Quick Quotes "He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake." --Raymond Chandler "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" --Mark Twain "He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead." --Voltaire "Happy Birthday to Jessica Simpson who turned 25 years old on Sunday. Jessica threw a surprise party for herself - and it worked. She had no idea!" --Jay Leno "If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that." --Milton Jones "I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." --Marcus Brigstocke If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert "There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." --James Truslow Adams "Lance Armstrong, who of course, won his seventh Tour de France, now says he just wants to lay around the house and drink beer. What a lazy bastard this guy turned out to be." --Jay Leno "Martha Stewart gets her anklet bracelet removed in two weeks. Finally...she can now come over to my place." --Dave Letterman "President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien Noise Abatement "Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?" Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it. Ransom A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late." "Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap." Got Bugs? My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives." Things your Mother would NEVER say... 1. Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too. 2. Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day. 3. That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse. 4. Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper. 5. The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here. 6. Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad. 7. Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? 8. Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble. Understanding Men 1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relation- ship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even retired General Schwartzkopf. 3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" 7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Names and Puns .......... I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser Genie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant Tinseltown Tales: Holly Wood Ready...Set...: Sadie Word Raising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist Skunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew I'm Fine: Howard Yu The Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary Mensa Man: Gene Yuss Tear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn Mexican Revenge: Monty Zuma The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp Oneliners ................ Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. The most adorable bride of today will be someone's mother-in-law in the future. Punctual people have nothing better to do. People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot! Nothing tastes as good as slim feels. Save time . . . see it my way. The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional. People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health. Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan. Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe. Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. The closest some people ever get to a 4.0 in school is their blood alcohol content. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!" Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me. An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"? If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way. 18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you. Today is the last day of your life, so far. No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public. One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in. I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck. No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it. The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave. If you're a cop... ...Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report: 1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... 2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ... 3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ... 4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ... 5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ... 6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end. 7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly... 8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ... 9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ... Friendly Dog? One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office. Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?" "Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?" Volvo for Women Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC, 'Your Concept Car.' Among its cutting-edge femifeatures: -- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute. -- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command, all retail outlets within 500 miles -- Permanent press fenders. -- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions. -- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.