http://webpages.charter.net/agss241/nutsoid.html

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable ..........
           we are forced to change it every six months." 

"Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car 
             is probably parked." 

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, 
I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard 
him whisper conspiratorially to the child,
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked 
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, 
he was stopped by a policeman.  
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.  
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.  
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.  
"My wife," said the man.  


Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture.   
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.   
"I could," my mother told the group," 
but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."  


A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became 
eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day 
care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's
high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, 
"today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."


A goober was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was his turn.  
He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." 
His question was, 
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" 


One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" 
"It depends," she replied.  "What does it say on your shirt?" 
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."


Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall.  
She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked.  In the store she went. 
"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, 
"Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until 
my husband does something unforgivable?"  


A Blonde enters a store that sell curtains. 
She tells the salesman, "I  would  like to buy a pair of pink curtains.
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. 
He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a  hard 
time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. 
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed. 
The blond replies "fifteen inches.""Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. 
"That sounds very small, what  room are they for?"  
The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her 
computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but, Miss, 
computers do not have  curtains! The blond says, 
"Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!


A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house.  
His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.  
"What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps.  
"I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, 
I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds.  
Everything is gone.  I nearly didn't make it out of the house.  Poor Fluffy is gone..."
"Wait!  Back up a minute," the man says.  "My agent called?" 


At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.  
Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.  
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast 
and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously 
proposed marriage. 
"Look," she said.  "We only met a half hour ago.  How can you be so sure?  
We know nothing about each other." 
"You're wrong," the young man declared.  "For the past 5 years 
I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."  


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an 
older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing 
the glamorous destinations around the world. 
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in 
the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension 
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to 
a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets 
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly 
accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. 
"I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"


An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total 
eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured
by cannibals.  The eclipse is due the next day around noon.  
To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish 
the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.  
So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, 
he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. 
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when
the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture 
so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." 
"Great," the astronomer replies. 
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, 
in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."  


Unwritten Warning Labels 
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: 
         "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" 
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. 
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. 
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. 
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. 
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. 
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. 
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. 
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. 
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.  
          No meteorological warranties express or implied. 
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. 
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. 
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear. 
On alphabet blocks: Not for children.  Letters may be used to construct words, 
          phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. 


A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion 
tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, 
"Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and 
he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster.  "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump 
through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father." 


A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.  
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other 
side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer 
drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. 
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now 
I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied.  "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, 
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things 
in Texas.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" 
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he 
could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city 
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin 
and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose.  
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly 
caused him to give up. 
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and 
said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!" 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck." 


WORK vs PRISON
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer:
IN PRISON - you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK - you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON - you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK - you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON - you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK - you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON - the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK - you must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON - you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK - you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON - you get your own toilet.
AT WORK - you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON - they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK - you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON - all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK - you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they 
                      deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON - you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK - you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON - you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK - they are called managers.
No Wonder the Prisons are full !!