"I'm sorry to write such a long letter, but I didn't have time to write a short one." -- Pascal I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings. "Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too." "Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along." "Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?" HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better? I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?" A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor." Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a hotel. I quickly repacked his suitcase, replacing his belongings with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine. When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read: "Sorry, hon, the business trip's on after all. I'll call you when I get there." Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut... After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours. One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed. My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't want to go on the 'Net with me," she said, "just say so." Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read, "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis." The Blonde who wanted to be a deputy The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" The blonde replied, "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff. So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" Dr. Atkins was 258 pounds at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6 feet tall. For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing. The family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with rent checks convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog on the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction and possible jail time, he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK, he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied, "Some sick person dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage." Just a bit of nostalgia This is for those old enough to remember, & for the youngsters to show what they missed. Trains don't wander All over the map 'Cause nobody sits In the engineer's lap Burma Shave She kissed the hairbrush By mistake She thought it was Her husband Jake Use Burma Shave Remember these? For those who never saw the Burma shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40's. Before the Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more of the actual signs: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE Burma Shave SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT ITS A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON THE CAR TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave And the all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave Do these bring back memories?? If not, you are such a child. If they do, you're older than dirt, like me! Have a great day! Still young at heart!