Quick Quotes "Sylvester Stallone is going to make "Rocky: 6"...I believe in this one he's going to fight Angela Lansbury." --Jay Leno "Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s." "The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life." --Jerry Seinfeld "Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen -- imagine what this place would be like if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?" --Jay Leno "Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien Credit Card Did you ever get rejected for a credit card? I did years ago. I had just started my new job out of college. I felt responsible enough to handle my own credit card so I applied for an American Express card. Weeks later I received a letter stating that my job was not good enough to be accepted for the card. Funny enough, I was employed at American Express. After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply". Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply." One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see we're adders." The carpenters worked well together because they were on the same level. Horses have six legs because they have forelegs in front and two legs behind. The violinist visited the doctor because he was high-strung. TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! A lot of trees were dying, but they needed to figure out the root of the problem. If your nose runs and your feet smell, do you know what is the matter with you? You are built upside down. My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!" The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?" A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks." The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS." A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." The body of any organization has four bones: 1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work; 2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else; 3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do; 4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work. Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish." Brilliance Revealed While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north, because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped in the car. She keeps it in the trunk. My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman wearing a nose ring joined by a chain to her left ear ring. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey." I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" --- These people all vote. !!! --- Crucial Advice I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance. I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself? Clever Puns Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. One-liners The first Ten Commandments are the hardest. People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. A word of advice...don't give it. If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote? I am logged in...therefore, I am. A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car. Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb. To belittle is to be little. When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there. Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot. The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts. I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages. A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs. Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other. Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial? Actual Newspaper Headlines (we can only assume!) 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Farmer Bill Dies in House 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 6. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 7. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 8. Eye Drops off Shelf 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 11. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 15. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 17. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 18. War Dims Hope for Peace 19. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 20. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 21. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 22. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 23. Deer Kill 17,000 24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 25. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 26. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 27. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 30. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 31. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 33. Include your Children When Baking Cookies 34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.