When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station! "The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis." "I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!" If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn? "Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense." - Robert Frost Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!" Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is." My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car. One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!" I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper." Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing. I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?" Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?" PC Statements Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." PC Statements FOR STUDENTS... The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive." Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway." An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail. He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'" One day a certain lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly and said, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck." The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza." Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp." On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it. "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "...underwater." Something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine. . Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade" On Marriage ............... "Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning." "Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin "Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him." "A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman "Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you', after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'." "By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates "A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?' " "It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it." "The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal "A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne "Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur Baer "Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry "You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced." "If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson "The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it." "The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding." "A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings "Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it." "If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman "Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke." "Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales." "There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage." "In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters "No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe "The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement. Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis." She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?" A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water. "Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while." One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!" A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert. "Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water." "Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties." "What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you." The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed. The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!" A Dickson County farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine,"? asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...." I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I'm fine!" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrol that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feeling? Now what the Hell would you say?" Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!" A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?" "Beef tongue," replies the butcher! The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!" The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"