"Knowing the Bible is one thing. Knowing the Author is another!" 

"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day 
            that they completely miss today's sunshine." 

The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone. 

The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair.  
When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, 
"I hope you'll go easy on me.  You know, I'm only a poor preacher." 
"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"  


At his first service, the new preachers sermon was extremely long and dull.  
As he preached, he drank from pitcher of water until it was completely gone. 
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, 
"How did you like the new pastor?" 
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."  


Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars 
per person.  "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."  
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, 
"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"  


A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown 
on her face.  "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality. 
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us." 
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother. 
"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, 
and it never once mentions Minneapolis."  


SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR CHILD RIGHT!
One day, a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. 
The Teacher was explaining evolution to the children. 
The Teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist. 
A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The Teacher agreed. 
The little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one!
II CORINTHIANS 5:7 " FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT "


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, 
kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were
unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there 
would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... 
and left it there all night!


It was testimony night in the church.  
A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand.  
I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, 
"It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow 
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; 
it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 


Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead 
their case to enter the pearly gates. 
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room.  We tried our best to help 
patients, even though occasionally we did lose one.  I think I deserve to go to heaven." 
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room.  It's a very high stress 
environment and we do our best.  Sometimes the patients are too sick and we 
lose them, but overall we try very hard." 
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. 
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." 
St. Peter looks at her file.  He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away 
at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes 
St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, 
"Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ...for five days!" 


There were three country churches in a small Texas town:
Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. 
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church 
called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and 
consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and 
they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to 
harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective 
solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. 
Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.


Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times.  
Now she stood before the Pearly Gates.  
The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, 
then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker.  Why?  
This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied.  "It's one for the money, two for the show, 
three to make ready and four to go." 


Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some 
shubbery was on fire.  He banged on the rectory door and told the woman 
who opened it she'd better call the fire department.  She ran to the phone, 
and he heard her place the call.  She identified herself, gave the location, 
and explained the situation. 
"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, 
"that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"  


A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave 
overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was 
lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but 
being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually." 
The helicopter flew off.
After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again the man told them to go 
away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his soul drifted up to heaven, 
he said to Saint Peter, "Why didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a lifeboat! What more did you want?"