Why we play golf? See list at bottom .......... Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? Answer at bottom............... All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen. Ralph Waldo Emerson "Humor is just another defense against the universe." - Mel Brooks Corduroy pillows are making headlines. A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills" "And what about the rest?", the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait." A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty." A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and uh.." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the heck are you doing for the next generation??" As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. Replied the woman, "She's a dentist." Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!" With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week: Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started............... Shut up. You know it's funny. Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week". "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day". "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour." A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!" My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it. After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer." Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with newlyrics to accommodate us Aging Baby Boomers. They include: Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELYWALKER" The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP" Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH" Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS" Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE" Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW" Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYSTO LOSE YOUR LIVER" Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM" Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS" Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR" Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING" The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE" ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN" Elvis "HEARTBREAK HOSPICE" Dylan "LIKE A KIDNEY STONE" Queen "WE WERE THE CHAMPIONS" Beatles "WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY MEDS" Dion "LIMPAROUND SUE" Tony Orlando "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall" Helen Reddy "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore" The Rolling Stones "Limping-Jack Flash" Willie Nelson "On the Throne Again" John Prine "Pink Cataract" John Denver "Rocky Mountain High" (Fiber) Lesley Gore "It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want To" more useless information .......... World's muddiest river: Yellow River in China First sport on film: boxing Baby seals are called weaners Willie Nelson's first gig: playing guitar in a polka band What was Woody Woodpecker's hometown? Puddleburg A hive of bees eat up to 30 lbs of honey over the winter What is mentioned in every book of the bible except Jonah? Wine What is the boiling point of water on top of Everest? 150 Zip code of 12345 is GE in Schenectady, NY Who shares a birthday with Rush Limbaugh? Howard Stern What city was the first with all paved streets? Florence in 1339 B.C. The majority of Christmas trees come from? Michigan and Oregon A suit of armor weighs 90 lbs. What bird can fly upside down? Hummingbird If you had a billion$ and spent $1000/day, it would take you 2740 years to spend it. It took until 1800 to have a world population of one billion, but only 130 for the 2nd billion. Which magazine first sold 1 billion copies? TV Guide 4 people/day call Graceland and ask for Elvis You can be fined in Oklahoma for making faces at dogs Cleopatra married Ptolemy XIII and XIV-both were her brothers. Library of Congress has 327 miles of bookshelves Twinkies are 68% air Winston Churchill was born in a ladies restroom 1/2 the world population lives in 7% of the world's land area. Who did Hitler praise in Mein Kampf? Henry Ford. Who is the largest landowner in NYC? Catholic Church. Don't like our income tax brackets? Denmarks start at 42%! Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions. Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my mom just like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause thats who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. Very Accurate - Why we play golf The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light: Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave. In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed. Golf doesn't have free agency. In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood. And Finally : Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.