There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. Beware of the letter G. It is the end of everything. "It does not take a majority to prevail ... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men." --Samuel Adams It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap. The clergyman silently sizzled, then said in anguished tones, "Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?" Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague. We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes. One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?" Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that." Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass. The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?" "No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General." "Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol." Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?" "Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon." "Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?" "Sure thing." Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame." School Notes These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Out of Order A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order." Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . "Keep Running!" A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!" Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies. One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!" Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts. The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!" The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." How to be politically correct when you comment about women... She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE We Must Stop This Immediately! Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection...! Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. Airline Humor "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." You Might Be From New York If...... You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro. Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel. You think Central Park is "nature." You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage. You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. You have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you. You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. You don't hear sirens anymore. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.