"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to 
spend the rest of our lives." --Plan 9 From Outer Space [Ain't it the truth.] 

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, 
what good would that do?" --Ronnie Shakes 

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, 
so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved." --Christy Murphy 

My wife asked me if I put the cat out. 
I said I didn't know it was on fire. 


This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the
hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife 
what was for supper. 
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned 
house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. 
"I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! 
Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself." 
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, 
garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. 
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, 
"You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?" 
"Huh? I thought you were out of town." 


Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. 
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of 
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. 
And, next to them, a single red rose! 
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. 
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a 
huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a 
note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, 
I left early to go shopping--Love you!" 
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the 
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 
"Son...what happened last night?" 
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. 
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, 
and got that black eye when you ran into the door." 
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, 
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, 
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" 
Broken furniture - $85.26 
Hot Breakfast - $4.20 
Red Rose bud -$3.00 
Two Aspirins -$.38 
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless. 


A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave 
camp the following weekend.  "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand.  
Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same 
explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised.  "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, 
you must be pretty bothered.  Of course you can have the weekend off.  
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, 
the Officer lost his temper.  "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.  
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting."
"What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply. 

 
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, 
I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.  
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play.  
His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, 
though she feared he would not be chosen.  
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect 
him after school.  
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. 
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will 
remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."  


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding 
pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. 
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" 
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: 
If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back 
and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven." 
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. 
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself 
when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." 
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" 
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe. 
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" 
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news." 
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol. 
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." 
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" 
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." 


A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a 
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. 
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then
proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the
farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried 
them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, 
but you know how them politicians lie."

  
Some Ways to Spend the $250 Million Powerball Jackpot   
-- A twinkie for everyone in the country. 
-- Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself. 
-- Get yourself one a' them "Pentagon quality" toilet bowls. 
-- Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, 
                compared to Bill Gates, you're still not rich. 
-- At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN! 
-- Four words: Prank call to Antarctica. 
-- Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding. 
-- Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER! 

 
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. 
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller 
vessel pulling out toward him. 
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the 
marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him,
"The captain said to read through these and 
let us know if you still want to be rescued." 

 
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. 
They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry 
or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else 
you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about. 
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they 
were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside. 

 
Religion Explained   
Sunday School students tell about the Bible: 
-- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. 
-- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before 
      they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." 
-- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the 
       tombstone off the entrance. 
-- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 
-- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. 
-- The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 
-- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. 
-- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 
-- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, 
         which is another name for marriage. 
 

The Family Feud   
A classic so funny, we just had to run it again... 
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game 
show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK): 
Name something a blind person might use: a sword 
Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon 
Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin 
Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar 
Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde 
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse 
Name something that floats in the bath: water 
Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair 
Name something red: my cardigan 
Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers 
Name a famous royal: mail 
Name a number you have to memorize: 7 
Name something you do before going to bed: sleep 
Name something you put on walls: roofs 
Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow 
Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes 
Name something you might be allergic to: skiing 
Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters 
Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet 
Name a continent: Italy 
Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate 
Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog 
Name something slippery: a con man 
Name a kind of ache: a pancake 
Name a food that can be brown or white: potato 
Name a potato topping: jam 
Name a famous Scotsman: Jock 
Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones 
Name something with a hole in it: window 
Name a non-living object with legs: plant 
Name a domestic animal: leopard 
Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee 
Name a way of cooking fish: cod 
Name something you clean: your sister