Let us not diminish the power of waiting by saying that a lifesaving relationship cannot develop in an hour. One eye movement or one handshake can replace years of friendship when man is in agony. Love not only lasts forever, it needs only a second to come about. Henri Nouwen ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!" Women are like computers even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9 irritations in life 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks; Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us." Vaughn Wilson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive? Makes one think, and puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 $9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 $33.60 per gallon Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 $21.19 per gallon $21.19 FOR WATER!....and the buyers don't even know the source. So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job." Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish, I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She Was Soooooooooooooo STUPID: ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. She Was Soooooooooooooo STUPID: ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooooo STUPID: ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. She Was Soooooooooooooo STUPID: ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo STUPID: ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959: I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it is going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20. Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one. If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter? If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage. Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls. Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket. Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar. I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they called astronauts preparing for it down in Texas. Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President. Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country? I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now. It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet. It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work. I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business. Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress. The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on. There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel. No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood. If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains. I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home. If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair. We won't be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Abby: My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Emergency Surgery A nurse was on duty in the Emergency room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB!! 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected. A Swedish proverb Revelation is always measured by capacity. Margaret Barber Conversion Puns 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RECIPE FOR FOREVER Gather all of the ingredients together, So that they are close at hand! Get a clean cloth and wipe the bowl clean of any lingering *dust* from the past. Take MATURITY, RESPECT, and FRIENDSHIP, and stir gently. Add unlimited amounts of COMPASSION and KINDNESS, And mix well. To this, add CARING by the handfuls, and fold in TRUST. Continue stirring gently, adding LISTENING, HONESTY, and large amounts of COMMUNICATION. Slip in some DREAMS, GOALS, And firm pieces of KEEPING PROMISES. Bake in a home filled with PEACE, BEAUTY, and SERENITY. Before you taste the finished product, sprinkle liberally with PATIENCE, LOVE, and a touch of SPICE. Serve very hot, with IMAGINATION on the side. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked. "You're coming empty handed?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father. "This baby's in serious need of a diaper change." Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for 8 to 10 pounds!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *REASONS NOT TO WASH* If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and applied them to other important areas of life, you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who make soap are only after your money. 3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. 4. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everyone else. 5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. 6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped. 7. None of my friends wash. 8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. 9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 10. I can't spare the time ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pessimistic Friend An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend, "He can't swim." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice field of newly plowed land that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K.,"said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I just love Baskin' Robins." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD EXPLAINS TO ADAM God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." And Adam said, "What's a river?" And God explained it to him. And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" And God explained it to him. Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman." Adam said, "What's woman?" So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "Now what?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir?" The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again." The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman one. The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son." The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A truly great man never puts away the simplicity of a child. Chinese proverb "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Martin Luther King ‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.' 'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.' ‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.' 'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.' 'Man with one chopstick go hungry.' There are good ships, and there are wood ships, The ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, And may they always be. "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I thought these were pretty funny. The following were actually taken from Classified Ads in newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED....ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. NORDIC TRACK. $300 ! HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. PARACHUTE FOR SALE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER AND THE BEST ONE............. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUOTES OF THE DAY... "A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over." - Dino Levi. "An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1-Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2-Lift both lids and add shampoo. 3-Find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom. 4-In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top so cat cannot escape. 5-The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this). 6-Flush 3 or 4 times, this provides power rinse which is quite effective. 7-Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids. 8-Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Sincerely, The Dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Annual Physical An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The old man stood there and looked extremely concerned. The doctor just shook his head. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine with you. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old man!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Home for the Holidays The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sisters shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sisters in Illinois and tells them the news. One of the sisters says, "I'll handle this." She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we all get here! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These pretty much sum up the state of our country, and specifically our Judicial Branch of Government! 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped! on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses. It pays to be stupid here in the good ol' "US of A". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REMEMBER.... When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m.... When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..." And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Back then, baseball was not a psychological group learning experience-it was a game. Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's .... Who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings,drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Knowledge is different from Opinion ....... Socrates "There is not enough darkness in the world......... to put out the light of one candle." "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle" "Heroes are people who rise to the occasion and slip quietly away." I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into a doctor's office. The man has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle out of his nose and a slice of bacon out of his other ear. He asks the doctor what's wrong. The doctor replies, "You're just not eating properly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You know, it's at times like these when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. "Daddy, may I ask you a question?" "Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man. "Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business. What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily. "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy. "If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour." "Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy,may I borrow $10.00 please?" The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games." The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep son?" he asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy. "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy" he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man. "Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled. "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One." "Only one." "How much was the sale?" "$58,334.00" Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. The boy said, "First I sold the man a fishhook. Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked him where he was planning to fish, and he replied down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that nice big fishing boat. When he said his car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle." The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" "No," the salesman replied. He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot, you should probably go fishing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More Church Bulletin Bloopers "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'" "During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit." "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience.'" "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice." "Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community." "The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy." "The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her." "22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why." "A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday." "Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles." -Arj Barker ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened. "Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair." "I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to make a perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch the thing!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman called Butterball to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside." No matter how you slice it, the Holidays just isn't the same without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu. Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give $1 million or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he had. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the $1 million?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the name of the person who pushed me in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs that you live in the "modern" world ! 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL/cable modem) so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 24. You're reading this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Lord please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward somone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends say........... "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." Mencius "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." -Dave Matthews Band "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them" "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere" Tim McGraw "My father always used to say that when you die, if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life." Lee Iacocca "Hold a true friend with both your hands." Nigerian Proverb "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered. "May I speak to your mother?" the salesman asked. The boy replied, "She's not here right now." The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?" The boy replied, "My sister." The salesman asked, "May I speak to her?" The boy replied, "I guess so." At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone. Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?" The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister." To which the boy replied, "I tried but I can't get her out of the playpen!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes," she replied. "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At his request, each morning three-year-old Ry's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T- shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ry's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ry his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled forgivingly, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ry answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ry slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy: "Clark Kent." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dog Breeding Made Absurd Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tips rejected by Martha Stewart 1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. 2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. 3. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. 4. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. 5. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated. One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pastor To The Rescue There were two men shipwrecked on an island. The minute they got onto the island, one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!" The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?! We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe 10 percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Theme Songs for Bible Characters Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Joshua: "Good Vibrations" Peter: "I'm Sorry" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO MAKE A MIRACLE: --INGREDIENTS: --1 part of knowing who you are --1 part of knowing who you aren't --1 part of knowing what you want --1 part of knowing who you wish to be --1 part of knowing what you already have --1 part of choosing wisely from what you have --1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have --INSTRUCTIONS:: Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the outcome until finely blended. Add thoughts, words and actions for best results. Bake until Blessed. Give thanks again. Makes unlimited servings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~