Schizophrenia is better than eating alone! It ain't easy bein' me! "A true friend is someone who thinks you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked" The Stupid Shall Be Punished, for they are Stupid and they Shall Bring it Upon Themselves. Democracy is a very bad form of government. But let me remind you, all the others are so much worse. Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad,don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love Bubba At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba. A Test for the "over the hill gang" that's Folks 55 and over ! The answers are at end; for those under 55 or with memory loss. 1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day & rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this __________ behind." What did he leave behind? 2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the ______________________show. 3. Get your kicks, _______________. 4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed______________________________. 5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___________________________. 6. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, & the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the_____________________. 7. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _____________. 8. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, __________. 9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? __________________. 10. Red Skeltons hobo character was ______________________and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and _______________________". 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their____________. 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by? __________________&_________________. 13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________. 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; It was called __________________. 15. One of the big fads of the late 50's & 60's was a large plastic ring that we whirled around our waist; it was called the____________. Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.You are invited to use my program without charge. Beating around the bush Jumping to conclusions Climbing the walls Swallowing my pride Passing the buck Throwing my weight around Dragging my heels Pushing my luck Making mountains out of molehills Hitting the nail on the head Wading through paperwork Bending over backwards Jumping on the bandwagon Balancing the books Running around in circles Eating crow Tooting my own horn Climbing the ladder of success Pulling out the stops Adding fuel to the fire Opening a can of worms Putting my foot in my mouth Starting the ball rolling Going over the edge Picking up the pieces Flying off the handle Running down the boss Spreading a rumor Carrying a grudge Stirring up trouble Patting yourself on the back Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It short is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. . . . . but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . " St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest run." I LIKE BEING OLD The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know. Old age, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body-- but I don't agonize over it for long. I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's & 60ies, and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten - and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say no, and mean it. I can say yes, and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do. If I want to play games on the computer all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the beach or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty. I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday. I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. Yes, I like being old! Answers: 1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 2. The Ed Sullivan show. 3. Route 66 4. to protect the innocent. 5. The Lion sleeps tonight. 6. The limbo 7. Chocolate. 8. Louis Armstrong 9. The Timex watch. 10. Freddy the Freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless." 11. Draft cards (the bra was also burned) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hoola-Hoop