"The reason a dog makes so many friends is 
              that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." 

"It was a beautiful day here in New York. It was so nice out that the writer of 
this joke left for the day to go to the park and didn't finish it." --Dave Letterman 


"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a 
college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high 
school are paying off." --Buzz Nutley 


We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was 
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how 
the procedure would be performed. 
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open 
during the surgery?" 
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."  


I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive
to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in 
my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. 
 "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. 
"What?" he asked.  "The wrinkles?"  


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen 
when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their 
golden wedding anniversary. 
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig." 
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take
the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." 


"The father was very proud when his son went off to college. 
He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at 
work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked. 
"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything." 
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, 
"What'll you keep it in?"  


We were four frugal young teachers. But a couple times a year we treated 
ourselves to the best Manhattan had to offer. As we approached the famous 
restaurant Lutece, we questioned whether we were dressed perfectly. 
Could we pass as urban sophisticates? 
The maitre d' met us at the door, all smiles and bows. 
When he took my raincoat, I began to look over the cozy little bar and 
anticipate the charming basket of pastry that was our appetizer. 
Then the maitre d' returned to our group, gingerly holding a fabric softener 
sheet that had fallen from my coat sleeve. 
"Madam," he said, "Your Bounce." 


Steve took his new wife camping for the first time. 
At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor- survival lore. 
One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. 
Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction; moss on the trees 
(there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). 
Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Steve spotted a small cabin 
off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, 
then turned and led his wife right back to their camp. 
"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?" 
"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country, 
all TV satellite dishes point south." 


A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 
100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them 
thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! 
Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English 
school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together 
down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner 
of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at
his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands
on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get
the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
 

The deliveryman looked over the gate towards the house which was his 
package's destination, and saw a large and aggressive-looking dog on the lawn, 
staring at him. There was also a woman looking at him from an open first-floor 
window. He shouted to the woman, "Is your dog friendly?" 
She said, "Yes." So the deliveryman opened the gate, and was promptly savaged 
by the dog. When he had been rescued from the dog, the deliveryman angrily said 
to the woman, "I thought you said your dog was friendly!" 
"He is," said the woman, "but that's not my dog." 


Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,
5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. 
Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, 
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. 
Isn't in running condition, but walks well. 
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth 
husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, 
shortness of breath not a problem. 
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga 
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing 
aids out and enjoy quiet times. 
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a 
dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. 
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were 
a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my 
boss collection of eight-track tapes. 
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you 
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 


An Old  Farmer's Advice 
All your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.  
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. 
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is  considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not  yelled. 
Meanness don't jes' happen  overnight. 
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their  heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner  than you. 
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. 
You cannot unsay a cruel word. 
Every path has a few puddles. 
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived,  not preached. 
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. 
Don't judge folks by their relatives. 
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, 
          you'll enjoy it a  second time. 
Don't interfere with somethin' that  ain't botherin' you none. 
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain  dance. 
If you find  yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches 
           you from the mirror every mornin'.  
Always drink upstream from the  herd. 
Good judgment comes from experience, 
            and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.  
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. 
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, 
            try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. 
Leave the rest to God.


Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant 
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. 
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is 
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce 
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? 
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. 
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, 
      what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an 
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man 
      and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house 
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out 
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity 
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the 
stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?