"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound." 

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to 
her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." 
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" 
The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" 
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied. 
"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" 
Again the mother replied, "Yes." 
"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, 
wouldn't He show through?" 


A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program:
"What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," 
the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the 
sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. 
The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" 
the interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, 
"we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."


The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride 
of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all 
and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for
the shopping. All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was 
so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly
place to park. 
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy.  
"You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out." 
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping 
quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten,
twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? 
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. 
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?" 
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"


Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir.  
From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing 
dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the 
porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe?  Don't you 
like my singing?" 
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the 
neighbors know I'm not beating you." 


A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet 
store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug), which 
came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found 
a good location for the  box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet 
to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today, we will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a 
few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and 
receive blessings."  But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. 
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He  decided to ask
him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and 
shouting, "Hey, in there!  
Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!"
A little voice came out of the box:..
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."


Novice Immerser
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for 
the first time baptism by immersion.  He was greatly interested in it, and the next 
morning proceeded to baptize...  you guessed it, his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but
the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got 
away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded 
with the "ceremony." But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, 
and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the 
floor in disgust and said: 
"Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

The rabbi of a very poor temple was trying to figure out why his congregation 
was so poor and the Roman Catholic church down the block was so well off.  
Then, in comes his son. 
The rabbi decides to send his son to the RC church on Sunday on the chance that 
he could get some idea how they collected so much money. 
The son comes back and says "It's easy pop!  There is a guy in special robes on
the stage in the front of the church, and he turns to the audience and hollers 
'I bet I can beat you in a game of dominos.' 
Then a guy in the balcony answers 'I bet you I can beat YOU in a game of dominos.'" 
The rabbi asks "so, what do they do then?" 
The boy says "then a bunch of fellows go up and down the aisles 
collecting the bets in baskets!" 


A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side of the road, 
pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, Leave us alone, you religious nuts!
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, 
Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?


A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. 
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, 
I'd take it and pour it into the river." 
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, 
I'd take it and pour it into the river." 
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, 
he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river." 
Sermon complete, he sat down. 
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River." 


A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.  
She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.  
As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type 
of funeral service she wanted, etc.  
She told her pastor she had two final requests.  
First, she wanted to be cremated, 
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.  
"Bloomindales!" the pastor said.  "Why Bloomindales?"   
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."  


The elders of our church recently had to ask someone to no longer attend 
Westside Bible Church. This person’s name?  - “Someone Else.”
Recently too many people at our church have been counting on Someone Else 
to do the work of some of our ministries that require a team of volunteers.  
This is not to say that there aren’t a good number of people at the church 
carrying out individual ministries and roles, but other programs and needs 
at the church - such as Sunday school, junior church, junior and senior high 
youth groups, church cleaning and more - require a team of people to make 
them truly successful.  When increasing numbers of church members and 
attendees depend on Someone Else to do these ministries, the toll is a gradual 
drain of discouragement on those who have agreed to lead them.
During our elders’ recent search for deacons and deaconesses to head up some 
of our church’s team based ministries, we ran into some walls of unwillingness.  
The walls encountered were not unwillingness to serve by leading but rather
unwillingness to run ministries alone or understaffed.  This is not surprising. 
In reality, when too many people leave to Someone Else what they could do 
(or at least try) themselves, it is leaders who feel the burden and pressure to
take on extra.  And too often they do.
To replace Someone Else, the Elders have visited with and are recommending 
that “Nobody” be made a member of the church.  Nobody has gladly agreed to 
do what others can do but aren’t.  Now when there aren’t enough people to 
teach Sunday school or junior church on a given Sunday, Nobody will teach 
the children.  Likewise, if not enough people volunteer to clean the church for 
a certain week or on a work day, Nobody will be tidying it up.  Nobody will 
also run our youth groups if others don’t volunteer to help sponsor and plan 
their meetings.
Some might wonder why we would let Nobody do so much when with 
Someone Else at least there is a chance of something actually getting done.  
The answer is this.  Church ministry, done in service to Christ, is about 
people not programs.  When ministry is left to Someone Else, there can 
be a lot of activity by a few, but the few also pay a heavy price and in the 
end using those few people to run a program is simply immoral.  
At Westside Bible Church we don’t use people up to do things in the 
name of God.  We would rather, and we will, let Nobody do it all and 
let some be accountable to God for not doing what they should have.