What we do in life echoes in eternity.... Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back I hate the speed bump in the laneway of my complex. But I just get over it and move on. Some "One Liners" Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist ....... change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks ....... before you need it. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake ...... when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked "No," she said. "Good," he answered. After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!" A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A child playing in front of his house saw him and called, "What are you hauling?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the child. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the child advised him. "We put sugar and cream on them." A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist, and this is a casserole." Truths About Life, learned by young children... 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. 7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint. 9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time. 10. School lunches stick to the wall. 11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - no matter how cute the underwear is. My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant. "They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said. "On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us. "ALL our first-class passengers are babies." A priest, a minister, and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas!" he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported from Italy." One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!" A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," said the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church...." The twenty dollar bill interruped, "What's a church?" When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family." The young couple invited their elderly pastor over to their house for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the Old Goat for dinner.'" You Know You're Really Broke When... American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. Your bologna has no first name. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice. Sally Struthers sends you food. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. On Thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal. At communion you go back for seconds. You wash your toilet paper. You have to save up to be poor. You're in college. Your imaginary friend has more money than you. You owe yourself money. Ten Commandments of marriage Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. Commandment 10. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished. Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"