"A word to the wise isn't necessary, 
                it is the stupid ones who need all the advice." - Bill Cosby 

My 9 year old niece says her prayers every night 
                and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER" 

The best way to watch a demolition derby? Through a kaleidoscope.  

Quick Quotes   
"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison. She's become a 
lean, mean, sewing machine." --Jay Leno 
"There was a big scandal last year with the dog show. A Yorkshire Terrier won
 the show but then it turned out it was just a blow dried rat." --Dave Letterman 
"In Virginia lawmakers are considering a law banning people from wearing pants 
that reveal their underwear in a lewd way. Of course you could get by this law by 
just not wearing any underwear." --Craig Ferguson 


After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on 
my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the 
$1.57 they claimed I still owed. 
Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment 
book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years. 


Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, 
complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, 
where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what 
was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that,
true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, 
"Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped,
"Honey, he's not that sick!"
 

My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. 
"Mommy , how are babies made?" 
I did my best to explain but she still looked confused. 
"What about kittens? She asked. 
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said. 
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything" 


While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oilrig, the helicopter 
lost power and went down.  Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.   
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and 
jerked open the exit door.   
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled.  "This thing is supposed to float!"  
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, 
"Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!" 


Things to do at Wal-Mart...   
...while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time: 
-- Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 
-- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,'Code 3' in 
house wares ..... and see what happens. 
-- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M and M's on layaway. 
-- Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite
 them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 
-- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you
 people just leave me alone?' 
-- While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows 
where the anti-depressants are. 
-- Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 
-- In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 
-- Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" 
-- When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position 
and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" 
 

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. 
He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he 
would not be leaving with them. 
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: 
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." 
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: 
"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot." 


How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?  
ROTTWEILER: Just one. You want to make something of it? 
DOBERMAN: Immediately decides to change the brand of light bulb and find
                        a more efficient form of lighting -- perhaps a fluorescent bulb. 
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out
                                              bulb is useless and should be thrown away. 
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing 
                                  about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! 
BULLDOG: Just one. But it takes them three years to do it. 
POMERANIANS don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a 
                             German Shepherd in to do the job for them while they're out. 
PUG: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? 
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole 
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? or... 
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: "I'll be glad to change the light bulb for you, but first can't we 
play catch with the tennis ball, or Frisbee -- and then I want to lick your face and rest 
my head in your lap and look up at you with my sad eyes. What, you're changing the 
light bulb yourself -- you didn't have to do that -- but I looooove you so much for being 
my friend and doing that." 
AFGHAN: Light bulb? What light bulb? 
CAT: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. 
SHIBA-INU: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark! 
SCHIPPERKE: It's your light bulb -- change it yourself. Unless... Is there food involved?? 
POODLE: Sorry, Just had my nails done. 
BEAGLE: How many cookies do I get? 
WEIMARANER: What?? Light bulb? You want ME to change a LIGHT BULB? 
LAB: Why change it? The darker it is, the longer I can sleep. 
BASENJI: LIGHT BULB? We don't change no stinking light bulbs! 
MALAMUTE: Let *him* do it. You can pet me while he's busy. 
BOXER: If I could stop wiggling my butt long enough to quit falling off the chair... 
AMERICAN BULLDOG: One. JUMP, remove bulb, land. JUMP, replace bulb, land. 
                      Two: What light bulb, So? We can play in the dark. 
DALMATIAN: Just one, but it will really hate the new bulb. 
ROTTWEILER: I'll change the light bulb if I can eat the old one. 
CORGI: I can't reach the stupid lamp! 
SPRINGER: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? 
STANDARD POODLE: None. Go get human, sit under it, look up and point it 
                       out -- then go lie down in disgust that it took so long. 
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it. 
WOLFDOG: Let me see that light bulb, anyway. What's it made of, what's inside 
of it, what will happen if I drop it. I might change it, but let me think about it. 
You're not trying to tell me what to do, are you? Hey, I just had a great idea. 
I think I'll change that light bulb! 
GERMAN SHEPHERD: "I'm kinda busy right now! I have to chase the cat, 
protect the kids, herd the horses, beg for food and take a nap. I'll add the light 
bulb to my "To Do" list..." 
DACHSHUND: Well, first get me a ladder and a treat...no, you took too long.
 I want TWO treats and I'll do it......... No, not that treat, the other kind. 
Geez...do I have to do everything? (of course, followed by "the look".) 
IRISH SETTER: It only takes one, but it will put in a really dim bulb. 
PIT BULL TERRIER: Jump and take hold of old light bulb. Now, let go of old 
light bulb... I said LET GO OF LIGHT BULB! Please???? Let go of the light 
bulb?????? Let go? 
GOOD OL' SOUTHERN HOUND DOG: Huh???? 
 
 
Signs You're "All Grown-Up Now"   
-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
-- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
-- You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
-- You watch the Weather Channel. 
-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 
-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 
-- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door 
           won't turn down the stereo. 
-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
-- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. 
-- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
-- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 
-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one. 
-- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 
-- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
-- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
-- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
-- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't 
           apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life. 


Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern.  
He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.   
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, 
"But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me:  a potion to cure ill health, 
a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star.  
By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts." 
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his 
mother if anything had been delivered. 
"Yes," she replied.  "It's been an unusual day.  
At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived.  
About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had 
left you a minor-league baseball stadium.  
Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."  


The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride 
of its breed.  Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer.  
Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for shopping. 
All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with 
people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy.  "You go into the supermarket 
and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping 
quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, 
twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy.  Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"


Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, 
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt 
that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts 
when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, 
she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and 
is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age 
and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know "why"
I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is 
that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, 
they don't recognize you.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, 
you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Have a GREAT day.......and KEEP LAUGHING