"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle" Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea. "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do ............. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was. "I'm trying out a new font," he explained. I had always prided myself on being an "on time" person. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my husband tried to say something. "What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down. I'm late." "No you're not," he responded. "It's Saturday." Working on a cruise ship, I was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea. Do you know what level means?" I asked my 6 to 8 year-old charges. One boy replied immediately. "A level is something you need to pass in a video game to get to a harder screen." I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!! Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guest in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. "Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!" Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord....."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." Cat Dictionary -- Aquarium: interactive television for cats. -- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life. -- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink. -- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat. -- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat. -- Dog: a cat's device for running practice. -- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of. A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars! A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "Well, I spoke to your wife. spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison." While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ..... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust. There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as the chipmonk. Supposedly, these classified ads appeared in the New York Times: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG. FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER BE A REWARD. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY. GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS. (AND THE BEST ONE) . . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything. Will he Jump? Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money. Driving Lesson I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit. "Oh," she said, "I already know everything in the book." "You do?" I returned. "Yep", she said, very smugly. I thought, "OK, we'll just see about that. I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?" "One," she replied. "What?" I asked. "One?!" She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added. . . "Only one, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one." In a small village church. on any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. The pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, the pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon. Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When the pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday. The pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, the pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?" Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!" Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, the pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats." Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142." Twenty Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing Cars. See if they slow down. 2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors." 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 8. dontuseanypunctuation 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your Drive-through order is "To Go." 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard." 17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." And The Final Way to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity....... 20. Send this URL " http://smilers.donmac.org " to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy... The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper. Drag my heels Push my luck Make mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head. Bend over backwards Jump on the band wagon Run around in circles. Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge. Pick up the pieces. Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them. What a Workout! Rest At Last.