"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it." 
               --Charles M. Schulz 

Strangely enough, this is all true.  I had heart bypass surgery.  
For recovery, they have you do an exercise program.  
So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising.  
I reply, "Yes.  Religiously." 
"How is it going?" 
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..." 
"Once a week?" 
"Yeah, you know, religiously.  Just like church.  Every seven days."  


Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall."
It actually read "Beef Recall."  
The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States.  
Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, 
leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death. 
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?  


The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.  
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil!  
Let him know how little you think of his evil!" 
The dying man said nothing.  The priest repeated his order.  
Still the dying man said nothing.  
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" 
The dying man said, 
"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."  


Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better 
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,"THAT'S IT! 
I have had enough. I am going to give you a test that will run for two hours, 
and from the results, I will judge who does the better job." 
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. 
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. 
They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. 
They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. 
They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. 
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. 
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across 
the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. 
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in 
the underworld. Jesus just sighed. 
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. 
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 
It's gone! It's all GONE!!" I lost everything when the power went out!" 
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the 
past two hours of work. 
Satan observed this and became irate. Wait!" he screamed. 
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" 
God just shrugged and said,   "Jesus saves ... " 


Father Norton woke up on a Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally 
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. 
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say
Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town 
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally 
meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. 
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! 
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from 
the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just 
short of the green, bounced on, and rolled straight up to and into the hole.
IT WAS A  385 YARD HOLE-IN-ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" 
But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"  
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the 
Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."  
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo.  
The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and 
terrify them with your Storm."  
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are 
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." 
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it.  
As proof, they cite a verse in St.  John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, 
"For I did not speak of my own Accord..." 
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible
passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."  
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler, "Joshua's 
Triumph was heard throughout the land." 
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda, 
"The Apostles were in one Accord." 


There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, 
could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an 
idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood 
and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. 
She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. 
Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. 
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted 
to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. 
Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, 
"Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!" 
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy 
that the abbey is warm?" 
Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."  


Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect 
said:  "Let me see if I've got this right. 
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every 
waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a 
sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe 
them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. 
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check
their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. 
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, 
how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. 
I am to check their heads for! lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs 
of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, 
even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. 
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal 
education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. 
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, 
newsletter and report card. 
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, 
a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family 
for food stamps! 
You want me to do all of this and yet , you expect me..... NOT TO PRAY?"  


A Christian once visited a farmer to talk to him about Christ.
"I wouldn't come to church up there." the farmer said. 
"I know old so and so (insert a name) church goer who claims to be a Christian 
and So and So (insert another name) church goer who claims to be a Christian 
and they don't live any differently from me. I'm as good as they are." 
Everywhere the farmer went he told about the hypocrites in that Church. 
Months passed and the Christian went to see the farmer again. 
"I want to buy a hog", said the Christian. 
The farmer showed all his best hogs to him. Then they came to the runt.
"I believe I will take that one" the, Christian said. 
The farmer replied, "BUT you don't want that one. 
        He's the worst runt to the litter."  
"I sure do" said the Christian. So they loaded the runt in the truck.
"Now" said the Christian, "what if I take this pig here from your farm and 
ride all over this area telling folks that this is the kind of hogs you raise?"  
"That's not fair!" the farmer exclaimed. 
         "I have some nice hogs and you want to show people that runt?!"
The Christian replied, "If it's fair for the church it's fair for the farm!" 


Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, 
aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and 
spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 
and he lost his left arm.  
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to
soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as 
a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to 
villages across the continent.  
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a 
silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to 
administer last rites to those too severely injured to move. 
Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple 
injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  
The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition 
characterized by purplish skin blotches.  
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, 
mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. 
No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


The Heart 
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..." 
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted. 
The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, 
to see how much damage has been done..." 
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy. 
The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. "When I see how much 
damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan 
what to do next." 
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns 
all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart." 
The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart. 
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. 
And I'll find out if I can make you well." 
"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there." 
The surgeon left. 
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "
...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration. 
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure.  Therapy: painkillers and bed rest.
Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one year." 
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. 
"Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and 
You've cursed him to an early death. Why?" 
The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your 
flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. 
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot 
imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, 
and My flock will continue to grow." 
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. 
"You created that boy, and You created that heart. 
He'll be dead in months. Why?" 
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has 
done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to 
retrieve another lost lamb." 
The surgeon wept.. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat 
across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?" 
"Yes," said the surgeon. 
"What did you find?" asked the boy. 
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon. 
Author Unknown