Show and Tell At the local private school, a teacher told her first-grade class that the next day's "show and tell" would be centered on things they regularly saw at their house of worship. The next morning, the first little boy stood up and said, "My name is Benjamin. I'm Jewish, and this is a Star of David." The next little boy stood up and said, "My name is Michael and I'm a Catholic. This is a crucifix." The next little boy stood up and said, "My name is Billy, I'm a Methodist and this is a casserole." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault. He who loses money, loses much; he, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Yesterday is history - tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy said. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. " How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately "Don't be silly, Dad. No one uses a slide rule anymore!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIX AGAIN A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be six again, she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonalds they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, Well, dear, what was it like being six again? One eye opened. You idiot, I meant my dress size. The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each year, the Washington Post asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE CARLIN'S BIG QUESTIONS: Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans? George Carlin Imponderables: 1. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 2. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist? 11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 13. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 14. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 15. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 16. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 17. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 18. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -- they're cramming for their final exam. 20. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 21. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail. 22. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 23. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Billy was so excited about his first day of school that a few minutes after class started, he realized he had to go to the bathroom. He raised his hand and asked if he could be excused. The teacher gave her approval, but asked that he please be quick. A few minutes later, Billy returned to class looking embarrassed and desperate. "I can't find it," he told the teacher. The teacher sat Billy down, drew him a diagram to show where to go and asked if he thought he would be able to find it now. He looked at the diagram and told the teacher yes. Five minutes later, Billy returned and said, "I still can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had attended the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom. Some minutes later, they both returned and sat in their seats. The teacher asked Tommy, "Did you find it?" Tommy was quick to reply, "Sure, he just had his boxers on backwards." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Saw this in our church paper and thought it was really cute. IF...... If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can always resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can always eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can always understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can always overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can always take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can always face the world without lies and deceit, THEN..............you are probably the family dog!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW MANY CHURCH PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? Charismatics - Only one. Hands already in the air. Roman Catholics - None. They use candles. Pentecostals - Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians - None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians - Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons - Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians - We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Baptists or Methodists- At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole. Lutherans - None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Quakers - We're still waiting for someone to be moved to speak on the topic. Jews - A committee will evaluate the gentile consultant proposals for changing the light bulb, and determine the appropriate number based on the lowest bid. Christian Scientists - They're giving the light bulb the opportunity to heal itself through God's will, let's wait and see... Disciples of Christ - 250 to canvass the community to come to the revival meeting to raise money to replace the light bulb. Scientologists - one person with the overwhelming mental power and will to get the job done, as a function of higher mental power, having been freed from earlier illusions about light bulb replacement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ever wonder about the abbreviation A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way. "There's work to do, deadlines to meet; You've got no time to spare, But as you hurry and scurry- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER In the midst of family chaos, "Quality time" is rare. Do your best; let God do the rest- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER It may seem like our worries, Are more than you can bare. Slow down and take a breather- ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER God knows how stressful life is; He wants to ease our cares, And He'll respond A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virus Warning If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do Not open it. This one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms our ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING !!! It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up & leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ******* And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send to everyone ..... In case you are a blonde, this is a joke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Case You Are Traveling... English has become the language of commerce practically everywhere, but sometimes it's difficult to translate one's native language. Here are some signs and notices seen at various places around the world. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. Hotel notice, Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTIS. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. In a Leipzig elevator: DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP. Hotel elevator, Belgrade: TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR. DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Athens: VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND 11 AM DAILY. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. Dry cleaning shop, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. Outside a dress shop, Paris: DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS. Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION. From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. In a Tokyo shop: OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE LONG RUN. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: ENGLISH WELL TALKING HERE SPEECHING AMERICAN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Feelings are everywhere - be gentle. J.Masai "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau "Men who never get carried away should be." -- Malcolm Forbes "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." -- Groucho Marx FOR PARENTS ONLY..."Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours." - Dennis Miller "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with the wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield "We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet." - Rita Rudner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments! And you thought your day was not going well? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation" Same words, but a different meaning ? Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jay Leno Says "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." "The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." "I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." "There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." The US government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." "More and more details coming out now about what a spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden was. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Born before all this... Read this in it's entirety, I think you will be as amazed, as I was, when you get to the end !! One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. he asked what grandpa thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. His final question was: "How old are you, Gramps?" The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ... I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill." "There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon." "Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Most families had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'" "Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors." "We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy." "Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions." "Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins." "Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started." "Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums." "We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey." "If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam." "Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents." "Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickelon enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards." "You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon." "In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby." "'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word." "And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby." "No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap and how old do you think I am - ????" ...... This man would be only 59 years old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A clean house is the sign of a broken computer" When we come to the last moment of this lifetime, and we look back across it, the only thing that's going to matter is "What was the quality of our love?" Richard Bach Lord, take me where You want me to go; Let me meet who You want me to meet; Tell me what You want me to say, and Keep me out of Your way. - Mychal Judge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side" Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSAIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please? GEORGE W. BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHERE'S THE PORRIDGE? It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from the last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time......... I haven't made the damn porridge yet!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRAINED TO SHARE A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson... "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I AM THANKFUL FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING TV, BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE STREETS. FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED. FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I, AM IN THE SUNSHINE. FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM. FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR. FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY....... FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN and damn proud of it - I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin and antacid. I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories.....over - - - and over -- - and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, Medicare, dental care. I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds or politicians. I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like........ I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S and AARP. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to it. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's. SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love, "and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Money It can buy a House...............But not a Home. It can buy a Bed...............But not Sleep. It can buy a Clock..............But not Time. It can buy you a Book............But not Knowledge. It can buy you a Position...........But no Respect. It can buy you Medicine................But not Health. It can buy you Blood...........But not Life. It can buy you Sex............But not Love. So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering............ I can tell you this because I am your friend and as a friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money.............. And I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones didn't you??????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow True Christianity is love in action. ..... David McKay The Christian is not one who has gone all the way with Christ. None of us has. The Christian is one who has found the right road. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Think "Out of the Box" ..... Just a little food for thought You are driving along on a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man(or)woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? (think "out of the box"). Answer below ......... near the end of this issue. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" The foreman answered, "Insanity." The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comprehending Engineers - Take One Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ***************************** Comprehending Engineers - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ******************************* Comprehending Engineers-Take Three A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! 'The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the Greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ******************************* Comprehending Engineers-Take Four There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.00 Knowing where to put it $49,999.00. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Five What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven "Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." ----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle ***************************** Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Computer Credit Card Processing Fiasco In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00. Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Computers Sometime Crash by Dr. Seuss Tech Speak made easy Read Out Loud If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Well, that certainly clears things up for me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations (think "out of the box"). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things that tell you that you live in the 21st Century 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic, and you turn around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. 15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your email on your way back to bed. 23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 24. You're reading this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~