Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul. Only kindness can do that. Jean Baptiste Lacordaire "It's a small world, but not if you have to clean it." - Barbara Kruger One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free. THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions. "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?" Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!" Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before. "If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky. Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing." Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'" Two retired old colleagues were out on an evening co-walk and were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Lenny, I am eighty-five years old now and I am just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. Tell me how do you feel?" Lenny says, "Oh, I feel just like a newborn baby." "Oh really, like a newborn baby huh..!" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped in my pants. Dear Grandson: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Love, Grandma POSSIBLY THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR -- but the year's young. A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet." Hillbilly Birth Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em? A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!! A couple from Ohio decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travels. So, the husband left Ohio and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from friends and family. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 26 February 2005 Message: I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here! A store that sells husbands has just opened in Chicago where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As youopen the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's farther up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's farther up?" And up she goes again. Third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more farther up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me farther on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day. World's Thinnest Books FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson And the world's Number One Thinnest Book MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my grandfather's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben &Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when' s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I'm burning fuel at an inefficient rate. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter - I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in! Anyone know where I can get a good deal??? Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom Never squat with your spurs on! Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. Always drink upstream from the herd. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up.