The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!" "I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that." A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!" "If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees." You know you're a bona fide Catholic, Lutheran or Episcopalian, when you're watching Star Wars, and when you hear "May the Force be with you" you have an overwhelming urge to respond "and also with you". "In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. -- Bruce Clark A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing. "Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?" "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke." Going to Heaven I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!" "It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about." Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?" "Yes, they are!" I answered proudly. "They adopted?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small." A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible. A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?" "Every word," she replied. "OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?" "Absolutely," she said. "What about God creating the universe in six days?" "All true, I believe every word." "What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks. "Yes, I believe that too," she says. "Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?" " I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." "What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks. The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!" There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu. While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little shocked. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered." Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily exercise stroll. They were talking about how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older, something with which all you youths must deal eventually. One woman complained that she remained an 'apple-shape' and the other said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much poundage on her backside and thighs. It almost seemed like it was there to stay. Her buddy agreed, saying, "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways." King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan. Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."