"An abstract noun," the teacher said, 
"is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.  
Can you give me an example of one?"  
"Sure," a teenage boy replied.  "My father's new car."  


A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. 
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. 
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."  


During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, 
who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, 
I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." 
"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot 
up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." 
"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. 
"Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." 


It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed.  
My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's 
laundry on my way home.  "It's for my cousin," she apologized, 
"who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." 
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door.  
A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. 
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile.  
"Is your mommy home?"  
Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." 
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.  
"Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick!  It's the stork!"  


The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw 
for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the
next morning proceeded to baptize, you guessed it, his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old 
family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally 
got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and 
proceeded with the "ceremony."  But the cat acted worse than ever, 
clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him 
on the floor in disgust and said,
"Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"


Mistaken Identity
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. 
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, 
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by 
accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the
horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her 
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. 
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, 
photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman 
approached the cell and opened the door. 
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was 
waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. 
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, 
flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. 
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, 
the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, 
the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car


Ad Campaign   
I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by 
our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads: 
Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation! 
It's got everything. Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, 
sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law. 
 
 
Quick Quotes   
See Charlie Daniels in the Super Bowl pregame show? 
He put on a few pounds. Oh man, forget Georgia, looks like the devil went 
down to Fat Burger's! That's what happened." --Jay Leno 

"Today the White House announced that President Bush's personal chef is 
quitting his job. When asked why the chef said there is only so much you 
can do with Spaghettios." --Conan O'Brien 

It's an exciting time to be in New York City. It's Fashion Week and the city 
is full of supermodels. Just today I saw a supermodel with a sign around 
her neck that said "Will starve for food." --Dave Letterman 

 
Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)   
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, 
but there are two keys labeled "hif"? 
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, 
and washing your hands more frequently for that matter. 

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh? 
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled 
with an excited Mac face, something like :O . 
Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac 
instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it. 

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters.
Is there any other way to do this? 
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to 
activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! 
Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition 
equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its 
speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves 
down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" 
the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably. 

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use? 
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. 
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. 
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to 
make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. 
Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key. 

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, 
will my computer explode? 
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. 
Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, 
don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. 
Move along, next question. 

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys? 
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because 
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night 
with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance 
of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size! 

Don't Mess With Old Ladies 
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know
PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!! 
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.. 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. 
Older Woman: Oh, I see. 
Officer: Can I see your license please? 
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 
Officer: Don't have one? 
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older Woman: I can't do that. 
Officer: Why not? 
Older Woman: I stole this car. 
Officer: Stole it? 
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Officer: You what? 
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls 
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! 
The woman steps out of her vehicle. 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and 
murdered the owner. 
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? 
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. 
The officer is quite stunned. 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it 
to the officer. 
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a 
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. 


Murphy's Real Laws 
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? 
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it. 
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged. 
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower." 
13. You have the right to remain silent. 
       Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. 
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. 
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and 
blame it on the higher cost of living. 
20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off. 
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something 
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone 
would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those 
who got there first. 
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and 
he will sit in a boat all day drinking. 
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture. 
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 
33.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. 
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people 
        who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright 
        until you hear them speak. 
 
 
Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...   
-- Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit. 
-- She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't
          recall proposing to her. 
-- She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week. 
-- She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer. 
-- Whenever she introduces you it's always 
          "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..." 
-- She leaves a message on your phone and identifies her-self by 
        both her first and last names. 
-- Your other girlfriend told you so. 
-- The dartboard behind your photo on her wall. 
-- Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, 
        "You haven't got a clue, do you?" 

 
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker 
on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, 
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" 
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." 
But the blonde keeps on screaming, 
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" 
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won
a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" 
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" 
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads . 
"W I N A B A G E L" 


Chocolate Sings
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair"
about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups,
except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.
"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.
But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.
I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.
The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on
white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled.
She asked if she amused me.  I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse
me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's possible.
I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short,
my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. 
I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read.
There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes;
I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.
I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need
to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die
before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing.
I filled my heart's desire.
I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said.
"I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!! "
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this
twice, then you have more than one friend. 
Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige,
but on relationships with people we love and respect.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS