A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note . . . "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The $5000 Loan A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!! A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her cars tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ..."HELLLLLO".... "You need to roll up the windows first!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DIET A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping." RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." FASHION POLICE A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a cardigan!" SPACEY A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!" The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" HELP!!! An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room? "Why not?" the captain asked. "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blonde Breakdown A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. And she said... "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. She moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home." Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she's hands the ticket to the manager and he reads . . . WIN A BAGEL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde phones her boyfriend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it". Her boyfriend asks, "What's the puzzle of?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He looks and she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these into the tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and then, put all these damned Frosted Flakes back in the box." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two blondes were walking through the woods and cam upon a set of tracks. One a blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blond with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" She answered, "The jerk called back!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Blonde. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY." ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...she studied for a blood test. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money! ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me? The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50? The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No .... I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~