Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize 
they were the big things.       Antonio Smith  

"Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying 
to prove that the other party is unfit to rule and both commonly succeed, 
and are right." - H.L. Mencken 

"Why is it that children aren't allowed to read the Bible in school, 
but are encouraged to in prison?" 

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly 
failed on a steep, downhill grade. 
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?" 
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap." 


One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.  
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in 
her hair, wearing pajamas.  "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.  
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass 
me, I would embarrass him back.  He was caught cutting school.  
So now I've come to spend the day with him!"  


The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office 
supply dealer.  So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.   
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown.  "Our church ordered some pencils from 
you to be used in the pews for visitors to register." 
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?" 
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.  
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words,
'Play Golf Next Sunday'."  


An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, (in his mid 90's) with hair well 
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good 
after shave, presenting a well cared for image, walks into an upscale cocktail 
lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady (mid 80's), also well dressed and 
attractive, sitting alone. The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, 
orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, 
"So tell me, do I come here often?"


A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family 
member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's 
wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she
thought of the young man's sermon. 
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all.  
It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed." 
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, 
"How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?" 
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said.  
"I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, 
so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."  


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. 
He kept them in the pool, back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful 
daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during 
the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. 
I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across
this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" 
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! 
There was a guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him 
on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. 
The millionaire was impressed. 
He said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! 
Well I must keep my end of the bargain...do you want my daughter 
or the one million dollars?" 
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! 
And I don't want your daughter! 
I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!" 


A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. 
The waiter came and asked him for his order. 
Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word." 
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, 
"Where's the good word?" 
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, 
and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf." 

 
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that 
customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, 
well, that's a different story. 
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. 
The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?" 
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor." 


Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. 
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. 
Or, should I say, his lack of it. 
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, 
"Someone just picked my pocket!" 
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who 
blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?" 

 
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do 
problems on the blackboard that day.  
"Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" 
No one raised their hand.  
She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. 
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" 
Students hid their faces.  
She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion 
his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. 
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?" 
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing
in particular.  The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right. 
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" 
Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. 
Mrs.  Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.  
"Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?" 
"Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."  


Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage: 
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then 
comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. 
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. 
Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" 
So I bought her an electric chair. 
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water 
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake." 
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" 
The driver said "No, jump in!" 
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 
13. The last fight was my fault. 
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"  I said "Dust!" 

 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around 
with a fly swatter. 
"What are you doing?" She asked. 
"Hunting Flies" He responded. 
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 

  
Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. 
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, 
the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers 
hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in 
for me. I don't want to go to school." 
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. 
"You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, 
you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the 'Principal'." 

 
Working in an ophthalmology practice that specializes in LASIK surgery,
I am expected to comfort nervous patients. But prior to one operation, the patient 
was so nervous she was actually shaking. Nothing I said to her would comfort 
her so after the doctor finished on the first eye and before he began on the 
second I wanted her to know the surgery was going well. 
There, I said, patting her hand reassuringly, "Now you only have one eye left." 
 

A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece 
to keep as a family heirloom.  One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye 
under the banner "Unbreakable." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece 
marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this 
item was indeed unbreakable.  The owner again assured him it was so.  
The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy 
the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took 
it home, where it was put on display in a protective case.  
He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told 
the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the 
beautiful piece.  As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the
month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "Unbreakable" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and 
last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." 
the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the goober who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to be as careful 
with it as you are with yours." 


What a great idea!!!
About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly
lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed
very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting 
to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on
board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. 
We chatted and I said, 
"I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."
She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, 
"It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble,
I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing
home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can
get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135per day.
That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every
day of the week.)
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? 
No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare.
If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to
a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best!
Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia,
New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing
home, just call ship to shore.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, 
they just dump you over the side at no charge.