"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." - Hal Chadwick Italian Pasta Diet It Really Works! 1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge. Mistakes... "Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?" --George Carlin A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately. On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order." Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!" A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!" "That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!" A Rough Night Supposedly this is a true story that happened in College Station, TX. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives less than a mile away About two blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house less than a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the house just a block away. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all night A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe B. is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the garage door and looks in. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting in College Station, Texas. A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree." The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!" The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my horse." "For your horse???" "Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation." "But . . . we can't give a degree to a horse!" "Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution." "Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees." A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved." The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree." The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?" "Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse." Dieting? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies. When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think." Questions without answers ! 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!" 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving! 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [ what a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!] Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [weren't they fat enough the first time?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [that's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [definitely worthy of a headline!] Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [that was really giving of himself!] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [boy, are they tall!] And the winner.... (I guess this one does top them all!) Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!] Raising Boys a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding): 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way 6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late. 8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy. 11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12.) Super glue is forever. 13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.