Book Title: Downpour! Written by Wayne Dwops Regarding life, I understand more today than I did yesterday, but less than I will understand tommorrow. - R.R. Ball Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? The Buddhist monk wanted to transcend dental medication. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the "4" key four times. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters,the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ears---strickly a woman's joke A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can. The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out. After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work. The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage. "You know what you did?" she screams. "You gave me a man's ears." "Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What's wrong? Can't you hear?" "I hear everything," she says. "The problem is, I don't understand anything I'm told." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What Would You Say? When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator... He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I put off in Buffalo!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog?? Now That's COOL!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus ............ It's a bug. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon. Look at everything as though you were seeing it for the first time or the last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory. Betty Smith I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward somone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hymns for Professionals: DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns CONTRACTORS: The church's one foundation OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labor on GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence LAWYERS: In the hour of trial DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge to keep have I CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When a farmer in Kansas discovered his large barn with horses and equipment was on fire, he quickly called for the fire departments in surrounding townships to help put out the fire. Several fire departments arrived on the scene and were doing all they could to rescue the horses, equipment, and douse the fire--to no avail. The farmer suddenly noticed an old, beat-up looking fire truck at the end of the lane with the words "Wildcat Fire Department" on the side. "Oh," he pleaded, "please help me. If you don't I'm afraid I will lose my barn and everything in it." The fire chief said they would do their best to help. With that, the fire truck went sailing full speed, right into the middle of the barn where the fire was raging. The men jumped off the truck. Some grabbed hoses and began trying to douse the fire with water, and some took off their protective coats and beat the flames. Finally, they had the fire out. They straggled out of the barn with blackend faces and singed hair, coughing and gasping for air. The grateful farmer ran up to them his face beaming. "Oh, I am so happy you saved my barn. I won't be in financial ruin now. Because you have saved my barn and horses and equipment, I want to give you $1,000. Tell me, what will you buy with the money?" The fire chief responded, "Well, the first thing we want to buy are new brakes for our truck!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's is the money I've made selling the Doilies." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalm 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. Sincerely, Taxpayer P.S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Advice to Dumb Criminals (based on what other dumb criminals have done) If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot... *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants. *Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view. When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene. "But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town. When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty. If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo. *Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius. *Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth. *Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop. Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name. *Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday. When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot. *Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket. If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway. *Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene. If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke 30 different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother. A few days later he called his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke 30 languages!" The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who Said That? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what goober came up with "Quit while you're ahead"? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. As I said before, I never repeat myself! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time. 1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth. 2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair. 3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time. 4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins. 5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming. 6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood. 7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed. 8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set. 9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it). 10. A HALF DOLLAR AND A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle? VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered VENI, VIDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped. COGITO EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I am ... a waffle QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI - The king is dead. No kidding POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort MAZEL TON - Tons of luck VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it CARNE DIEM - Seize the meat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUOTABLE QUOTES I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. -- Doug Lars A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking," and then I thought: What good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980) Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. -- Ernie Kovacs Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.-- H.L. Mencken A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H.L. Mencken It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. We are all pencils in the hand of a writing God, who is sending love letters to the world. Mother Teresa Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Barbara Johnson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DON'T ASK CERTAIN QUESTIONS AT GOLF Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Snooze Control My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!" My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in> and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alarming Statistics Number of physicians in the US: 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171. Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000. Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500. Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. "Remember, Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor." Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. Remember guns don't kill people, doctors do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Grandson: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. Love, Grandma P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The copper said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect DOUBLE EAGLE! He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah...there are only 100 Catholics living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana...there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho...there are only 25 Catholics living there." One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any Catholics there." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 6 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 9 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daffynishuns Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999. P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing. Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell. Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock. Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and the wife gets no jewelry. Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. Cisco - Side kick of Poncho. Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share. Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share. Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. Profit - Religious guy who talks to God. Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan. Alan Greenspan - God. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked if not for (insert your child's name here). For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich". It is just the opposite. What do your get for your $160,140? Naming rights. First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee or hula-hula off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gumout of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. ENJOY YOUR KIDS (and grandkids) !!!!!! Editor's Note ........ I do, I do, I do. All three girls ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Planting the seeds for life: Plant three rows of peas: Peas of mind; Peas of heart; Peas of soul Plant four rows of squash: Squash gossip; Squash grumbling; Squash indifference; Squash selfishness Plant four rows of lettuce: Lettuce be faithful; Lettuce be kind; Lettuce be happy; Lettuce really love one another No garden should be without turnips: Turnip for service when needed; Turnip to help one another; Turnip the music and dance Water with patience and cultivate with love. Let there be much fruit in your garden. Remember, you reap what you sow. To conclude our garden; We must have thyme: Thyme for fun; Thyme for rest; Thyme for ourselves. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Plant Yourself Plant yourself in the company of good friends and loved ones. Plant yourself in the middle of positive changes. Plant yourself with people who so desperately need you. Plant yourself where you can make a difference in the lives of others. Plant yourself where people who need you can reach you. Plant yourself where others do not have the courage to go. Plant yourself where your heart and spirit can grow. Plant yourself where you will be watered, fed, nurtured, and supported. To grow and continue to bloom professionally and personally... Plant yourself where you can make a positive difference! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME! My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you know who, in 1923, was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator 5. President of the Bank International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men? 1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, died of suicide. In that same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won both the US Open and PGA Championship. He died in 1999 at the age of 95, played golf until he was 92, and was financially solvent at his death. Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and other bullsxxx and start playing golf. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Secrets of Women's Language: Keywords and their meaning. Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. This is not a statement, it is an offer. Please Do: A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisdom 1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 5. A penny saved is a government oversight. 6. He who hesitates is probably right. 7. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth! 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........ Well, REALLY NOW .... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." - - - - - - - - A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." - - - - - - - - - - A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "God tells me," was his father's reply. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" - - - - - - - - - - A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" - - - - - - - A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!" - - - - - - - - - Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Voice From Above? The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a devout Methodist, he thought it'd be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEW TERMS FOR THE '00 DECADE BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two (or Three) Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again. VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key. YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located." GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folk ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ... Grace gives without the receiver realizing how great the gift really is. Rebecca Pippert It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning. Claude Bernard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Why It's Great to Be a Dog:" 1. no one expects you to take a bath every day. 2. if it itches, you can scratch it. 3. there's no such thing as bad food. 4. a rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. 5. if you grow hair in weird places, no one cares. 6. you can lie around all day without worrying about being fired. 7. you don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap. 8. you're always excited to see the same people. 9. having big feet is considered an asset. 10. puppy love can last. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman is sitting at a bar having a few drinks. The bartender notices that the woman takes a drink then looks in her purse, she takes another drink then looks in the purse. After a while the bartender goes over and asks what is so important that she continues to look inside her purse after every drink. The woman replies, "I have a picture of my husband inside my purse. When he looks good I'm going to go home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages? All of them are **Burma-Shave** sayings ....... DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD DROVE TOO LONG TO GAIN A MINUTE DROVE TOO LONG YOU NEED YOUR HEAD DRIVER SNOOZING YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING BROTHER SPEEDERS CAUTIOUS RIDER LET'S REHEARSE TO HER RECKLESS DEAR ALL TOGETHER LET'S HAVE LESS BULL GOOD MORNING NURSE AND LOTS MORE STEER THE MIDNIGHT RIDE SPEED WAS HIGH OF PAUL FOR BEER WEATHER WAS NOT LED TO A TIRES WERE THIN WARMER HEMISPHERE X MARKS THE SPOT AROUND THE CURVE PASSING CARS LICKETY--SPLIT WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE WASN'T IT? OF ETERNITY NO MATTER THE PRICE A GUY WHO DRIVES NO MATTER HOW NEW A CAR WIDE OPEN THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IS NOT THINKIN' IN THE CAR IS YOU HE'S JUST HOPIN' AT INTERSECTIONS BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL LOOK EACH WAY EYES ON THE ROAD A HARP SOUNDS NICE THAT'S THE SKILLFUL BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY DRIVER'S CODE THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU **Burma-Shave** TO DO HIS THINKING ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs of the Times Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ True Scotsman A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while when the lass said, "A penny for ye thoughts Angus." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well Mary, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now Angus?" To which the lad replied: "Well Mary, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? " After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will. " The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? ", he thought. He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. Finally, with trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'? " He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me. " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won! George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in dead last. George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Good things to say when stressed... "Well this day was a total waste of make-up" "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after." "This isn't an office. It's HELL with florescent lighting" "I started out with nothing & still have most of it left" "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me" "YOU!!... off my planet!!!" "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose" "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control" "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed" "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years." "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer." "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet" "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead." "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done." "Ambivalent? Well yes and no." "Earth is full. Go home." "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert." " You are depriving some village of an idiot." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Men can learn a little from this email! Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's 50 dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. DANGEROUS: Omigosh! What happened to your hair? SAFER: New hairdo honey? SAFEST: I have always loved that look on you. DANGEROUS: You're burning the chicken? SAFER: I love barbecued chicken. SAFEST: Mmmmmmm... what smells so good? DANGEROUS: Don't look at me like that. SAFER: Your eyes look funny. Do you feel ok? SAFEST: I've always loved your eyes. DANGEROUS: Why are the kids tied to chairs? SAFER: C'mon kids. Come and play with Daddy. SAFEST: !#$%*! KIDS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Out of the mouths of babes ................ While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ============================= It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" ============================== While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" =============================== While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said. "Glory be unto the Faaaather...and unto the Sonnnn... and into the hole you goooo." ================================ To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World at Lake Buena Vista, Fla., a huge fireworks display lights up the sky. One night I noticed a small boy about three years old perched on his father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens. When the fireworks were over, the little boy looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God." =================================== My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?" "I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered. =============================== When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef." =================================== We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells and they all work." =================================== A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. I can't read, I can't write--and they won't let me talk!" =================================== One day Mother sent my little brother to the post office to mail a letter. A few minutes later he came back with a suspicious smile on his face. "What happened?" my mother asked." "I just fooled the people at the post office. When no one was looking, I dropped the letter into the box without buying any stamps." ================================== Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TRUISMS If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. He who hesitates is probably right. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. A fool and his money are soon partying. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you! Half the people you know are below average. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. So many idiots, so few comets. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like... you know.... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~