"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." - Plato One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away. Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff." A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and TEXAS Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman. Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport" "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention. The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." 4 short one's for the senior folks ....... Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer. A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis" Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000 On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit. "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them." Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70 points or none at all. One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He finally wrote: 1. It is a perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always available as needed. 4. It is always at the right temperature 5. It is inexpensive. 6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote: 7. It comes in such cute containers. He got an "A." Eve's Side of the Story! After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away. "And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob ! Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about a rib? Are ya havin' a Bad Day ? Well, then, consider this.............. In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. Having a Bad Day ???? here's more The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you are having a Bad Day ???? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. STILL think you're having a Bad Day ???? Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What?? STILL having a Bad Day ???? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better???? "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt" The most destructive habit..............................Worry The greatest Joy..............................................Giving The greatest loss.............................................Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work................................Helping others The ugliest personality trait.............................Selfishness The most endangered species...........................Dedicated leaders Our greatest natural resource............................Our youth The greatest "shot in the arm"............................Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome.....................Fear The most effective sleeping pill..........................Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease.......................Excuses The most powerful force in life............................Love The most dangerous pariah...................................A gossiper The world's most incredible computer..................The brain The worst thing to be without.................................Hope The deadliest weapon..............................................The tongue The two most power-filled words............................"I Can" The greatest asset.......................................................Faith The most worthless emotion.......................................Self-pity The most beautiful attire..............................................SMILE! The most prized possession......................................... Integrity The most powerful channel of communication..............Prayer The most contagious spirit............................................Enthusiasm Everyone needs this list to live by.................................pass it along!!! This is one web page you'll like. Someone put in a lot of effort to compile this. Copy and paste this line below into your web browser address line: http://www.qnet.com/~pontius/smile/smilelmp_1%5B1%5D.htm Did you like that page above? Dare you to look at this for 5 minutes solid! http://webpages.charter.net/agss241/nutsoid.html