
dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to 
interview the boy. "Young Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Bears fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the
reporter, who starts writing again. "Bulls Fan Rescues Friend From
Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Bulls fan, either," the boy says.
"Oh, I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Bears or 
the Bulls. Which team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: 
"Little Punk From Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days
late with a video and these people are all over you. 
Let's put Blockbusterin charge of immigration."  -    JayLeno

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this - he's worth $300
million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans
for their 'excessive' lifestyle."  -      David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't
solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."  -    Jay Leno
 
This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it 
to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and 
oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against 
capitalism."  -   Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights
in a row, just like Clinton." -   JayLeno
 
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have
three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there,
she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."  -  Jay Leno
 
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers 
and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea
he was Catholic"  -   Conan O'Brien
            
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be
people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of
white powder."  -    Jay Leno
 
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or
packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going
to be terrible news for the rap industry."  -   Jay Leno
 
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the 
Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus
were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be
charging $2.99 a minute."   -   Jay Leno
 
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the
terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should
do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd
mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime
him to death with service charges."  -   Jay Leno
 
"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were 
exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before: 
The end zone." - Jay Leno
 
 "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today
Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
 
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full
military support. You know what that means: Both tanks." - Jay Leno
 
"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity
ever ... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually 
be elected."   --   Jay Leno...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob, a goober, heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So,
on his 21st birthday, Bob and his good friend Brian headed out to the
lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Bob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began
paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Bob stepped off of the
side of the boat ... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he
and Brian headed for home.
When Bob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for
an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Bob by the hands, looked into his eyes,
and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July, dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches
the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"
The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost
had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.
I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I
swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror,
the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kid called up his mum from college and asked her for some money. Mum
said, "Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your
calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send
that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah," responded the kid.
So Mum wrapped up the book along with the checks in a package, kissed
Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she returned, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this
time?"
Mum said, "Oh, I wrote him two checks: one for $20, and the other for
$1,000."
"That's $1,020!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry, hon," Mum said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his
book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when
one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose
that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't
lose it, so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and
the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able
to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among
the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay, too. You see, this special golf
ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the
sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you
going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent.
I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of
chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery
truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate."
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice
cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell
'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
"OK.  S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."
The man hesitates, then says, "There is no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear
a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde
and the bouncer is blonde.  I'm a 6' tall blonde, 200 lb black
belt. The guy sitting next to me is a blonde, 6' 2, weighs 225
and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5"
pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde.
Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid
of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever
had!  But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for
cookies, and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began
to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have
half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any,
she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only
two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man happened to be behind the pair in the checkout line, where the
little girl began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum
upon discovering her mother would not buy any gum. "Ellen, we'll be
through this checkout stand in five minutes, and then you can go home
and have a nice nap," the mother said.
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Ellen," he said.
The mother replied, "My little girl's name is Tammy. I'm Ellen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to
offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on
how to use it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men
in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a
tow chain will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them. Just
stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks,
you're better off trying to find it yourself.
5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural.  All
y'all's is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They
don't understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big
ol truck", or "big ol boy". "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go
to the store", is 2nd.  And "Y'all" is 3rd.
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern
folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper
speed and lane position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he
will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was
already turned on when the car was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth
cooking, let alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is
required at the local grocery store.  It does not matter if you
need anything from the store.  It is just something you're
supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you
purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house.
This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be
prominently displayed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be Careful Following The Crowd
A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling
with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the
front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of
the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him
in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the
missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the
missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the
missionary sits down. 
Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the
missionary stands up, too.
Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp.
The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he
sits down.
After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I
take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says.
The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a
new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Star Wars is better than Titanic
The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
Yoda could've used the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material. 
        Rose is just marriage bait.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a
       raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic 
       characters.  Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed
        amphibians to Admiral.
We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and
       treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the
      bad guy 'cause he strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?  *NOTE* Is
               this a scary premonition: Anakin DeCaprio?
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship,
             he would use the Force to get the key.
Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament.
            Leo simply freezes.
Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!
We knew the boat was gonna sink.  But who could've
              anticipated, "Luke....I am your father"?
Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters;
              everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by
         half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of
            himself at the Oscars.
Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your husband, 3) pose
         nude for pictures, 4) premarital sex is OK if you're
         infatuated, 5) let undesirables drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3) respect all
             life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4) rescue princess, 5)
               save planet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the
rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their
shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that.....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. 
"Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's 
been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it 
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, but ...
still be afraid of a spider!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.  This is an example of its symptoms:
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper
on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...BUT FIRST I'm going to
read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll
just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....BUT FIRST I'll look through
the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now
where is the checkbook? Oops. There's the empty glass from yesterday on
the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...BUT FIRST I need
to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window,
notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink
and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing
here? I'll just put it away...BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. 
I head for the door and...Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. 
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need
to feed the cat.
END OF DAY:
Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in
the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the
remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got
done today, I'm baffled because...
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this conditionis serious
...I'd get help...BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man witnesses a burglary and appears in court.
The defense lawyer asks him, 
"Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," the man says. "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer adds, "This happened at night. Are you sure 
you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes, I saw him do it," the man says.
The lawyer says, "You are 80 years old and your eyesight
probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
The man says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had
included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of applied electronics at an important government institution,
was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his
death came as a great shock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees
and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,
 "I guess you'd be eating alone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual Advertising Blunders
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again."
"Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, 
and smacks included."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
"Semi-Annual After-Christmas Sale."
"3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. 
Blue Cross and salary."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.
Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically
waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island,
and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your
tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called
G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and
Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and
pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can
get under the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch
 about his first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said 
       when I sat down beside her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in
hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a
fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we
build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not
enough time - the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a
way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the
Old Testament!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the 
employees who worked for him.
One day he came upon a young man who was expertly 
counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.
The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your
financial training, young man?"
"Yale," the man answered.
"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate
of higher learning.
"What's your name?" he asked.
And the man answered, "Yackson."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How (not) to speak English Properly
1.  Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5.  Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat)
6.  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7.  Be more or less specific.
8.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9.  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10.  No sentence fragments.
11.  Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13.  Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14.  One should NEVER generalize.
15.  Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17.  One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
18.  Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19.  The passive voice is to be ignored.
20.  Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
21.  Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22.  Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23.  Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth-shaking ideas.
24.  Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25.  If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.
26.  Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27.  Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28.  Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29.  Who needs rhetorical questions?
30.  Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31.  Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at
our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able
to read the sign with all the rules to his brother.
"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey
them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy
standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and
their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad
stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and
rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch.
When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them
at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in
following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the
printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on
the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward.
Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the
posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud
again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for
themselves.
My five year old answered immediately, "Don't be silly, Dad. No
one uses a slide rule anymore!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you
may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call
them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.  Indeed,
all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the
privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an
adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager
in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or
her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours
on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of
complete and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been
known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead
animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of
behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice
are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good
idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And
remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any
sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds,
they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort,
and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~