"If you see a bandwagon, it's too late." - Sir James Goldsmith 

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who 
            gets the credit." - Harry S Truman 

"We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to
visit violence to those who would do us harm"          ....George Orwell


While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with 
several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. 
Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.  
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." 
Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."  


Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to look older, and when 
      they are older, spend thousands of dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look 
             younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair that "just got out of bed" 
             look when they had that look before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. 
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with 
empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. 
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. 
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. 
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. 
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family 
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. 
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, 
dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small
pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, 
stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. 
He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. 
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, 
reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. 
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" 
She again smiled and answered, 
"You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in 
the world did I do today?" 
"Yes," was his incredulous reply. 
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." 


I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. 
While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good 
on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make 
a copy of the hairstyle photo. 
"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card." 
"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained. 
"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for." 


I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside 
my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work. 
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert." 
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... 
"Once you get going, it's pretty easy!" 
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, 
"What did you just say?" 
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!" 


For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a re-fresher course.......
        Now you know everything !!!    ...     But do we believe it????
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. 
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. 
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. 
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. 
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. 
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
        from each salad served in first-class. 
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. 
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. 
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. 
So did the  first "MarlboroMan." 
Walt Disney was afraid of mice. 
Pearls melt in vinegar. 
The three most valuable brand names on earth:  
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order 
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. 
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away 
      from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.  (gross!) 
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the 
      letters from the word "criminal." The second ? William Jefferson Clinton 
And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. 
Now you know everything there is to know.   Of importance, that is !!!  


A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover some 
recent fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters 
as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke 
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph 
anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos 
from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to 
report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in 
with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and 
within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes 
so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, 
"and I need some close-up shots."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, 
"So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"


Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:  
ON TURNING 70 
"You still chase women, but only downhill". 
ON TURNING 80 
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." 
ON TURNING 90 
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." 
ON TURNING 100 
"I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." 
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 
"I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them." 
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." 
ON GOLF 
"Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees." 
ON PRESIDENTS
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." 
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 
'Congratulations.  You have an eight-pound ham'." 
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." 
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." 
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." 
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." 


Darwin Awards 2005
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, 
honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
 
1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a 
hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something 
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger 
again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, 
after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The 
company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. 
He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a 
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. 
Understandably, he shot her.
 
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found 
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to 
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went 
to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then 
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients 
were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
 
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head 
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the 
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he 
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and 
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun 
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. 
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. 
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. 
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
 
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd 
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. 
So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The 
cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him 
unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. 
The whole event was caught on videotape.
 
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended
the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
 
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. 
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register 
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they 
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
 
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a 
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene
to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. 
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and 
plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner 
of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.