Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered! A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!" "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." -- Mark Twain "If at first you don't succeed, try again, then quit. No use being stupid about it." For all their lives, my three sons have been told they have to do their chores around the house. "I am NOT the maid" is a phrase they've heard many times. When my oldest went off to college, he called me after one week at school. Among the first words he heard at college, he reported, were those of the dormitory maid, announcing to a student who had not picked up after himself in the men's lavatory, "I am NOT your mother!" Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!" The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session. "Property holder?" "Yes, I am, Your Honor." "Married or single?" "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." "Formed or expressed an opinion?" "Not in twenty years, Your Honor." A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ..... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE ..... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why......... we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them... A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!" "What did you do?" asked his friends. "Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done." Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS: Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history...................... Random Thoughts from a Woman 1) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 2) Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. 3) One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 LBS. 4) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 5) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 6) The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. 7) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. 8) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 9) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 10) I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. 11) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 12) Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat," Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. 13) A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. 14) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die." 15) The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) 16) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 17) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 18) If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Motorcycle Ride There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way." 7 reasons not to mess with a child ................. 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?" 5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." 7. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead." Military Wisdom "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop