I set out to find a friend but couldn't find one; 
I set out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.

There are two rules for success in life: 
Rule 1:  Don't tell people everything you know.  


It was a formal banquet.  The minister had just finished saying grace when 
a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap. 
The clergyman silently sizzled, then said in anguished tones, 
"Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?"


A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.   
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started 
the discussion by asking him, 
"Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?" 
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids.  It's three dollars a pound!'" 


Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service at their church.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
Her friend leaned over and said, "I know. I heard it snore three times."


 For all of you who have ever had to stifle laughter during a prayer or sermon:
A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord" he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous
look on his upturned face.  "Without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment, a very obedient daughter
(who was listening) leaned over to her mother and asked quite loudly in
her shrill little girl voice, Mom, what is butt dust?"


Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. 
When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to 
become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's 
bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to 
become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" 
The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants 
to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" 
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."


Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on 
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game.  
When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, 
"Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?" 
"Yes, Father," answered the man, 
"I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon." 
"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and
then and keeping me posted on the game?" 
"Sure thing." 
Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, 
"Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago.  
Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."  


After getting all of Billy Graham's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Mr. Graham is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Mr. Graham," says the driver, "would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says Mr. Graham, "they never let me
drive anymore, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?," protests the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says Mr. Graham.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as Billy Graham climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, Mr. Graham floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, sir!!!" pleads the worried driver, but Billy keeps
the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, man, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
Billy pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Then the Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked,
"Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: " He's got Billy Graham for a limo driver!"


Church Bulletin Bloopers:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually 
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at 
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon 
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the 
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled 
due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile 
at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't 
care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving 
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all 
the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more 
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests 
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the 
choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the 
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church 
hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" 
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several 
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased 
person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, 
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may 
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across 
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are 
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would 
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self 
Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please 
use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan 
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."