"HOW WONDERFUL IT IS THAT NOBODY NEED WAIT A SINGLE MOMENT BEFORE STARTING TO IMPROVE THE WORLD." ---ANNE FRANK Book Title: Unemployed Author: Anita Job Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a dress for a ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *STUPID INVENTIONS* Black Highlighter Braille Driver's Manual Clear Correction Fluid Fake Rhinestones Inflatable Dart Board Mesh Umbrella Motorcycle Air Conditioner Sugar-Coated Toothpaste Super-glue Post-it Notes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so. The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonder bread account." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *$100 Please* A little boy, who wanted $100 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the president. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack Summers is a constructor at a building site. One day on the site there is a massive accident and Jack has both of his ears cut off. Jack goes through a time of deep depression, but thanks to the loving care of his family, he pulls through. After a time of therapy, Jack decides that he'll prove everybody wrong who thought that he was good for nothing. Jack goes into business, and becomes very successful. He becomes so successful that he decides that he needs an assistant. Jack was always very wary of new comers because of all the trauma he went through, so he decides to interview the applicants very thoroughly. He decides he'll ask them 1 question and that will be the basis of him accepting them. There are three applicants. 1) A man, very thoroughly qualified. He goes in for the interview and Jack says : "Do you notice anything strange about me?" The man says, "Of course, you've got no ears." Jack gets angry and throws the man out. 2) A women, even more qualified. Jack asks the same question and receives the same answer. She is kicked out. Before number three goes in he sees Numbers 1 and 2 outside. They say to him that when Jack asks him the question, whatever he says, don't say that he's got no ears. With this in mind number 3 goes into the office. Jack says: "So have you noticed anything strange about me?" Number 3 looks up and says: "Yes, you are wearing contact lenses." "Why," says Jack, "you're very observant. How did you know that?" "Well, you couldn't wear glasses without any ears could you!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I give you my number" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in aquiring her number, then 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was sitting outside one cloudy day, reminiscing on all the bad luck I was having. Everything was going wrong. Feeling bad, I looked up to the heavens with outstretched arms and said, "Why me, Lord? Why me?" All of a sudden ther was a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning, and as the clouds parted, a booming voice came down from the sky, and said, "Because, there's something about you that just ticks me off!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual Newspaper Headlines 1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies In House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again 9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 10. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 11. Eye Drops Off Shelf 12. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 13. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 14. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 15. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 17. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 18. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 19. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 20. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 21. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 22. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 23. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 24. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 25. War Dims Hope For Peace 26. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 27. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 28. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 29. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 30. Deer Kill 17,000 31. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 32. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 33. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 34. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 35. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 36. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy 37. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire 38. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply 39. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 40. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 41. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half 42. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 43. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 44. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing 45. Air Head Fired 46. Steals Clock, Faces Time 47. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni 48. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board 49. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors 50. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wise man: One who sees the storm coming ...... before the clouds appear. Elbert Hubbard I know that 80% of my theology is right and 20% is wrong, I just don't know which is which. a Seminary Professor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inner Peace....... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a large slice of chocolate cake. I feel better already. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ School Teacher vs. Judge When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of senior citizens were talking at the breakfast table in a Florida nursing home. "My arms are so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,"...another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Area 51 .... I'd Rather Be Tortured You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999. P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing. Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell. Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex. Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. Cisco - Side kick of Poncho. Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share. Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share. Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. Profit - Religious guy who talks to God. Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan. Alan Greenspan - God. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "DAILY PHYSICAL EXERCISE?" Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. 01) Beating around the bush 02) Jumping to conclusions 03) Climbing the walls 04) Swallowing my pride 05) Passing the buck 06) Throwing my weight around 07) Dragging my heels 08) Pushing my luck 09) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting my own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting my foot in my mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary-they go down to their old school-there, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On the way home, a bag of money falls out of the armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic. The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile." So they sit the man down and begin to question him. The FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Traffic Stop After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Mafia's Accountant A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS Question 1: A woman is pregnant and already has 8 children, 3 are blind, are deaf, and she has Syphilis. Would you recommend that she have an abortion? Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A: * Associates with crooked politicians * Consults with astrologists * Has had two mistresses * Chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day Candidate B: * Was kicked out of office twice * Sleeps until noon * Used opium in college * Drinks a quart of whiskey every evening Candidate C: * He is a decorated war hero * He's a vegetarian * Doesn't smoke * Drinks an occasional beer * Hasn't had any extramarital affairs Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll to the end for the answer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Gates speaks...this is good! Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt Candidate B is Winston Churchill Candidate C is Adolph Hitler Oh, by the way, the answer to the abortion question - If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone. Remember amateurs built the ark Professionals built the Titanic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. Muhammad Ali ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A true minister is anybody who is the channel to others of God's love, and is willing to share something of the cost of that love; and whose eyes are open to perceive God's presence everywhere and in everybody. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Waiting is, by its nature, something only the humble can do with grace. John Ortberg ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These came from England... Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I thought you should learn a few new things about chocolate..... Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step farther, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, the calories actually counteract each other. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Yes, WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?....... I don't think so! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry , sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George Carlinisms: How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip? Does killing time damage eternity? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Are part-time band leaders semiconductors? Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? Daylight savings time - why are they saving it, where do they keep it? Do pilots take crash-courses? Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no- maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles. ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? > ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.. GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. (Author Unknown) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was stopped by a game warden in south central Montana recently, with two buckets of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes sir. Every evening I take these here fish down to the river and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their bucket and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "OK I've got to see this!" The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" The man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted. "Call who back?" The man asked. "The fish." "Fish? What fish?" The man asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas." - Rodney Dangerfield ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two rules for life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. 2. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are we able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is........................ there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting.... --until your car or home is paid off --until you get a new car or home --until your kids leave the house --until you go back to school --until you finish school --until you lose 10 lbs. --until you gain 10 lbs. --until you get married --until you get a divorce --until you have kids --until you retire --until summer --until spring --until winter --until fall --until you die There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So-work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt And dance like no one's watching. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No Taxes ........... No Debt........... Plenty Buffalo Plenty Beaver............ Women did most of the work Medicine Man free............... Indian man hunted and fished all the time! White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!!!?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yes. TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky? TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) yes, I saw the sky. TEACHER: Did you see God? TOMMY: No. TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist! A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time). LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky? TOMMY: Yessssss! LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher? TOMMY: Yes. LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? TOMMY: No. LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one. "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" II CORINTHIANS 4:7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Using "De"words In a Sentence Children were called to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail." Little Johnny stood, thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. It is also reported by reliable sources that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out the window is ground going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger seats, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. Its always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The three most useless things to a pilot are; the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in-between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Parents Turn Gray... The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any One there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grandma's Shoes When I was very little, All the grandmas that I knew All walked around the world, In ugly grandmas shoes. You know the ones I speak of, Those clunky black heeled kind. They just looked so very awful, That it weighed upon my mind. For I knew when I grew old, I'd have to wear those shoes. I'd think of that, from time to time It seems like such bad news. I never was a rebel, Wore saddle shoes to school. And next came ballerinas, Then the sandals, pretty cool. And then came spikes with pointed toes, Then platforms very, tall. As each new fashion came along, I wore them, one and all. But always in the distance, Looming in my future, there Was that awful pair of ugly shoes, The kind that grandma wore. I eventually got married, And then became a mom. Our kids grew up and left, And then their children came along. I knew I was a Grandma, And the time was drawing near. When those clunky black old lace up shoe, Was what I'd have to wear How would I do my gardening, Or take my morning hike? I couldn't even think about, How I would ride my bike. But fashion kept evolving, And one day I realized. That the shape of things to come, Was changing, right before my eyes. And now when I go shopping, What I see, fills me with glee. For, in my jeans and Reeboks, I'm as comfy as can be. And I look at all these teenage girls, And there upon their feet, Are clunky black old grandmas shoes, And they really think they're neat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CHILDREN DO THE DARNDEST THINGS... PAD PLEASE! (be careful of what you ask for!) An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC STRIP MALL (oops!) My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers. Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "OK, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. "And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes. Doug Larson Preach the gospel everyday; if necessary, use words. -St. Francis of Assisi If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. -Lisa Moriyana Truth may walk through the world unarmed. -Bedouin God comes into our lives to take them over, not to make us feel good. -Jim Miller Some stories are true that never happened. -Elie Weisel You can live a lifetime and , at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself. -Beryl Markham Regarding life, I understand more today than I did yesterday, but less than I will understand tommorrow. -R.R. Ball God will continue to use your honesty and vulnerability about your experiences to stregthen the faith of others who are suffering and feeling alone today. -Dr. James Dobson Do you know, my son, with what little understanding the world is ruled? -Pope Julius III Use an accordion, go to jail! That's the law! -Bumper sticker ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Mariners baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels in to the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying the game and drinking Jack Daniels mixed in their soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has alot of innings to go. Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?. See Answer at the end of this issue................ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coping parable This is the parable of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The water wasn't very deep, so the mule could stand on the bottom. The farmer heard the mule praying, or whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Initially, the old mule was hysterical. But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back he should shake it off and step up. This he did, blow after blow of dirt hitting his back. "Shake it off and step up... shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up", he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or how distressing the situation seemed, the old mule fought panic and just kept right on shaking it off and stepping up. It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of the well. What seemed like it would bury him actually helped him, all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity. That's life. If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...the adversities that come along to bury us usually have within them the very real potential to benefit us. NEVER BE AFRAID TO TRY SOMETHING NEW. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A JEWISH SAMURAI? Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A DOG NAMED MACE A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before she could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair] 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special] 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?] 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion] 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!] 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day . . . ..] 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?] 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.] 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope] 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to where?] 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious]. 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH] 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta] 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well there occasionally days like this........ Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off because last nights Ts storm caused a power failure, so I was late getting up. I took a cold shower and cut myself while shaving in the dark. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on customers, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer ...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIFE - The Paradox of Our Time, by George Carlin The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; big men and small character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say "I Love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. To all my friends in my life, thanks for being there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FRIENDSHIP WEEK from Andy Rooney Written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy..... I've learned......That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person. That when you're in love, it shows. I've learned that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. I've learned that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. I've learned that being kind is more important than being right. I've learned that you should never say no to a gift from a child. I've learned that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everybody needs a friend to act goofy with. I've learned that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. I've learned that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I learned that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned that money doesn't buy class. I've learned that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned that love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies, and feeling their breath on your cheek. I've learned that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned that life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned that I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away. I've learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them. I've learned that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned that when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you are hooked for life. I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned that it's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. Friends are very rare jewels indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The game is in the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~