"Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear." - Robert Paul FUN GAME ........... THIS ONE WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY AND KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT..................... Click to make the penguin jump and then click again in - time to make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice! Very addictive ! ! ! Editor took 6 swings before first hit ! http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf Can you name the real "THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD" Think about them, then read the ones below, in last entry. Quotes... "Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I'm not making this up: this week is "national no name calling week". They don't want any name calling in public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea?" --Jay Leno "A weekend update correction. Last week all 29 stories we reported were incorrect, our apologies." --Kevin Nealon, Saturday Night Live "I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel." --Scott Wood Church Etiquette A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attenderd a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry? Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?" "Yes, they are!" I answered proudly. "They adopted?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small." Driving Lesson My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left." Computer Novices Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." Insignificant Thoughts Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name. Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt. It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich. Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself. How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath? Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to? You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance. Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public. It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory. Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid? I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn? Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think. You can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe Fox is right, maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what? Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes? Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum? I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages. Broken Engagement Dear Marty, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law. P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery! Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua." "That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?" Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it." Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?" The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it." Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him. The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do." Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director. A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that." Famous People Resume Qualifications Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that. Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks. Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person. Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition. Hamlet: My postilion was eliminated in a hostile takeover. Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things. Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries. Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion? Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual? Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries? The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?" My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?" My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale. Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?" Dad replied "Maybe." Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!" A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money. Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years." THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes: 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. Empire State Building 6. St. Peter's Basilica 7. China's Great Wall While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help. "The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are: 1. To See 2. To Hear 3. To Touch 4. To Taste 5. To Feel 6. To Laugh 7. And to Love." The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man. don't be too busy to pass this along