The new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now. Internet surfing will be tracked by the FBI with a nonintrusive method. The FBI says you will not notice anything different. Go to this web page below for a demonstration. http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/ "The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex." --Jay Leno "You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley "A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." --Dennis Miller A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!" My mother's co-workers sympathized as my she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked her. "I could have," my mother told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it." The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?" Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "Hebrews" (He Brews). After every flight, Quanta's pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quanta's' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quanta's is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!) S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. Old Sayings...Different Twist See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard? See answers below. 1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous. 2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 3. Surveillance should precede salutations 4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity 5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid. 6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore. 8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. 9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion. 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F'. 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration. Answers: 1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. 2. Birds of a feather, flock together. 3. Think before you speak. 4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 5. Don't cry over spilled milk. 6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. 7. The pen is mightier than the sword. 8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 9. Spare the rod and spoil the child. 10. A watched pot doesn't boil. 11. All that glitters is not gold. 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire. Funny Epitaphs Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others. -- He was a simple man who died of complications -- He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner -- Stranger, tread this ground with gravity Dentist Brown is filling his his cavity A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." Boy, this one is SO true! If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my Neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not Counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and Bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I’m burning fuel at an inefficient rate. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter - I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in! Anyone know where I can get a good Deal? Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc. Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain. Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture. For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said: "OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"