"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound." --Red Green 

"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." 

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 40 years she served
me nothing but leftovers. The original meal was never found. 

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate 
to have people think they don't care what people think." --George Carlin 

"I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot 
people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to 
dance with each other." --Robert G. Lee 


I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version,
but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand. 
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 
broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.  


An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.  
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.  
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. 
"I had to slap his face three times!" 
"You mean he got fresh?" 
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."  


I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and 
Grandpa got out.  The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he
was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! 
How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 
"I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."


Office Manager   
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to 
come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy. 
"John," the new guy replied. 
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby 
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. 
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker. 
That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. 
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" 
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . " 


Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble 
with the elevators.  A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door 
banging, finally attracted attention.  His name was taken and rescue promised.  
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out.  
When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary: 
"The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."  


After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, 
perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade 
I wanted.  With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on. 
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked. 
"Don't come back here," he begged.  


One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the 
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven 
had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and 
stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly,
"Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the 
plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied 
the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, 
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

 
Patience   
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her 
basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her 
mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and 
the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go 
through; don't be upset. It won't be long." 
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began 
to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. 
The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, 
and then we'll be checking out." 
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little
girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon 
discovering there would be no gum purchased today. 
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five 
minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." 
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to 
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." 
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen." 

 
Jedi Masters   
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using 
his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into 
his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done 
with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. 
Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, 
dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. 
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke." 


Road Crew   
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on 
the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the 
road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no 
improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, 
bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road." 
 

oops!!!!!!
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, 
"I bet you don't know what day this is." 
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. 
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she 
was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. 
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. 
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. 
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. 
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. 
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!" 


A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy 
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double 
take.  He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he 
walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. 
I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw 
in that old saucer.  The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer.  So far this week 
I've sold sixty-eight cats


Fancy Watch   
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy 
suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" 
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. 
"It's a quarter to six," he says. 
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. 
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows 
him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for 
the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the 
watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. 
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. 
Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is 
unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. 
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. 
He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of 
New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location 
by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the 
display changes to show eastern New York state. 
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. 
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. 
"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very 
creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most 
impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size 
books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. 
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. 
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready." 
"I'll give you $1000 for it!" 
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that." 
"I'll give you $5000 for it!" 
"But it's just not fair." 
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. 
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and 
with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only 
six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front 
of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. 
Take it or leave it." 
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. 
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. 
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. 
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus 
station. "Don't forget your batteries." 
 

Living in Pennsylvania   
-- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights 
each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation, 
you live in Pennsylvania. 
-- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, 
you live in Pennsylvania. 
-- If you walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, 
you live in Pennsylvania. 
and there's even more of these... 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Pennsylvanian when: 
1. "Vacation" means going up north past I-80 for the weekend. 
2. You measure distance in hours. 
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, 
without flinching. 
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave all the 
doors unlocked. 
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to 
use them. 
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost fall, winter, still winter and road construction. 
12. You can discriminate between a "Lancaster" or an "Allentown" accent. 
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a concrete statue of a deer next to your 
blue spruce. It's shot up several times each hunt'n season... 
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 
15. Down South to you means West Virginia. 
16. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his NEW FORD F150. 
18. You go out to the big Howard Johnsons fish fry every Friday and bingo at
the Catholic Church every Wednesday. 
19. Your 4TH of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 
21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your 
Pennsylvania friends! (Hee, hee!) 

(Editor's note ... I do not write these, just copy and paste.
personally I think the Dakota's and Montana have it worse ......)