"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso Quick Quotes "Did you all see the guy at Yankee Stadium that jumped from the upper deck into the net that catches the foul balls? He jumped like 50 feet. How can anyone get that drunk off $8 beers!" -- Dave Letterman "Yesterday Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride had to cut the lawn of a city building as part of her community service. However, she was using a riding mower and was in Arizona by the evening." -- Conan O'Brien "Today after President Bush signed the new transportation bill he said that it's not enough to just pass the law - he said now "people have to show up to do the work." Then he went back to his five-week vacation." -- Jay Leno "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret "As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it." --Sam Ewing There's a new voice-activated remote control that's changing the way people watch TV. For instance, you can say, 'I want to watch 'Joey,'' and the remote will laugh for up to 30 seconds." --Craig Ferguson A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients." Cruise Control My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while." "Tom who?" I asked. My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course." Quick Thinking A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem"thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day." A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up. "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?" Dangerous Golf James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped like a ton of bricks! James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens!" exclaimed James. "What should I do?" "Don't move him!" cautioned his partner. "If we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away." Morning Paper I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified section, though." I said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!" She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels." How to start your day with a positive outlook. 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better? Learning Numbers The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack." My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?" He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?" With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!" Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response. "What have you got for collateral?" "Don't know collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "Don't know, has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put in tepee." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked. "Don't know deposit." "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?" When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!" Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor. He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo. An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?" "Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!" Dumbest Quotes Ever Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH) "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, former US president (to perhaps be fair, we'll do Bushisms another day) "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, former US Vice President "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Interesting Unofficial Laws But they're true... "The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor. "Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists. "Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't. "Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. "Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. Funny motor insurance claims "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight" "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again." "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way." "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face." "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have." "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him." "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before." "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him." "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth." "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end." "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. " "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before." "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car." "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal." "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert." "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries." "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him." "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle." "My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."