Peace is seeing a sunrise or a sunset and knowing whom to thank. "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'" - Bob Newhart Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I shouldn't have told my fiancee about my rich uncle." He friend asks, "Why not?" The first man replies, "Because now she's my aunt." Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car. "Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car." "Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat." Bird Calls One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Then it dawned on them... Small Town Justice A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.... "I'm the groom!" A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a "Truck Wedgie." Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!" Telltale Signs of Being a Mother * Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and you don't care. * You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. * Popsicle's become a food staple. * Your favorite television show is a cartoon. * You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! * You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. * You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. * You have time to shave only one leg at a time. * You hide in the bathroom to be alone. * Your kid throws up and you catch it. * You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed to gain 10 pounds. Injustice -- In 2003, televangelist Jim Bakker paid a $3.7 million settlement for defrauding his followers. Lawyers got $2.5 million of it - and each victim got $6.54. -- In a 2003, settlement between Sears and customers with improperly done wheel balancing. Lawyers got $2.45 million - and customers got $2.50 per tire. -- When a bank settled a lawsuit over improper interest charges, the lawyers got $8.5 million. Each bank customer got less than $10, and then had to pay the bank $91 to reimburse its court fees. Be Careful Your Sins May Find You Out!!!!!! Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this!!!! For all ladies who bake for church events. Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say ..."Thank you; I baked it myself." The good Samaritan... A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. Tax Payment Dear IRS, Enclosed is my 2004 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers." Mental Hospital Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. The medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act and he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, so I believe you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." Quiz Show Answers The Weakest Link Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway. Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay. Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Robinson: Wh...? Contestant (interrupting): Pass! Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen. Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...? Contestant: (long pause) Joe? Lincs FM phone-in Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. Steve Wright Show, Radio 2 Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube? Contestant: India. Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway? Contestant: Espresso. Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney. Contestant: Sydney. This Morning Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false? Contestant: True? Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that. BBC Radio Newcastle Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons? Contestant: Four. BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er... Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor... Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run... Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I... Contestant: Walked? National Lottery Jet Set Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant: William Shakespeare. Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er... Mexico? Family Fortunes -- Something a blind man might use? A Sword -- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon -- Name the Capital of France? F -- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell -- Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar -- Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital -- A famous Scotsman? Jock -- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. -- Something that floats in a bath? Water -- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse -- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair -- A famous Royal? Mail -- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings -- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters -- Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet -- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate -- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on -- Something associated with pigs? The Police -- A sign of the Zodiac? April -- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing -- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep -- Something you put on walls? A roof -- Something Slippery? A conman -- A kind of ache? A fillet of fish -- A Jacket Potato topping? Jam -- A food that can be brown or white? A potato -- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas -- Something Red? My sweater CORRECT FASHIONS Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50 or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.... After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course sir, Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing" the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."