Quick Quotes   
"When I walked out here before, I saw all the screaming girls out here, 
     and then I remembered -- oh, yeah, Al Gore is on the show!" --Jay Leno 
"President Bush is about to start his annual month long vacation at his 
        ranch in Texas. He goes there to unwind. I'm thinking, does 
         this guy ever wind?" --Dave Letterman 
"Today President Bush met with the American Association of Newspaper 
          Editors. He thanked everyone for Marmaduke." --Conan O'Brien 

Dumb Quotes   
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." 
       - Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm 
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing -- but none 
       of them serious."  - Alan Minter, Boxer 
"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way 
      that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place
       if it's true lightness." - Alicia Silverstone, Actress 
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being 
       shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL 
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his 
       pockets while biting his nails." - AP report on Fresno State basketball 
          coach Jerry Tarkanian 
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one 
         word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach 
"The Internet is a great way to get on the net." 
         - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate 
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer 


What this Retired Man has to Say about Life...   
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
 that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage 
door opener. 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people 
didn't like me anyway. 
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have 
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it' 
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, 
and call it "Pumping Rust." 
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. 
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! 
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" 
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case 
of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures 
on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver 
the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more 
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. 
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. 


Physics   
One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated 
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have 
to learn this stuff?" 
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. 
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics 
save lives?" he persisted. 
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor. 


Tough Exam   
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after 
a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. 
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked 
up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything 
we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." 
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. 
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the 
existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and 
finished in less than a minute. 
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered 
how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. 
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" 
 

Bad Analogies   
...from a high school essay 
7) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. 
6) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots 
         when you fry them in hot grease. 
5) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this 
        guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." 
4) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy 
         field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland
          at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. 
           at a speed of 35 mph. 
3) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds 
         who had also never met. 
2) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal 
          being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. 
1) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. 

 
The Life of a Dog   
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite! 
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite! 
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite! 
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite! 
 
The Life of a Cat   Day 283 Of My Captivity. 
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. 
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. 
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild 
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. 
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. 
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while 
they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. 
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again 
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. 
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to 
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into 
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little 
cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. 
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in 
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell 
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due 
to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it 
to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and 
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than 
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand 
has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. 
I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement 
in the metal room, his safety is assured. 
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... 

 
An Old Farmer's Advice   
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. 
Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance. 
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. 
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. 
Every path has a few puddles. 
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. 
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. 
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
Always drink upstream from the herd. 
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 


Signing the Declaration...   
A school teacher was quizzing her students. 
"Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" 
He said, "Darn if I know." 
She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home
and to bring his father with him when he came back. 
Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. 
She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. 
"Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" 
"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." 
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, 
"Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"  


Facts about Men   
We might have run these before, but in case you missed -- they're a hoot: 
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's. 
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. 
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. 
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 
Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table. 
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. 
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken. 
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. 
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. 
Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. 


Aerospace Industry   
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain 
just what kind of work I do. 
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before 
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was 
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor." 
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory 
to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put 
up mainly? Chain-link?" 


Tommy and Math   
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; 
tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. 
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local 
Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious 
look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his 
room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and 
little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner 
and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word 
and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. 
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand 
what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. 
He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. 
With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got 
an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: 
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his 
head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, 
the uniforms, WHAT was it?" 
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw 
that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." 


A microbiologist, a chemist, and the laboratory director are walking to lunch 
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff 
of smoke.  The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give you each one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the microbiologist. "I want to be in the Bahamas, 
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the chemist. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of  Pina 
Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the lab director. The director says, 
"I want those two back in the lab after lunch 

 
Multiple Meanings   
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
        two-letter word, and that is "UP." 
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, 
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, 
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers 
UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? 
We call UP ! our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP! 
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP 
the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word 
has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, 
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing 
but to be dressed UP is special. 
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is 
stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized 
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about 
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the 
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't 
give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens 
to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is 
clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. 
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. 
One could go on and on, but I'll! wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, 
so..........Time to shut UP! 
Oh...one more thing: 
What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U-P