Dad called upstairs to his daughter when her boyfriend came to pick her up, 
"Dreamboat...your barnacle is here!" 

"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever 
see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?" --Unknown 

"I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. 
They got one marked 'brightness' but it doesn't work." --Gallagher 

A Truck ran a red light, almost side swiping our car. 
As my husband veered away, he threw his arm across me, protecting me 
from a possible collision. I was ready to plant a big kiss on my hero's cheek 
when he apologized. In his haste, he admitted, he had forgotten it was me in 
the front seat and not our black Labrador, Checkers. 

  
John:  Did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
Larry: No! Tell me about it.
John:  It just couldn't take any more pressure.
 
John: Did you hear about the blonde farmer who ran a
steamroller over his field of potatoes?
Larry: No! Why would he do that?
John: He wanted to make mashed potatoes.
 
John:  What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
Larry: I give up, what?
John:  He banged his gavel and said, "Odor in the courtroom!"
 
"I give up!" the little boy said while kneeling in prayer beside his bed. 
"Art doesn't listen to me at all."
"Art? Art who?" asked his bewildered mom.
"Art in Heaven," said the boy.


Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number 
of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted 
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor 
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you 
can hear again." 
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit 
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 


One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his 
daughter's birthday and -- shock -- he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner 
of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls 
his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. 
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of 
the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll". 
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, 
"So Sir, which Barbie would that be?" 
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, 
"We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, 
Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, 
Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99." 
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when 
all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???" 
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, 
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture. 
  
Signs You're Drinking a "Woman's Beer"   
Every time you have to go to the bathroom, you find yourself 
asking a friend to come along. 
After two of them, you find yourself arguing that figure skating 
actually *is* a sport. 
Your belches come out potpourri-scented. 
The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation from 
Oprah's Beer Club. 

  
Boring Class   
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, 
cliche-ridden lectures. At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class 
breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each 
hackneyed phrase. For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," 
that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out;
"and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center 
aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent 
but vigorous baseball. 
On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and 
bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood 
and cheered wildly. 
Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering
why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures. 

 
Felix the Cat   
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, 
who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. 
One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him 
in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, 
looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats. 
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared 
again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began
asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple 
who lived down the street. "A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! 
My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat 
carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter." 
 

While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me 
my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.   
"I love your ring," I said.  "It's very similar to mine." 
And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. 
"You have three children too?" I asked. 
"Well, no," the woman replied.  
"When my daughter picked this out for me,she liked the rings with three 
settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," 
she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."  


1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail 
instead of his tongue. -Anonymous 
2) Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence 
that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers 
3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go 
where they went. -Will Rogers 
4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy 
licking your face. -Ben Williams 
5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he 
loves himself. -Josh Billings 
6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we 
can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. 
It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam 
7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are 
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud 
8) I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members 
of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner 
9) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
 three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley 
10) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. 
The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking 
dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued 
in the next yard. -Dave Barry 
11) Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never 
washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones 
12) If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown 
13) My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. 
That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein 
14) Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back 
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. 
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler 
15) Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
 and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein 
16) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, 
it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx 
17) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman 
18) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; 
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain 
19) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras 
20) If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and 
then giving Fido only two of them. -Phil Pastoret 
21) My goal in life is to be as good a person 
as my dog already thinks I am. -- an OleHoss 


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that 
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance 
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by 
maintenance engineers.  (By the way, Quantas is the only major airline 
that has never had an accident.)
(P=The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S=The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.  (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.  (This one's great, too!)
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding 
on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget
 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench 
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk...  
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: -     "Hello!"
Woman: -   "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man :-     "Yes!"
Woman :-   "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
                    It is only $1,000.   Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man :-         "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much!"
Woman :-   "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealership and saw the new
                    2005 models.   I saw one I really liked!"
Man :-     "How much?"
Woman :-   "$90,000!"
Man :-     "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options!"
Woman :-   "Great!   Oh, one more thing.   The house we wanted last year
                   is back on the market.   They are asking $950,000!"
Man :-     "OK then, go ahead and make them an offer but just for $900,000!"
Woman :-   "Alright, I will do that.   I love you!"
Man :-     "Bye, I love you too!"
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.   
Then he asks,   "Does anyone know who this 'phone belongs to?"


Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! 
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of 
lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
 

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country 
of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.  
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night  in the
middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went  by. 
It was  raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his  face. 
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike
in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. 
Wanting  a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, 
only  then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. 
The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to 
think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly  
approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to
pray and begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off  
the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown. 
When just before  the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window 
and turned the  steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.  
Paralyzed with  fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they 
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and  jumped out of the car and ran to town. 
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two 
shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.  
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized 
the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. 
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the 
other. "Look Bubba, ders dat idiot that rode in our car 
when we was pushin it in the rain."


Things to Ponder....
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. 
    He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness:  that annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being over the hill is much better than being under it.
18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
19. Procrastinate now.
20. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
24. They call it PMS because mad cow disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.
26. A picture is worth 1,000 words, but it uses up 3,000 times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig..
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


WORDS WOMEN USE ..............
FINE !
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and 
you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes 
if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping 
around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm.  This means "something," and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission.  Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood 
by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she
is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say "You're welcome."
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!