The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above average drivers.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Old Are You REALLY ?????
1. Name the 4 Beatles. __ __ __ & __
2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, __ __!"
3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" __ __ __ __.
4. What do M&M's do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ___ ___ ___ ___
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?___ ___.
6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as __ __.
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, __ __ __ __ __ __ __."
8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little
 buddy." But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's 
 closest friend, _____ G. _____.
9. M-I-C, .. See ya' real soon, .. K-E-Y, __? __ __ ___ ___!
10. "Brylcream: ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ____."
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ____ ____.
12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this
line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder who __ __ __ __ __ __?"
13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: 
"War...uh-huh, huh, ...yea; what is it good for? , __ __."
14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights
a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ___ ___ ___.
15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one
 of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went
 on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's 
stockings. He is Broadway ___ ___.
16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm 
strong to the finish, __ __ __ __ __, I'm Popeye the sailor man."
17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently
played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when
Peter was played by ___ ___.
18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke,
a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off
the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was 
captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape,
the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this 
experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."
19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing 
a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics.
"Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."
20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; 
He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, 
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you 
didn't give no lip to ___ ___, ___ ___ ___."
21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____."
22. ___ ___ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___ ___ __."
23. "Good night, David." "___ ___,___."
24. "Liar, liar, ___ ___ ___."
25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. 
You're the star today. ____! ____ ____ ____ ____."
26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said,
 "We have met the enemy, and ___ ___ ___."
The answers are at the end
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Benefits of Growing Older 
1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
2. Kidnappers are not very interested in you 
3. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
5. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 
6. Things you buy now won't wear out. 
7. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 
10. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
 watch television. 
11. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 
12. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 
13. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 
14. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 
15. You got cable for the weather channel. 
16. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 
17. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
18. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
 no matter who walks into the room. 
19. You send money to PBS. 
20. You sing along with the elevator music. 
21. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 
22. Your back goes out more than you do. 
23. Your investment in health insurance
 is finally beginning to pay off. 
24. Your joints are more accurate than the
 National Weather Service. 
25. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they
 can't remember them either. 
26. Your supply of brain cells is finally 
down to a manageable size. 
27. People send you this list .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People who want to share their religious views with you 
almost never want you to share yours with them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kids Just Don't Listen...
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner 
"Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box 
of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying
to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog. 
She's a poodle named Abby."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful
and if you wash your poodle in this, she'll get sick. In fact,
it might even kill her."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried
to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy
some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, she died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that 
detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied,
"I don't think it was the detergent that killed her."
"Oh?" wondered the grocer. "What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; 
they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably 
in the basement, the flower bed or the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough 
doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the 
vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer
when a little  voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by
 height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE   ~  My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE   ~  My Mom knows a lot!  A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE  ~ My Mom doesn't really know quite
                                       everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Mom doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Mom? She's totally out of it.
18 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Mom? She wouldn't even know 
                                       what I was talking about!
25 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Well, she might know a  
                                       little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Before we decide, 
                                       let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Wonder what Mom would  
                                         have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE  ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill 
and a laxative on the same night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from 
the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.  He is approached 
by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.  
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these 
lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the 
water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them
for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."  
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is 
illegal to fish without a license.  
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, 
"If you don't believe me then watch," 
as he throws the lobsters back into the water.  
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters 
and show me that they will come out of the water." 
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a
tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran
Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with 
meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, 
trucks, and aircraft. The Germans took so long in building 
their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than
enough time to observe and report it. The day finally came 
when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank.
And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed
the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, 
and dropped a large .......... wooden bomb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
 is not a nice person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS
1. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down
because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a 
food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away.
2. Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though,
they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the 
scene and drove home.
...with the chain still attached to the machine.
...with their bumper still attached to the chain.
...with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the  bumper.
3. A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, 
which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. 
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.00.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, 
was a crime committed?]
4. As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man 
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately 
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description 
of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended
the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there 
for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer...that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."
5. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home 
parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained 
for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next
to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said
that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his
hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner 
of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to 
Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose 
with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) 
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming "US Air 2771, 
Where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie'
taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop Right There!
I Know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's 
and D's, but get it right". Continuing her lashing to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,
"God, you've messed everything up; it'll take forever
to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until
I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about a half hour and I want you to go
Exactly Where I Tell You, When I tell you, 
and How I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771.
No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her
current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment
of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the
silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on a stretcher next 
to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans
over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsil out
and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep
and when you wake  up, they give you lots of 
Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done 
when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should not confuse your career with your life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An example of "Trust me, we will take care of you"
NEW COMPANY POLICIES:
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE - We will no longer 
accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY - Operations are now banned. As long as 
you are an employee here, You need all your organs. 
You should not consider removing anything. We hired 
you intact.  To have something removed constitutes
a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE - This is no excuse for 
missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, 
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should 
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow 
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 
one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to 
keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH - This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your
duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE - Entirely too much time is being spent 
in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of 
going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names 
begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who names 
being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on.
If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary
to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time 
with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a 
strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, and the stall door open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE - The following helpful guide has
been prepared to help our employees better understand 
their paychecks:
Item                 Amount
Gross pay              $1,222.02
Income tax            $244.40
Outgo tax              $45.21
State tax                 $11.61
Interstate tax          $61.10
County tax             $6.11
City tax                  $12.22
Rural tax                $4.44
Back tax                 $1.11
Front tax                $1.16
Side tax                  $1.61
Up tax                    $2.22
Down tax               $1.11
Tic-Tacs                 $1.98
Thumbtacks           $3.93
Carpet tacks           $0.98
Stadium tax            $0.69
Flat tax                   $8.32
Surtax                    $3.46
Corporate tax         $2.60
Parking fee            $5.00
F.I.C.A.                 $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund        $9.95
Life insurance        $5.85
Health insurance    $16.23
Dental insurance    $4.50
Mental insurance    $4.33
Reassurance           $0.11
Disability                $2.50
Ability                    $0.25
Liability                  $3.41
Unreliability            $10.99
Coffee                    $6.85
Coffee Cups           $66.51
Floor rental            $16.85
Chair rental            $0.32
Desk rental             $4.32
Union dues             $5.85
Union don'ts           $3.77
Cash advance         $0.69
Cash retreats           $121.35
Overtime                $1.26
Undertime               $54.83
Eastern time            $9.00
Central time            $8.00
Mountain time         $7.00
Pacific time             $6.00
Time Out                $12.21
Oxygen                   $10.02
Water                      $16.54
Heat                        $51.42
Cool air                  $26.83
Hot air                    $20.00
Miscellaneous         $113.29
Sundry                   $12.09
Various                   $8.01
Net Take Home Pay   $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. 
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternations, or input 
should be directed elsewhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Jimmy Durante......Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. you're on Candid Camera
26. he is us
SCORING:
24-26 correct - 50+ years old
20-23 correct - 40's
15-19 correct - 30's
10-14 correct - 20's
0- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell me how much you know of the sufferings of your 
fellow men and I will tell how much you have loved them.
*********************************
To be doing what is good can be the greatest obstacle to doing
something even better. We may understand only with hindsight 
why we were called to do something different.
*********************************
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to 
bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he 
asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle 
costing $50.00.  "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she
returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something 
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
**********************************
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping 
the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab
when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where 
one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the 
other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can 
get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but
realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without
incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient.
"You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. 
Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, 
"I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
*********************************
Upon sitting down for dinner this past Sunday, my 6-year-old 
daughter Emma asked why the television was on in the adjacent 
room. I explained to her that I'd been watching the Redskins lose
and Tiger Woods win while she was taking a pre-dinner walk
with her grandmother.  Here's the conversation that followed:
Emma: "Daddy, is Tiger Woods the best golfer in the universe?"
Me:   "Well, he's probably the best golfer in the world, and some 
       people think that he's the best golfer ever."
Emma: "Does he get a gigantic castle for his prize then?" 
Me:   "No, but he could probably buy one with all the money he wins."
Emma: "How much does he win?"
Me:   "Hmmm" (while trying to put it in terms she'd understand)
Emma: "Does he win enough to buy a house?"
Me:   "Good question -- he could probably buy a new house 
EVERY TIME he wins!"
Emma: "Daddy -- why don't YOU play golf?"  
*********************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 
30 years, he happily retired.  Several years later his company 
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they 
were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. 
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
fixed, but to no avail.  In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day 
studying the huge machine.  At the end of the day he marked a 
small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and 
proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".  The part was 
replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for 
his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his 
charges.  The engineer responded briefly:
      One chalk mark .. ..... .....      $1
      Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
***********************************                       
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging 
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. 
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you 
put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet 
a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow 
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet !
Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 
"All right. Get in."
***********************************
One day George grew very sick. As his wife approached
him he looked up and smiled. She began to cry but she
tried to hold back her tears. When she built up her
courage she said "George, During the 47 years that we
were married, I was always with you. During the flood
that destroyed the house, I was with you. When you had
heart surgery, I was with you. When our financial
problems were depressing you, I was with you. When the
fire burnt down our house, I was with you. And now
that you are about to die, I am with you."  Then man
nodded his head and replied in a soft weak voice "you
were with me all those times Mildred. Maybe you are
just bad luck."
***********************************
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND....................
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: 
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: 
After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.
 
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: 
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
 
QUICKSAND WARNING: 
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will
be drowned. By order of the District Council.
 
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: 
Anyone leaving their garments here for more 
than 30 days will be disposed of.
 
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.
 
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
 
NOTICE IN A FIELD:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but the bull charges.
 
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: 
If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.
 
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard
on the door - the bell doesn't work)
************************************
A man was waiting in the doctor's office.  The doctor came in 
and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. 
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do 
brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front 
and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever 
brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the 
woman's brain is $30,000.00."
The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large
difference between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."
****************************************
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and
came upon a casket containing a mummy.  After examining it,
he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. 
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who
died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.  
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in.  We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.  
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy.  There was a piece of paper in his hand 
that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
*************************************
Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room, while
their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first
man, "Congratulations!  You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the 
Twin Star Enterprise!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man,
"You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the
3M Corporation!"
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his 
wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!  I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints.  When he comes to, the others
ask, "What's wrong?" "What's wrong?!  I work for Seven-Up!"
************************************

God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.
**********************************
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.  If you want 
happiness for a day, go fishing.  If you want happiness for
a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, 
help somebody.         Chinese proverb
**********************************
The best is perhaps what we understand the least. C. S. Lewis 
**********************************
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.  She replied,
"I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know.....  I don't eat cats."
***********************************
Diversity ...... As we know, we see discrimination in some form
or another almost everyday and often times it leaves a sour taste
in our mouths. The following story shows us the side of diversity
that we are all working for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there 
are companies and individuals who face discrimination head on, 
if only one small step at a time. 
Enjoy reading the positive side of diversity...
I applaud British Airways for their action in this situation on a
British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, 
well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next
to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to 
complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem 
Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said 
"You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this
disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. 
"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll 
go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or
first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged 
black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding
passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with
the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help
but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied
grin: "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.
I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess
continues ... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of 
upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission 
from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain 
felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next
to such an obnoxious person." With which, she turned to the
black man sitting next to the woman, and said: "So if you'd like
to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood
and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walks up to
the front of the plane.
 .. people will forget what you said ....
 .. people will forget what you did ....
 .. but people will never forget how you made them feel
*************************************
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in
his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a 
driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or 
significant other.
DANGEROUS:  What's for dinner?
SAFER:  Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER:  Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:  Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:  Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:  Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:  You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:  Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:  I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST:  I've always loved you in that robe.
*******************************
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received 
a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You 
look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, 
aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained
her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
************************************
An inter-office softball game was held every year between the
marketing and support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, 
they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the
2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but
one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a
rather dismal season, winning only one game."
************************************
A businessman walked into the New York airport, carrying his 
briefcase and two suitcases.  He went up to the checkin window 
to - naturally - check in.  The cashier asked, "And where will 
you and your luggage be flying today, sir?"
He replied, "Well, I'm flying to Denver, but," pointing at each 
item of luggage in sequence, "I want this sent to Seattle, this 
sent to Los Angeles, and this sent to Miami."
The cashier blinked, somewhat taken aback, and eventually
managed to say, "I'm afraid we can't do that for you, sir."
To which the businessman replied,
"Why not?  You did the last time."
*************************************
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, 
"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it 
doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to 
the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That 
isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, 
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, 
never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't 
have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what 
was it she wanted?"
"Rain."
********************************* 
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother 
had to go out to run some errands.
The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby
wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he 
decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done
to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the
baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is
good for up to 10 lbs.!"
************************************
Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at 
an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you 
are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, 
what would you like to hear them say about you?" 
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a 
great doctor of my time, and a great family man." 
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful 
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our 
children of tomorrow." 
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... 
LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
***********************************
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and
one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, 
I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: 
"Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." 
 
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children 
what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 
'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'" 

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. 
His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." 
 
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran
up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea
gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?"
the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. 
My son thought a moment and then said,
"And God threw him back down?" 

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to 
our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the 
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say 
what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed
her head and said:
"Dear Lord, why on earth did I : invite all these people to dinner?" 
**********************************
**********************************
 
 Signs written to make you read them twice:
Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you
a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. 
Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:  "If we see smoking we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office: "If you don't see what your looking
for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
**********************************
A blind man and his seeing-eye dog went into a department
store. Suddenly, the man grabbed the dog by the tail and 
started swinging it 'round and 'round in the air above his head.
A clerk in the store saw this and rushed over to the man.  
"What are you doing?" the clerk gasped.
"Oh, just looking around," said the blind man.
**********************************
1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem
   cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to
   hook it to a water source.  Air doesn't make good ice unless it is
   mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, 
   it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
   underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
   Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them
   both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the
    company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate
    English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get
    an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have
    to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
***************************************
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it 
broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, 
when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.
After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the
old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge 
to the nearest garage.
A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the
Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, 
the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow
down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver
started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.
At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and 
started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned
green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. 
Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.
As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. 
The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go 
by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he
decided to radio for help:
"You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar 
doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them
flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"
*****************************************
 For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, 
you may want to know why they really have a lot in 
common with cats:
1.   Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads 
      when you call them by name.
2.   No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.  
      Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to 
      compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand 
      and foot.
3.    You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with 
      an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no 
      teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in 
      public with his or her parents.
4.    Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your 
      cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5.    No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6.    Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for 
      hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7.    Cats have nine lives.  Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8.    Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, 
      communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of 
      complete and utter boredom.
9.    Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10.   Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been 
      known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead  
      animal in your bedroom. 
      Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are 
not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to 
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above 
all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their 
direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to 
you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant 
moment for all concerned.
**************************************
To My Darling Husband,
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company 
envelope so you'll be sure to read it.  Please forgive 
the deception, but I thought you should know what's been 
going on since your computer entered our lives two
years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, 
Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts.  
He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the 
figures were good but yours was excellent!
The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would 
be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She 
looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive 
child and quite smart.  She still remembers that you spent 
the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand 
day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the 
electricity was out.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since 
I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the 
feather duster made you sneeze. 
The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last 
spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to 
cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip 
and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to 
take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in 
order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the 
computer room just the way you like it.  
I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are 
gone. Tommy, Jen and I think of you often.  Try to remember 
us while your disks are booting.
Love, Mary
**********************************
 Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers 
smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
 she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
 plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
************************************
Nine ways NOT to start your police report.
(From American Police Beat, a magazine for cops)
1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
2. The names contained in this report have been changed 
to protect the innocent ...
3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto 
Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" 
for my homeys in the command staff ...
5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist.
The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing
intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
6. Got call.  Responded.  Arrested bad guy.  The end.
7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act
suspishushly...
8. The suspect then tried to assualt me by repeatedly
slamming his face into my fist ...
9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... 
*****************************************
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle, when I
noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was
meeting a very important client that was also flying to Seattle with
me, but she was running a bit late.
Being the fairly forward person I am, I approached Mr. Gates and
introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some
very important business, and how I would really appreciate it if he
could throw a quick 'Hello Chris' at me while I was with my client.
He agreed.
Ten minutes later when I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap
on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at
him.
He said "Hey Chris, what's happening?"
I replied, "Take a hike Gates. I'm in a meeting."
**********************************
President Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog.
Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and
asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all
want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided
that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep
the dog."
Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into
a ten minute sermon against lying,beginning, "Don't you boys know
it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy
gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.
********************************
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP..." behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright
coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...
"BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..."
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces
quickly after him ....... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin
crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door.
Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something,
anything ... all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin...
and...
of course...
the coffin stops!
*******************************
*******************************