"This week the U.S. Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter.
Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected 
once it's retired." --Conan O'Brien 

"Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is the first time in baseball
history that the players have more additives than the hot dogs." --Jay Leno 

"We've had more mudslides than the Bush twins on spring break" --Bill Maher, 
on the weather in California. 


I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said
 "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked. 
The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, 
and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?" 


Our minister announced that admission to a church social event 
would be six dollars per person. 
"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50." 
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, 
"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"


14 reminders for those over 50
1. Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed. 
2. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 
3. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film. 
4. I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but there are times I 
           wish He didn't trust me quite so much. 
5. Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out. 
6. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a 
           garage makes you a car. 
7. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
8. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 
9. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness 
            of the waist change places. 
10. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
11. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
             three weeks before you need it. 
12. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a 
             mistake when you make it again. 
13. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
14. Learn from the mistakes of others.  Trust me .... you can't live  
          long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!! 


A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. 
On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. 
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by him- self. 
A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. 
He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?" 


I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, 
and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches. 
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?" 
Me: "Certainly, what width?" 
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?" 


An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a 
good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." 
"Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." 
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in 
bed together and talking to one another." 
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." 
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" 
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts." 

 
Forgiving?   
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. 
My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. 
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. 
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? 
I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" 
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." 


A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring 
the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be 
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." 
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. 
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would 
do it?" the husband asked. 
"Exactly," replied the instructor. 
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, 
"Honey, pick up that pen for me." 


 During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, 
who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. 
Before she left, I asked her, 
"Are you okay? I noticed you were holding onto your side." 
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot 
up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." 
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling genuinely relieved. 
"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class..." 


I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's 
promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 
'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" 
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that
is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal." 
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs." 
"Exactly." 


I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his 
new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment. 
I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into 
the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. 
Not thinking, I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, 
the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. 
I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office." 
The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, 
"I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!" 
 

I want to be a bear...... 
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that. 
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. 
I could deal with that too. 
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while 
you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. 
I could definitely deal with that. 
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone 
who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. 
I could deal with that. 
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. 
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. 
Yup...... I want to be a bear! 


Real Signs and Advertisements   
Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." 
In the window of an Oregon general store: 
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?" 
In a Pennsylvania cemetary: 
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." 
On a Tennessee highway: 
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable." 
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket: 
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member." 
On a Maine shop: 
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." 
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good." 
 

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, 
he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. 
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. 
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, 
he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. 
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. 
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered
when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"