A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning  
That was about half the usual length of his sermons. 
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very 
fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was 
unable to deliver this morning." 
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands 
with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, 
"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to 
get one to give to my minister!" 

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at 
Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the 
magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: 
"You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor 
and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of 
cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." 
After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving. 
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at 
him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, 
you were a real pane!" 
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting 
the children's message.  Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some 
magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each 
of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of 
the community of the faithful).  Like the pictures in the windows, it takes 
many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. 
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." 
And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. 
And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." 
It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.


Some points to ponder......
Today I will not worry, unless I see the animals lining up two-by-two.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. 
          It could be a right number. 
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 
"You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton." 
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, 
and the center of attention." 

"It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the 
knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about." 

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who 
            gets the credit." - Harry S Truman 

The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!" 

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out 
to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station! 

I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's
Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't
like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.

"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a 
nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an 
accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner

A former roommate baked a coffee cake and asked me to sample it.
It was pretty tasty but I asked her what the small crunchy things 
were in the cake.  She said the recipe called for 2 cups of strong coffee. 
You guessed it.  She put two cups of pure coffee in - not perked coffee!!!  
Quite a buzzzzzzzz from that cake. 
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was 
supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. 
She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later. 
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, 
"Come and get me!" 
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home." 


Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. 
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or 
"Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or 
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." 
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, 
he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the 
freezer with his various requests. What he really likes. 
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. 
You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: 
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," 
"Something Good," or "Food." 
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband 
replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing 
my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my 
son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. 
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. 
Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?" 
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly. 
"They adopted?" he asked. 
"Yes," I replied. 
"I thought so," he concluded. 
"I figured you're too old to have kids that small." 

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting 
for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw 
a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and 
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. 
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are 
you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."  
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"  
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.  
"Which word?" the woman asked. 
"Love."  
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed 
her into Heaven.  
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her 
to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman 
was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.  
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.  "How have you been?" 
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
 "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you 
were ill.  And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house 
you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I 
traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I 
went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. 
What a bummer! How do I get in?"  
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 
"Which word?" her husband asked.  
"Czechoslovakia."

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why 
Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get. 
Then it hit me.