You never know when a little conversational Latin might come in handy. Toward that end I've dug up a few Latin phrases for you to familiarize yourself with... Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? Neutiquam erro. I am not lost. Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kitchen Signs You have all seen those little hand-painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones: A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. Housework done properly can kill you. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines. The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it. There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Excuses, excuses Thefollowing is a list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque public school system by parents of students. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. John has been absent because he had to have two teeth taken off his face. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ High School Diploma It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts, "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!" The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Jon thought long and hard and then said, "Ten." At that the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have a sister 24 years my junior. One day, I was going to the store, and Thea wanted to go with me. I told her she could go, but she had to put on her shoes. Being only 4 years old, she said, "OK, but will you tie them for me?" "Sure," I replied with a big brother smile. She bolted into the next room to put on her shoes, returning with a big smile and the shoes on the wrong feet. Looking at her shoes, I smiled and said, "Thea, your shoes are on the wrong feet." She looked down, then looked back up at me with a very sad face and replied, "These are the only feet I have." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Out Of This World Bait My daughter-in-law Alma and grandson Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother. "No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When my son was around nine, we had a very wet spring causing several of his baseball games to be cancelled or postponed. Finally a make-up game was scheduled for one of the games. I told my six year old daughter that if she had any homework that day she needed to be sure to complete it during aftercare at school because her brother had a make-up game. That night since it was still too wet for her to play, see moved from lap to lap. While she was in my lap, she looked at her brother's dug-out and then she looked at the other dug-out. She turned to me and asked, "Are we wearing make-up or is the other team?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have been teaching patriotic songs to my children over the past few weeks. In a moment of inspiration, my 5 year old daughter belted out, "O beautiful, our spaceship guys..." When my daughter came home from the first day of second grade, she had a complaint. "Mom, my shoes are too tight," she said. "They're cutting off my calculation." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sorry I'm Late, Mom* Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan, and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, OK?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!" When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife and I had taken our two children to a popular children's movie and the theatre was filling up. Just before the movie started, another family with small children came in and the only remaining seats were in the very front row. As the father was coaxing his children to walk across the row to sit down, a now quiet and dark theatre heard one child plainly say, "But Dad, we can't sit in front. What about the air bags?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you were wrong. Hi Dan!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual Headlines ~ March Planned For Next August ~ Blind Bishop Appointed To See ~ Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip ~ L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide ~ Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through ~ Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. ~ Diaper Market Bottoms Out ~ Croupiers On Strike; Management Says: "No Big Deal" ~ Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest ~ Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped ~ Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters ~ Teacher Strikes Idle Kids ~ Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice ~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ~ Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin ~ Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years ~ Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man ~ Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy ~ 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar ~ War Dims Hope For Peace ~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While ~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ~ Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation ~ Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years ~ Man is Fatally Slain ~ Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation ~ Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence ~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ~ Police Discover Crack in Australia ~ Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan ~ Collegians are Turning to Vegetables ~ Scientists to Have Ford's Ear ~ Hershey Bars Protest ~ County Officials to Talk Rubbish ~ Carter Plans Swell Deficit ~ Caribbean Islands Drift to Left ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stories from Travel Agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. -- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" -- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make HER look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response; . . . click. -- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." -- I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." -- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." -- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! -- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them. -- A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." -- A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." -- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" shouted the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven' ... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are only two kinds of drivers: Idiots and Maniacs. Idiots include anyone that drives slower than me, and the Maniacs are everyone that drives faster than me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things you should never say to a pregnant woman (from a father of four): "Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!" "No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming." "Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long." "What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!" "So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?" "Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..." "Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!" "Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital." "Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?" "Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes." "But why can't you trim your own toe nails?" ..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after taking a bath. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager replies, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is................." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing. He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice. The next year we returned to Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year I can read better!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Following are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Who can argue with the wit and wisdom of our fore fathers, or even our five fathers? Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Look before you leap............He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work....Too many cooks spoil the broth. Clothes make the man.........Don't judge a book by its cover. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.........Better safe than sorry. The bigger, the better.....The best things come in small packages. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...Out of sight, out of mind. What will be, will be......Life is what you make it. Cross your bridges when you come to them. Forewarned is forearmed. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. One man's meat is another man's poison. With age comes wisdom. Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings. The more, the merrier..........Two's company; three's a crowd. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Actual Classified Ads Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!" At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters, as well as their spouses, who were all gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first person who presents me with a little one. Now let's say a blessing for this food." He then bowed his head and prayed. When the old man lifted his head, his wife was the only other one at the table. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Diet For Dealing With Stress 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Parenting Test - To all of you that are trying to have children, good luck ... passing the test that is. For all the rest of us we can look on and have a few chuckles of remembrance. You are not ready to be a parent until you can pass the following tests: MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a strong cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lucretius wrote it two thousand years ago: "So the fullness of things is always renewed, As the generations change, And, like runners, they pass on the torch of life." Socrates - Ancient teacher who said that knowledge is different from opinion. Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. . . William Pitt , 1783 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Willy started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. Listening to his radio (MADE IN INDIA) he set his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN). He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Willy decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.........AMERICA............. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18" "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" "How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?" Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. I just got back from a pleasure trip -- I drove my wife to the airport! Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met. Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a 'terminal'? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. [author unknown] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I am a nutritional overachiever. I am having an out of money experience. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. A day without sunshine is like night. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. (Ain't that the truth!) Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Impossible Questions .............. The bank charges you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Why are there 5 syllables in the work "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? How do I set my laser printer on stun? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3) No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7) Things you buy now won't wear out. 8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. 9) You can live without sex but not without glasses 10)You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15) You sing along with the elevator music. 16) Your eyes won't get much worse. 17) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Weather Service. 19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Go ahead. Send this list to your friends who are over 60. But remember, five minutes after reading it they won't remember who sent it to them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again on a Labor Day weekend. The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed. Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Computer Tech Reports 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3 How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team) 4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it! for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor! , AT&T Lone Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When! I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) 14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Joys of Womanhood! - Brilliant Woman Author Unknown Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" shouted the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven' ... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Full Pockets* A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *The Burglar* This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote Scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2: 38 !!!" The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?" The woman replied, "I quoted Scripture." The cop turned to the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?" The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Student Bloopers collected by Richard Lederer Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Achilles appears in 'The Iliad' by Homer. Homer also wrote 'The Oddity,' in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died of an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward for the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire* 1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. 2. Bandage left thumb. 3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments 4. Bandage left foot. 5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand) 6. Light Match 7. Light Match 8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. 9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. 10. Apply burn ointment to nose. 11. When fire is burning, collect more wood. 12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." 13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. 14. Relabel can to read "gasoline." 15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. 16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hades in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. I've learned ........... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. That when you're in love, it shows. That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. That being kind is more important than being right. That you should never say no to a gift from a child. That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help them in some other way. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. That money doesn't buy class. That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. That love, not time, heals all wounds. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. That life is tough, but I'm tougher. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas* Dec 25 My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you. Your deeply loving, Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 26 Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always, Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 27 My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely. Your devoted, Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 28 Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am. Love from Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 29 Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings. Bless you, Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 30 Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we? Love, Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dec. 31 Edward, I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan 1 Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing. Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan. 2 Look here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once! Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan 3 As I write this letter, 10 disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are being a nuisance with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again. Emily ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan 4 This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jan 5 Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. I am, Sir, yours faithfully, G. Creep Attorney at law ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Twas The Day After Christmas Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN." With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's -- all here!! To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!" He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said, "Yes." She asked, "Single click or double click?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Small Town Justice* A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "... or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say ..." "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Seems there was this preacher's wife who decided along with her husband that they really had to save more and spend less starting in the New Year. Well, she went shopping and found the dress of her dreams. It cost way too much, but she had to have it. When she showed it to her husband, he exclaimed, "After all we said about spending less money, how could you?" She replied, "The devil made me do it." "Didn't you tell him 'Get thee behind me, Satan'?" asked the exasperated preacher. "I certainly did," she replied, "but he said 'It really looks great from the back!!!!!'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Cowboy's New Car* Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!" Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted "Audi, partners!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi there...I'm so looking forward to seeing you...but, have to admit, I'm scared to death about you getting on that plane! Those idiots will surely try again. I have looked into the Islam faith and have the solution to how to keep the airplanes safe from terrorists. Everyone I tell my idea to laughs at me, but I'm convinced that it would work. Got your curiosity aroused? Well, here goes. As I understand it, the Islamics feel like they go straight to paradise if they die as a martyr. There are few things they actually fear....but, as with other Arab nations, they won't eat pork, are actually defiled if touched by the blood of swine. They won't use utensils that have touched pork unless they are washed 7 times and rubbed in sand.....so, my idea is, put a pig on every airplane, a little pot bellied pig, dressed in a skycap and USA flag scarf around it's neck. The terrorists wouldn't dare do anything or they'd be doomed to the opposite of paradise. What do you think? I think it's a great idea! Been thinking about sending my idea to Bush. Wonder why nobody else thought of it? Well, better go. We'll be at the airport to meet you. Wear a pork chop around your neck!!! Love, Mom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tired of being rejected for jobs? Maybe this form letter will come in handy. Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your Name] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a mother was explaining to her young son that you should never tell a lie. She told him that God saw everything and heard everything. She explained, "Even though your father and I may not know if you are telling a lie, God will know." The young son replied, "But will He tell?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My grandson and I were going fishing down at the river. It is admittedly a poor fishing spot but a good place to be together. As we approached, a young father and his son, about my grandson's age, were walking up the trail. My grandson piped up, "Did ya catch anything?" Their response was a dejected negative. "My grandpa will. He always catches a fish," came my grandson's reply. I nodded at the young man and did my best to make a humble remark about exaggerated imaginations. My line had a free running loop in it that I desperately needed to get rid of so I put a large lure on the line and cast out as far as I could. The man's son made a comment about how far out the line went. I remained quiet and reeled in the line watching it as it wound on my reel in proper manner. All of a sudden I got a strike. The first one I had gotten in the river in many years. I reeled in a nice small mouth bass about 2 or 2 1/2 pounds. The young dad and his son ooohhed and aaahhed as they saw the fish come in. I knelt down and removed it from the hook and was just about to hand it to the youngster to take home with him when the bass wriggled just right and with a loud splash gained its freedom again. The young man and his son moaned at the sight of the bass getting away. Just then, in a consoling voice, my grandson piped up, "That's OK. My grandpa always throws the little ones back!" No one spoke a word. The young man and his son quietly left. My tongue is still sore from biting it that day! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Priest's Uniform A little boy, not accustomed to seeing a priest in his "work uniform," went up to the priest and asked, "Why do you dress so funny?" The priest replied, "This is the uniform that I wear when I work." The child, still staring at him, asked, "Do you have a boo boo?" The priest was somewhat puzzled, but quickly figured out that the child was looking at his white and black Roman collar. The priest pulled out the white plastic insert and showed it to the child, telling him that it was also part of his uniform. On the back side of the collar there was some writing: "Wash with warm soapy water." The priest showed this to the little boy and then asked him "Do you know what these words say? The little boy, obviously much too young to read, stated, "I sure do." The priest, a little taken aback, then replied, "OK then, tell me what they say." The little boy then replied, "Kills fleas and ticks for up to six months." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding): There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Pound Puppy underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double paned) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-square-foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. Duplos will not. Play dough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super Glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~