HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same to them at funerals. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "and thank God we can all still drive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk." -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets. -------------------------------------------------------- While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust. -------------------------------------------------------- A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... -------------------------------------------------------- A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip. The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." -------------------------------------------------------- People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention. -------------------------------------------------------- Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. ---------------------------------------------------- Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." -------------------------------------------------------- A minister parked his car in a no -- parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES. When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A SENIOR MOMENT Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 19 THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN...by Dave Barry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. Never lick a steak knife. 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them. 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 19. Your friends love you anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trap door would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!" Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAN YOU READ THE MATZOH? A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?" LIKE A PUMPKIN... A lady recently being baptized was asked by a coworker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, "It's like being a pumpkin: God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see." . . . A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar there were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!' " CARING FOR THE PUPPIES An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cherish The Moments! I had a very special teacher in high school, many years ago, whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows, and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there. With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important." "Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate, and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day." Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise. From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent - perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze, slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground." "Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are "the stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time......it can all be taken away." The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone. Life is short, over much before we expect .................. Shalom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Osama Bin Laden "Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither. Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever, covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ http://personal.jax.bellsouth.net/jax/l/c/lchaplin/unkarock/flag.htm http://www.uk-archangels.com/angelsupport/tribute.swf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the year 2032 ................ A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid. All of a sudden they stop in front of a park, and the man comments to his son "Just think, not too long ago the Twin Towers used to be here..." So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face... "Dad, what were the Twin Towers?" "They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31 years ago a bunch of terrorists from the middle east crashed a plane into each one and they collapsed." "Dad, what was the middle east?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Interesting dilemma!!! A Moral Question I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. You are a photographer getting still photos for the CNN news service and are traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question below: Which lens would you use? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death. The psychic closed her eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, she found the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asked nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOLD STAR MOTHERS Gold Star Mothers is an organization made up of women whose sons were killed in military combat during service in the United States Armed Forces. Recently a delegation of New York State Gold Star Mothers made a trip to Washington, DC to discuss various concerns with their elected representatives. According to NewsMax.com there was only one politician in DC who refused to meet with these ladies. Can you guess which politician that might be? Was it New York Senator Charles Schumer? Nope, he met with them. Try again. Do you know anyone serving in the Senate who has never showed anything but contempt for our military? Do you happen to know the name of any politician in Washington who's husband once wrote of his loathing of the military? Now you're getting warm! You got it! None other than the Queen herself, Hillary Clinton. She refused repeated requests to meet with the Gold Star Mothers. Now -- please don't tell me you're surprised. This woman wants to be president of the United States and there is a huge percentage of the voters who are eager to help her achieve that. Sincerely, Cdr Hamilton McWhorter USN(ret) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You learn something new every day................. Social Security? Perhaps, we were asking the wrong questions in this past election year. Our Senators/Congressmen do not pay into Social Security, and, therefore they do not collect from it. Social Security benefits were not suitable for them. They felt they should have a special plan. Many years ago they voted in their benefit plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan for all practical purposes, their plan works like this: When they retire no matter how long they have been in office, they continue to draw their same pay until they die, except it may be increased from time to time by the cost-of-living adjustments. For example, former Senator Bill Bradley (New Jersey) and his wife may be expected to draw $7,900,000.00 over an average life span, with Mrs. Bradley drawing $275,000.00 during the last year of her life. Their cost for this excellent plan is "0", zilch. This little perk they voted in for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. Our tax dollars at work! Social Security, which you and I pay into every payday for our own retirement, with an equal amount paid in by our employer, we can expect to receive an average of $1,000 per month. We would have to collect our benefits for 68 years and 1 month to equal the Bradley's benefits. Imagine for a moment that you could structure a retirement plan so desirable, a retirement plan that worked so well, that Railroad Employees, Postal Workers, and others who were not in the plan would clamor to be included. This is how good Social Security could be, if only one small change was made.That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan out from under the Senators & Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us. Watch how fast they fix it!!! If enough people receive this message maybe a seed will be planted, and maybe good changes will evolve. Don't forget, our girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton, now comes under this Congressional Retirement Plan. Talking about the Clinton's, it's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million + house in upscale Chappaqua, NY. Makes sense. Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. A residency had to be built in order to house the Secret Service agents. The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service rent for the use of said residence and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that we, the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage, and it's all perfectly legal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is from Leonard Pitts, an African-American who writes a column for the Miami Herald. (Published Wednesday, September 12, 2001) WE'LL GO FORWARD FROM THIS MOMENT It's my job to have something to say. They pay me to provide words that help make sense of that which troubles the American soul. But in this moment of airless shock when hot tears sting disbelieving eyes, the only thing I can find to say, the only words that seem to fit, must be addressed to the unknown author of this suffering. You monster. You beast. You unspeakable bastard. What lesson did you hope to teach us by your coward's attack on our World Trade Center, our Pentagon, us? What was it you hoped we would learn? Whatever it was, please know that you failed. Did you want us to respect your cause? You just damned your cause. Did you want to make us fear? You just steeled our resolve. Did you want to tear us apart? You just brought us together. Let me tell you about my people. We are a vast and quarrelsome family, a family rent by racial, social, political and class division, but a family, nonetheless. We're frivolous, yes, capable of expending tremendous emotional energy on pop cultural minutiae -- a singer's revealing dress, a ball team's misfortune, a cartoon mouse. We're wealthy, too, spoiled by the ready availability of trinkets and material goods, and maybe because of that, we walk through life with a certain sense of blithe entitlement. We are fundamentally decent, though -- peace-loving and compassionate. We struggle to know the right thing and to do it. And we are, the overwhelming majority of us, people of faith, believers in a just and loving God. Some people -- you, perhaps -- think that any or all of this makes us weak. You're mistaken. We are not weak. Indeed, we are strong in ways that cannot be measured by arsenals. IN PAIN Yes, we're in pain now. We are in mourning and we are in shock. We're still grappling with the unreality of the awful thing you did, still working to make ourselves understand that this isn't a special effect from some Hollywood blockbuster, isn't the plot development from a Tom Clancy novel. Both in terms of the awful scope of their ambition and the probable final death toll, your attacks are likely to go down as the worst acts of terrorism in the history of the United States and, probably, the history of the world. You've bloodied us as we have never been bloodied before. But there's a gulf of difference between making us bloody and making us fall. This is the lesson Japan was taught to its bitter sorrow the last time anyone hit us this hard, the last time anyone brought us such abrupt and monumental pain. When roused, we are righteous in our outrage, terrible in our force. When provoked by this level of barbarism, we will bear any suffering, pay any cost, go to any length, in the pursuit of justice. I tell you this without fear of contradiction. I know my people, as you, I think, do not. What I know reassures me. It also causes me to tremble with dread of the future. In the days to come, there will be recrimination and accusation, fingers pointing to determine whose failure allowed this to happen and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. There will be heightened security, misguided talk of revoking basic freedoms. We'll go forward from this moment sobered, chastened, sad. But determined, too. Unimaginably determined. THE STEEL IN US You see, the steel in us is not always readily apparent. That aspect of our character is seldom understood by people who don't know us well. On this day, the family's bickering is put on hold. As Americans we will weep, as Americans we will mourn, and as Americans, we will rise in defense of all that we cherish. So I ask again: What was it you hoped to teach us? It occurs to me that maybe you just wanted us to know the depths of your hatred. If that's the case, consider the message received. And take this message in exchange: You don't know my people. You don't know what we're capable of. You don't know what you just started. But you're about to learn. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Read this and recall why we call him/her "Captain." The following is from a letter by a professional friend and her return flight to D.C. this week. "I just wanted to drop you all a note and let you know that I arrived safe and sound into Dulles Airport tonight [9/15] at about 6:00. It was a interesting flight. The airport in Denver was almost spooky, it was so empty and quiet. No on was in line for the security check point when I got there so that went fairly quickly, just x-ray of my bags and then a chemical test to be sure nothing explosive was on them. Then I waited 2 1/2 hours to board the plane. What happened after we boarded was interesting and thought I would share it with you. The pilot/captain came on the loudspeaker after the doors were closed. His speech went like this: First I want to thank you for being brave enough to fly today. The doors are now closed and we have no help from the outside for any problems that might occur inside this plane. As you could tell when you checked in, the government has made some changes to increase security in the airport. They have not, however, made any rules about what happens after those doors close. Until they do that, we have made our own rules and I want to share them with you. Once those doors close, we only have each other. The security has taken care of a threat like guns with all of the increased scanning, etc. Then we have the supposed bomb. If you have a bomb, there is no need to tell me about it, or anyone else on this plane; you are already in control. So, for this flight, there are no bombs that exist on this plane. Now, the threats that are left are things like plastics, wood, knives, and other weapons that can be made or things like that which can be used as weapons. Here is our plan and our rules. If someone or several people stand up and say they are hijacking this plane, I want you all to stand up together. Then take whatever you have available to you and throw it at them. Throw it at their faces and heads so they will have to raise their hands to protect themselves. The very best protection you have against knives are the pillows and blankets. Whoever is close to these people should then try to get a blanket over their head--then they won't be able to see. Once that is done, get them down and keep them there. Do not let them up. I will then land the plane at the closest place and we WILL take care of them. After all, there are usually only a few of them and we are 200+ strong! We will not allow them to take over this plane. I find it interesting that the US Constitution begins with the words "We the people"--that's who we are, THE people and we will not be defeated. With that, the passengers on the plane all began to applaud, people had tears in their eyes, and we began the trip toward the runway. The flight attendant then began the safety speech. One of the things she said is that we are all so busy and live our lives at such a fast pace. She asked that everyone turn to their neighbors on either side and introduce themselves, tell each other something about your families and children, show pictures, whatever. She said "for today, we consider you family. We will treat you as such and ask that you do the same with us." Throughout the flight we learned that for the crew, this was their first flight since Tuesday's tragedies. It was a day that everyone leaned on each other and together everyone was stronger than any one person alone. It was quite an experience. You can imagine the feeling when that plane touched down at Dulles and we heard "welcome to Washington Dulles Airport, where the local time is 5:40". Again, the cabin was filled with applause. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A view from Afghanistan... The following was sent to me by my friend Tamim Ansary. Tamim is an Afghani-American writer. He is also one of the most brilliant people I know in this life. When he writes, I read. When he talks, I listen. Here is his take on Afghanistan and the whole mess we are in. ---Gary T. Dear Gary and whoever else is on this email thread: I've been hearing a lot of talk about "bombing Afghanistan back to the Stone Age." Ronn Owens, on KGO Talk Radio today, allowed that this would mean killing innocent people, people who had nothing to do with this atrocity, but "we're at war, we have to accept collateral damage. What else can we do?" Minutes later I heard some TV pundit discussing whether we "have the belly to do what must be done." And I thought about the issues being raised especially hard because I am from Afghanistan, and even though I've lived here for 35 years I've never lost track of what's going on there. So I want to tell anyone who will listen how it all looks from where I'm standing. I speak as one who hates the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden. There is no doubt in my mind that these people were responsible for the atrocity in New York. I agree that something must be done about those monsters. But the Taliban and Ben Laden are not Afghanistan. They're not even the government of Afghanistan. The Taliban are a cult of ignorant psychotics who took over Afghanistan in 1997. Bin Laden is a political criminal with a plan. When you think Taliban, think Nazis. When you think Bin Laden, think Hitler. And when you think "the people of Afghanistan" think "the Jews in the concentration camps." It's not only that the Afghan people had nothing to do with this atrocity. They were the first victims of the perpetrators. They would exult if someone would come in there, take out the Taliban and clear out the rats nest of international thugs holed up in their country. Some say, why don't the Afghans rise up and overthrow the Taliban? The answer is, they're starved, exhausted, hurt, incapacitated, suffering. A few years ago, the United Nations estimated that there are 500,000 disabled orphans in Afghanistan--a country with no economy, no food. There are millions of widows. And the Taliban has been burying these widows alive in mass graves. The soil is littered with land mines, the farms were all destroyed by the Soviets. These are a few of the reasons why the Afghan people have not overthrown the Taliban. We come now to the question of bombing Afghanistan back to the Stone Age. Trouble is, that's been done. The Soviets took care of it already. Make the Afghans suffer? They're already suffering. Level their houses? Done. Turn their schools into piles of rubble? Done. Eradicate their hospitals? Done. Destroy their infrastructure? Cut them off from medicine and health care? Too late. Someone already did all that. New bombs would only stir the rubble of earlier bombs. Would they at least get the Taliban? Not likely. In today's Afghanistan, only the Taliban eat, only they have the means to move around. They'd slip away and hide. Maybe the bombs would get some of those disabled orphans, they don't move too fast, they don't even have wheelchairs. But flying over Kabul and dropping bombs wouldn't really be a strike against the criminals who did this horrific thing. Actually it would only be making common cause with the Taliban--by raping once again the people they've been raping all this time. So what else is there? What can be done, then? Let me now speak with true fear and trembling. The only way to get Bin Laden is to go in there with ground troops. When people speak of "having the belly to do what needs to be done" they're thinking in terms of having the belly to kill as many as needed...Having the belly to overcome any moral qualms about killing innocent people. Let's pull our heads out of the sand. What's actually on the table is Americans dying. And not just because some Americans would die fighting their way through Afghanistan to Bin Laden's hideout. It's much bigger than that folks. Because to get any troops to Afghanistan, we'd have to go through Pakistan. Would they let us? Not likely. The conquest of Pakistan would have to be first. Will other Muslim nations just stand by? You see where I'm going. We're flirting with a world war between Islam and the West. And guess what: that's Bin Laden's program. That's exactly what he wants. That's why he did this. Read his speeches and statements. It's all right there. He really believes Islam would beat the West. It might seem ridiculous, but he figures if he can polarize the world into Islam and the West, he's got a billion soldiers. If the West wreaks a holocaust in those lands, that's a billion people with nothing left to lose. That's even better from Bin Laden's point of view. He's probably wrong. In the end the West would win, whatever that would mean, but the war would last for years and millions would die, not just theirs but ours. Who has the belly for that? Bin Laden does. Anyone else? Tamim Ansary ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. Mine his bathroom. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!" *Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone's head in an arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;) This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net. Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Afghani TV Guide MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAY: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer" WEDNESDAY: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAY: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAY: 8:00 - "Judge Laden" 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies" 9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Achmed's Creek" 10:00 - "No-witness News" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRIENDS: "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends say." If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."'-- Winnie the Pooh "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." "Friendship is one mind in two bodies."--- Mencius "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." -Dave Matthews Band "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them" "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere"--- Tim McGraw "My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life."---Lee Iacocca "Hold a true friend with both your hands."---Nigerian Proverb "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."--unknown ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have a dog that talks in its sleep. One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow, "My name is Christopher Columbus! I am seven hundred years old! I own America! I married Marilyn Monroe!" When the visitor asked what was going on, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening, as they have for the past 35 years. Max, the older, is having problems remembering which cards were which, and he usually needs help from his wife. At the end of the card game, Ed says to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max replies, "Ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Ed asks. Max thinks for a moment. "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower?" "A rose?" "Yeah, that's it!" Max says. He then turns to his wife and mumbles, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree, and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did," he says. "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening," the pastor replies. "Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STAFF DESCRIPTIONS Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office Good Communication Skills...Spends lots of time on phone Average Employee..............................Not too bright Exceptionally Well Qualified, Made no major blunders yet Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too Independent Worker.....Nobody knows what he/she does Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision Agressive..........................................Obnoxious Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs, Gets someone else to do it Expresses Themselves Well...............Speaks English Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker Has Leadership Qualities.....Is tall or has a loud voice Exceptionally Good Judgement.......................Lucky Keen Sense of Humor..........Knows a lot of dirty jokes Career Minded...................................Back Stabber Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One pastor's church is called Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, the pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. He let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's, OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, "God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now." At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, "Almighty God." I was afraid to answer!" Author Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weird Library Reference Questions - Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers: "Do you have books here?" "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?" "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?" "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing Through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.") "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying ----- "REFERENCE DESK"! ------ "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?" "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?" "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?" "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" "I need a color photograph of George Washington." [substitute Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.] "I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate." "I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography." "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff." "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A southern football player was visiting a relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where do ya'll go ta'school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but answered his question anyway. "Yale," she replied. The student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO YA'LL GO TA'SCHOOL!?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs". Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they were trying to change airlines! Have a great day and remember, things aren't always as they appear. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FIVE GREAT LESSONS: 1 - Most Important Lesson During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." "I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. 2 - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others." Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole. 3 - Third Important Lesson -Always remember those who serve In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now, more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table, and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip. 4 - Fourth Important Lesson - The Obstacle in Our Path In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition. 5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving when it counts Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?" Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her. You see, after all, understanding and attitude are everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. -------- The Russians used a pencil --------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook. "I love being married. It's so great to find the one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you." "The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns." A Florida grandfather had a hard time opening one of the two windows of the bedroom where he and grandma sleep. He told his grandson that the windows now have been given names, His and Hernia. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Learn something new everyday!! This may not be the most earthshaking piece of information you've ever received, but I had never heard of this before and thought it was pretty interesting. Since reading it, I've started to check the twist tie, and it appears to be for real! Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday - blue, Tuesday - green, Thursday - red Friday - white, and Saturday - yellow I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers do have different colored twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new every day! So today being Thursday, I wanted a red twist tie-not white which is Friday (almost a week old?) The colors go alphabetically -- Blue, Green, Red, White, Yellow, Monday thru Saturday. Very easy to remember. But I put a post-it note in my wallet when I first found out about this so I would not forget. Enjoy fresh bread with the right color on the day you are shopping. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. He, who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Friends, you and me .... You brought another friend .... And then there were 3 .... We started our group .... Our circle of friends .... There is no beginning or end .... Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or femine. One puzzled student asked,"What gender'is computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriatelyenough,by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to every one else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The womens group, however concluded that computers should be masculine, because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If..... If you can start the day without caffeine, if you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, if you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong, if you can take criticism and blame without resentment, if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you can face the world without lies and deceit, if you can conquer tension without medical help, if you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs, if you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Be good to your children "To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students ... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And .... .the first thing he said was, "Don't." "Don't what ?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants). A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said, "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?" Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children." A FEW ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS! ... CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that I'm older ... here's what I've discovered: I STARTED out with nothing ... I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ... It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hiring Women The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. It was a guide for hiring women. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II - a mere 56 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny" but, by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8. Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties: 1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently. 2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy. 3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls -those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters. 4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job. 5. Stress at the outset the importance of time, the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up. 6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. 7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change. 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. 9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency. 10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. 11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~