"To do great important tasks, two things are necessary: 
             a plan and not quite enough time." 

"I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should
poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?" --Larry Reeb 


I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, 
my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.   
I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled 
venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,  
"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."  


A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads 
a dog's life is probably well founded. 
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean 
floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable 
on my best furniture."  


The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting 
and dismissing potential jurors.  Don O'Brian was called for his question session. 
"Property holder?" 
"Yes, I am, Your Honor." 
"Married or single?" 
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor." 
"Formed or expressed an opinion?" 
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."  


A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. 
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language.  
Where did you hear it?" 
"My daddy said it," he responded. 
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, 
"you don't even know what it means." 
"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected.  "It means the car won't start."  


Gone With The Wind   
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. 
Suddenly one hears the other chewing. 
"What did you find?" he asks. 
"I am not sure," comes the answer. 
"It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. 
Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'" 
"And how is it?" 
"Nothing much. The book was better." 


20 Minutes of Eternity  
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked 
one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. 
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. 
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. 
"Half the audience walked out before I finished." 
Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. 
"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." 
 

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around 
with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Collectibles   
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older 
couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and 
petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets. 
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the 
bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next 
week the same thing happened. 
That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. 
Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. 
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?" 

  
English School   
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was 
living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been 
there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of 
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). 
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. 
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side 
keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side 
screams and screams all night." 
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" 
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." 

 
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate 
movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.  
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something 
right away.  
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously 
not knowing how to spell the best one word description: 
"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."  


I was at the drug store to pick up my prescription.  The line wasn't clearly 
formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. 
It was unclear as to who was next. 
When we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said, "After you." 
I smiled at him and said, "No, please, after you.  I have all day." 
Then he said, "No.  You go ahead.  My doctor says I have at least six months."  


It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if 
the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he 
couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was 
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood 
to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. 
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" 
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the 
weather service responded. 
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood 
in order to be prepared. 
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.  
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?" 
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going 
to be a very cold winter." 
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap 
of wood they could find. 
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" 
"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. 
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."  


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. 
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, 
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." 
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. 
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  
He proceeded to talk up a storm. 
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 
1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 
2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass 
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 
          Daddy, Junior and the spook. 
8)  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him 
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say 
          he was stoned off his ass. 
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it 
          for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)   The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. 
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: 
           Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 


Bill Gates -  Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!  
To anyone with  kids of any age, here's some advice.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically 
correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and 
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect 
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.  
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk 
about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the 
parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll 
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.  You don't get summers off and very few 
employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.  
If you can read this, Thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English-Thank a Veteran!