"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." -Lord Dewar "If you wish success in life, make perserverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your Guardian Angel." ~Joseph Addison~ Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!" Age Gauge This will really make you laugh but feel a little old, too.... Put your birth date in the pop up window after you click on the below link. What happens is pretty interesting. It's also amazing how quickly it computes!! http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html Best Singles Ad Ever Written This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal. SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting... Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy). Taxes It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked. "My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base." "You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need." "I know," I'm the base commander's mother." One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?" "No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied. "Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said. "That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway." Washroom Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... Hi there, how's it going?" Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..." Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?" I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East..." The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goober in the next stall keeps answering me!" New Book Releases - "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace - "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff - "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow - "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep - "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty - "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel - "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent - "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate - "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down - "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung - "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago - "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud - "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter - "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples - "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath - "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch - "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets! 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10.. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official! Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly. So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible. When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?" The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church." The pastor dropped dead on the spot. At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th-century coach pulled by six magnificent matching white horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace each looking out their respective sides of the coach and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the road. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shaking, eye-stinging, acrid blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, and so powerful that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries do their best to ignore the incident. Embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you'll understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control." Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses." Ole's gone - rest his soul "To those in North Dakota, Minnesota and Wisconsin-and for that matter the rest of the country --I must report the sad news that Ole was shot," Happy Joe relates. He was up by the Candian border in his 4-wheeler, cutting trees, when some ranger looking for terrists spotted him. According to the news reports, the ranger shout to him, "Who are you and what are you doing?" Ole shouted back: I'm Ole...bin loggin'." Ole is survived by his wife, Lena, and his good friend. Sven. The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table; Mr & Mrs Smith and their little son. Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?" He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches." He says, "You have a grill, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "You have cheese, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "You have bread, don't you?" She says, "Yes." He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich." This kid is three years old!! The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich." She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink." He says, "I'll have a milkshake." She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don't serve milkshakes." She was ready for him this time. She says, "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup." He says, "You have a car, don't you?" Cat in Heaven A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious. " God's Quality Management Questionnaire God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Television __ Word of mouth __ Torah __ Bible __ Koran __ Other Book __ Divine Inspiration __ Near Death Experience __ Friend or Relative __ Other: ____________ Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Horoscope __ Fortune cookies __ Self-help books __ Biorythms __ Mantras __ Insurance policies __ Lottery __ Television __ Ann Landers __ Other: ____________ __ None God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5 Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):